Sometimes it is hard to know how to support a friend who is experiencing grief and loss, especially during a time of year that is said to be full of happiness, good cheer, and merriment. It can be uncomfortable not knowing what to say to make your friend feel better. And let’s be honest, there is nothing you can say that will really make the situation better for them, as no matter how much you might want to, you cannot change the loss they have experienced. It can be equally uncomfortable trying not to say the wrong thing or make things worse for your friend. If this sounds familiar, here are a few tips that might help you to successfully be the person your friend needs this holiday season.
You might hesitate to send the invites to different holiday events, worrying about whether your friend will want to come. Maybe you host a holiday party that is usually for couples, and your friend just lost their partner or went through a divorce. Or it could be that you worry that it would be insensitive to invite someone in a difficult time to an event full of laughter and fun. It could be that you know there will be tons of kids and families at the town Christmas event since Santa will be there, and you know your friend just had a miscarriage. It is thoughtful of you to want to protect your friend’s feelings by not inviting them, but the lack of the invitation can inadvertently send the message of “I don’t want you there because your grief makes me uncomfortable.”
Instead, try offering the invitation, and be okay if your friend chooses that they don’t want to attend this year. Try not to take them saying no to an event to mean they are saying no to your friendship. You can even give them an out in your invitation by saying something like: “I would love to have you come to the party this year, and I also totally get it if being around all the couples doesn’t feel right for you this year. I wanted to make sure you know that you are always welcome and wanted.” If you want to go the extra mile, you could even suggest doing something different if your friend decides that the original event is not right for them this year. Maybe suggest something for just the two of you saying “Hey, I know that big parties are not really the best fit for you this year. Would you like to go explore that winter farmer’s market with me some time instead, just the two of us? I would love to see you!”
It is natural to not want to bring up a topic that might make your friend feel worse. But regardless of whether you bring up the loss they have experienced, it is already going to be on their mind. Being willing to talk about it with them can show that you are aware that this is a challenging time of year for them and that you are okay walking in the messiness of their grief with them. If they experienced a death of a loved one, you might ask them some of their favorite holiday memories with that person or even make a comment about how much that person would have loved the moment, showing that you think of them too. If they have gone through another loss, you might acknowledge that to them as well. Maybe they just went through a divorce, so you ask “hey I know this is the first Christmas morning without your kids. Do you have anything planned to help you get through that day?” Any comments that show that you are aware of their experience and that you care about them and what they are going through are likely to help your friend feel loved and cared for, not make them feel worse.
On the flip side, the loss does not have to be the only thing that you talk about with your friend. In big groups, you might choose to allow your friend to bring up their loss, keeping your questions for times that are more private. And it is also okay to just enjoy the moment with your friend. While your friend is grieving, their grief is not the entirety of who they are. They might even tell you that they prefer not to talk about it that day, and respecting that goes a long way towards showing your friend that you are in their corner, no matter what it is that they need.
No two losses are ever the same, so it is impossible to know exactly what another person is experiencing. Even if you have been through a similar situation in the past, you probably don’t know exactly what it is that they are feeling. And this is okay. Instead of trying to connect to your friend with statements like “I know what you are going through” or “I know how you are feeling,” try to connect with them by asking and seeking to understand how they are feeling. Questions like “how are the holidays going for you this year” or even “do you want to talk about how you are feeling” can help communicate to your friend that you want to know what is going on for them. If you do want to share your own experience to connect, do so without the assumption that their experience will be the same. Instead of saying “It is so important to still make sure to do your favorite traditions. That is what made me feel better” try saying “When I was going through a hard time last Christmas, it really helped me to be sure I still did some of my favorite traditions. Do you think that would be helpful for you too?” This switch in wording shows that you are offering a suggestion based on your experience, while still honoring that their needs might be different.
One of the reasons why it can be hard to know what to say to a friend who has experienced loss is that grief is uncomfortable. We often feel like we need to heal grief or make things better. Loss is something that everyone will go through, and grief is the most natural reaction to having experienced a loss. It is not your job to make your friend feel better. And trying to do so is likely to make your friend feel worse.
Instead of trying to make your friend feel better, focus on trying to make your friend feel loved. Maybe your friend is someone who feels loved best with acts of service, in which case you could offer to help them bring up the decorations from the basement or hang the lights on their house. Or maybe they are a gifts person, so you take the time to find them a gift that shows you know them well or surprise them with little things, like baked goods or that seasonal coffee they love, to show you are thinking of them. Showing your friends that you love them, in the way that makes them feel most seen, can help them to know they are important to you, even during this difficult time of their life.
How to Support a Grieving Friend During the Holidays
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12.12.2023
Sometimes it is hard to know how to support a friend who is experiencing grief and loss, especially during a time of year that is said to be full of happiness, good cheer, and merriment. It can be uncomfortable not knowing what to say to make your friend feel better. And let’s be honest, there is nothing you can say that will really make the situation better for them, as no matter how much you might want to, you cannot change the loss they have experienced. It can be equally uncomfortable trying not to say the wrong thing or make things worse for your friend. If this sounds familiar, here are a few tips that might help you to successfully be the person your friend needs this holiday season.
You might hesitate to send the invites to different holiday events, worrying about whether your friend will want to come. Maybe you host a holiday party that is usually for couples, and your friend just lost their partner or went through a divorce. Or it could be that you worry that it would be insensitive to invite someone in a difficult time to an event full of laughter and fun. It could be that you know there will be tons of kids and families at the town Christmas event since Santa will be there, and you know your friend just had a miscarriage. It is thoughtful of you to want to protect your friend’s feelings by not inviting them, but the lack of the invitation can inadvertently send the message of “I don’t want you there because your grief makes me uncomfortable.”
Instead, try offering the invitation, and be okay if your friend chooses that they don’t........
© Psychology Today
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