By Bret Lyon, Ph.D., SEP
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Unfortunately, No matter how hard parents try, and no matter how good their intentions, they will frustrate, disappoint and shame their children some of the time. Shame is a primary emotion that is designed to keep us out of trouble, to help us live in harmony with our society. Parents in every society use this emotion to try to create some necessary order and structure.
As Sheila Rubin and I point out in our new book, Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Transform It Into a Powerful Ally, the simple act of saying “no,” which parents often have to say to keep their child safe, is shaming. The question is: does it lead to better functioning or to pain and dysfunction? Here’s an example: Johnny runs into the street. His mother, Sarah, sees him, completely loses her cool, and yells, “Johnny, you come back here this instant.” Is this shaming behavior toxic or healthy? We don't know yet.
The first test: does it get Johnny off the street? If he freezes in fear and shame, the yelling was clearly toxic shaming—and dangerous. But even if Johnny runs back, we don't know yet. It really depends on what happens next. If Sarah slaps him and tells him what a rotten, disobedient child he is, the shaming is toxic and the shame Johnny feels may have long-term consequences. But if Sarah says something like, “I got really scared. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I'm sorry I yelled, but you can't run in the street, it's too dangerous. You're too precious to me,” the shaming is repaired and can help Johnny learn an important lesson and still feel loved. It becomes healthy.
Relationships, even the best of them, are constantly subject to ruptures. It happens all the time. Any time we say "no"—which parents often need to do—we create some rupture. The danger is to not notice the rupture, or be so upset that you don't really care that there has been a rupture, and not offer a repair. Even the healthiest relationships will experience periodic ruptures of trust. The good news is that we can cultivate enough awareness and empathy to make timely repair. The formula that we need to remember consists of three "R"s: Relationship, Rupture, Repair.
This distinction between toxic and healthy shaming can be extremely helpful for parents and all those in a position of authority who want to get something positive accomplished without damaging those around them. How can you tell whether your attempt to discipline or get what you want is toxic or healthy?
When we engage in toxic shaming, we tend to be indifferent to or annoyed with the reaction it produces. There is a lack of concern for the child or adult being shamed. We repeat the shaming words often, like a broken record. And we don’t make an effort to repair the broken connection. Healthy shaming is occasional, carefully done, and any broken connection is quickly restored.
Children often need their parents' help to move into healthy shame. And parents can fall into a pattern of toxic shaming that makes it difficult for their children to function well as adults. If a present-day experience of mild criticism or difficulty taps into a childhood wound, a minor setback can be experienced as a hugely damaging catastrophe, bringing in shame’s sisters, doubt and despair.
If Sarah, above, says things like, “You’re bad,” “You never listen,” “You’re hopeless,” “I don’t know what to do with you,” those words can stick with the child throughout his or her life—producing a shame-tinged traumatic event that can get reactivated whenever things go wrong.
Interestingly, it is also possible for a child to be shamed by unrelenting praise. I had a client who had become a successful lawyer. His mother had given him much praise for his intelligence and ability. She had taught him that he could succeed in whatever he set his mind to. In one way, all of this was a gift and allowed him to be accomplished in his profession. However, he had never gotten the message that it was okay to fail, that he didn’t need to be perfect all the time in order to be accepted and loved. So he didn’t do anything he wasn’t good at. He rarely pursued hobbies or outside interests. And even in the law, he never felt he had met his full potential.
In most cases, parents aren’t consciously cruel. They’re just lost in their own struggles, or they simply don’t know how to meet their child’s needs. In some cases, however, parents are actively causing harm, often by responding to their own shame by shaming the child.
Sheila worked with a couple in which the wife complained that her husband was berating her son, screaming at the boy and calling him a wuss for not trying out for sports at school. As Sheila worked with the husband, he revealed that he’d been severely bullied by other kids when he was in high school for not being athletic or sports-oriented. His childhood shame was now evoked and being placed on his high-school-aged son. Once the man realized what was happening, he was able to calm down and become more accepting and supportive, no longer unconsciously transferring his shame to his son.
Shame commonly gets passed down from parent to child and then to that child’s children later on. We refer to this as the multigenerational transmission of shame. We are dedicated to stopping this transmission. The motto we try to instill in our students and our clients is as follows:
"The buck stops here. I will endeavor to explore, understand and heal my own shame so I’m less likely to transfer it to my children. I will be aware when I shame them anyway because I get triggered, or by not being available, missing their cues, or setting rules and boundaries—and I will always try to make repair.”
5 Strategies to Minimze Shaming Your Children
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07.04.2024
By Bret Lyon, Ph.D., SEP
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Unfortunately, No matter how hard parents try, and no matter how good their intentions, they will frustrate, disappoint and shame their children some of the time. Shame is a primary emotion that is designed to keep us out of trouble, to help us live in harmony with our society. Parents in every society use this emotion to try to create some necessary order and structure.
As Sheila Rubin and I point out in our new book, Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Transform It Into a Powerful Ally, the simple act of saying “no,” which parents often have to say to keep their child safe, is shaming. The question is: does it lead to better functioning or to pain and dysfunction? Here’s an example: Johnny runs into the street. His mother, Sarah, sees him, completely loses her cool, and yells, “Johnny, you come back here this instant.” Is this shaming behavior toxic or healthy? We don't know yet.
The first test: does it get Johnny off the street? If he freezes in fear and shame, the yelling was clearly toxic shaming—and dangerous. But even if Johnny runs back, we don't know yet. It really depends on what happens next. If Sarah slaps him and tells him what a rotten, disobedient child he is, the shaming is toxic and the shame Johnny feels may have long-term consequences. But if Sarah says something like, “I got really........
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