We’ve all been there. Someone reaches out with a last-minute request. You barely have enough time to take care of your basic needs, let alone add one more thing to your to-do list. Before they even complete their sentence, you know that you need to decline their impending request.
Yet, somehow, by the end of the conversation, you have reluctantly agreed to take on an additional responsibility. You get mad at yourself for caving in and not being true to yourself.
This scenario is not an isolated incident. People frequently come to you with requests for two main reasons. The first is you have a track record for getting the job done. As an achiever, you are reliable and have a strong work ethic. Can you blame them for approaching you? It makes no sense for them to approach someone who is less reliable, motivated, or productive than you.
The second reason is that you lack firm boundaries. It is human nature to pursue the path of least resistance. As a result, people are more likely to test their luck with you than with someone who is known to set firm boundaries.
Setting boundaries is an essential skill for anxiety management. Never saying no to others is a surefire way to end up spread too thin and overwhelmed. Constantly putting the needs of others ahead of your own is also a recipe for burnout and exhaustion.
If you experience difficulties with setting boundaries, don’t lose hope. There are ways to sharpen this tool to use it more effectively.
Here are 5 common mistakes that interfere with your ability to set boundaries.
1. You ignore how you feel
Emotions are not in your head. You can feel them throughout your body. Feeling anger, sadness, or anxiety can come with a host of physical symptoms.
When someone approaches you with a request, pay attention to your body's response. It tells you how to respond before you even say a word. As they speak, you might feel muscle tension, irritability, a lump in your throat, or a pit in your stomach. This is a signal from your body to say no.
Do not ignore what your body is telling you. Being true to yourself by setting boundaries is a sign of self-respect and a buffer against the emotional pain of social rejection.
2. You overexplain yourself
In an effort to cope with difficult emotions such as guilt and the need to please, you tend to overshare the reasons for saying no. This tactic can backfire with someone who is masterful at manipulating you to get what they want.
The more information you share, the more likely you are to be manipulated into saying yes. By sharing information, you are only providing someone with the opportunity to build a case for overriding your boundaries. Even if you share every detail of how busy you are, they might counter you by saying, “What is the big deal with adding one more thing?”
When saying no, keep it short and sweet. Responses such as “Thank you for asking me, but no” or “I am sorry about your situation, but I will not help” will suffice. Be mindful of delivering the message in a compassionate but assertive tone. You can be kind and direct when setting boundaries.
3. You delay giving your response
When someone approaches you with a request, a common tactic is to buy time by offering a response such as “Let me think about it.” In such situations, you really want to say no but are avoiding doing so. By delaying your response, you secretly hope they will miraculously forget the ask, and you will be off the hook.
This tactic does not work. Not resolving the matter in real-time allows emotional forces such as guilt, feelings of obligation, and the need to please to influence you. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to talk yourself into saying yes. As a result, a delayed no inevitably turns into a reluctant yes.
Giving someone a timely response does not only benefit you. It benefits them by giving them plenty of notice to explore further options. Being honest with them is an act of compassion. Waiting until the last minute to say No puts them in a more disadvantageous position. This only makes it more likely they will try to pressure you due to time constraints.
4. You don’t set boundaries often enough
It can take time to become proficient in any skill. The same holds true with setting boundaries. At first, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable. You may fumble your words or not sound convincing when trying to establish them.
Over time, it gets easier. The more often you set boundaries, the more proficient and comfortable you will be in setting them.
As you work on honing this skill, remember that not setting boundaries is also hard. Constantly walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting people is an exhausting way to live.
5. You set boundaries only when you're busy
There is a misconception that boundaries are only necessary during busy times. As a result, you may be reluctant to set them when your life is not as hectic.
The reality is that it is OK to set boundaries regardless of how busy you are. You can be selective in what you agree to take on, even when you have less going on. Give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and tranquility of going at a slower pace.
In summary, boundaries are an important tool for anxiety management. Honing this skill can take time and practice. Beware of the five traps that can interfere with your ability to advocate for yourself.
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