Molly discovered that her husband, Mike, had collected several credit cards in secret. With these cards he’d made several impulse purchases without telling her, including a guitar and expensive electronic gadgets. Mike had also been hiding his financial statements and was now deeply in debt. When she confronted him he eventually confessed his behavior and they had a huge argument. In the end, they decided to cut up his credit cards, agreeing to figure out their finances and work on his underlying mental health issues.
Financial infidelity is also known as “marital financial deception” (MFD). It refers to the act of keeping secrets about money from not only a spouse but any significant other. Relationships are built on trust, and lying about money is a significant breach of trust, so for many, this type of dishonesty draws parallels to sexual or emotional cheating.
Financial infidelity is about more than just stashing a little cash in a cookie jar, it involves hiding one’s spending, savings, and debt. Garbinsky et al., define it as, “engaging in any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and intentionally failing to disclose this behavior to them.” Financial deceit can include hiding bills, keeping an undercover bank account or credit card, covert purchases or investments, taking out a loan in secret, and concealing debts. When couples lie to each other about their money it can start with innocent omissions or white lies, but then progress to serious financial irresponsibility such as mismanaging money and compulsive shopping or gambling.
Financial infidelity has been on the rise for decades. According to recent research, as many as 42 percent of people have committed some kind of financial infidelity. Why do people lie about money? There are many reasons. They might anticipate disapproval of their purchases or hope to avoid confrontation (which inevitably leads to confrontation in the longer term.) Some take the view of “It’s my money, so I can do what I want,” perhaps to reclaim autonomy in the relationship. Others are afraid of feeling embarrassed or ashamed about their reckless spending habits. Discussing money can be taboo in some families, leading to financial illiteracy and unhealthy spending habits in adulthood.
Like sexual or emotional cheating, financial infidelity can also destroy a relationship. Keeping secrets about money can negatively affect relationship stability and satisfaction. It can call the whole relationship into question, raising the concern: what else might they be dishonest about? Deceiving one’s spouse financially may prime one to betray them sexually, too. Alternatively, individuals who are already cheating on their spouse may use financial deception to facilitate or maintain an affair, for example, buying gifts for a paramour. One survey showed that 52 percent of the respondents said that financial cheating is just as bad as physical cheating, while 12 percent believe it’s actually worse.
Financial infidelity can have significant ramifications. It can affect a person’s credit rating and even carry legal consequences, especially when it comes to divorce. If a couple decides that they do want to mend the relationship, as in the case of Molly and Mike, the offending partner needs to stop lying about their finances. They need to start telling the truth, even when they make a mistake. As a couple, they need to communicate clearly, talk openly and honestly, and be financially transparent with each other. They may need to seek help from a financial advisor to get back on track. Others may need coaching in money management. (Some states and organizations offer free financial literacy education.)
Figuring out the finances, however, is only part of the solution. The individual may require therapy to address underlying mental health issues. Known as a money disorder, such self-destructive financial conduct might be an avoidance behavior or a sign of borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Due to a lack of impulse control and reckless behavior, these conditions can lead an individual to go on spending sprees.
Financial infidelity cannot always be fixed, and it can cause a lot of damage and erode trust in a relationship. If the couple is willing to do the work, however, they can recover and also resolve any underlying mental health issues that led to the problem in the first place.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Dew JP, Saxey MT, Mettmann A. Money lies and extramarital ties: Predicting separate and joint occurrences of financial deception and extramarital infidelity. Front Psychol. 2022 Nov 22;13:1038169. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1038169.
Emily N Garbinsky, Joe J Gladstone, Hristina Nikolova, Jenny G Olson, Love, Lies, and Money: Financial Infidelity in Romantic Relationships, Journal of Consumer Research, Volume 47, Issue 1, June 2020, Pages 1–24, https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucz052
Jeanfreau, M.M., Holden, C. & Brazeal, M. Our Money, My Secrets: Why Married Individuals Commit Financial Infidelity. Contemp Fam Ther 42, 46–54 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-019-09516-7
Financial Infidelity: The Cost of Keeping Secrets
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09.05.2024
Molly discovered that her husband, Mike, had collected several credit cards in secret. With these cards he’d made several impulse purchases without telling her, including a guitar and expensive electronic gadgets. Mike had also been hiding his financial statements and was now deeply in debt. When she confronted him he eventually confessed his behavior and they had a huge argument. In the end, they decided to cut up his credit cards, agreeing to figure out their finances and work on his underlying mental health issues.
Financial infidelity is also known as “marital financial deception” (MFD). It refers to the act of keeping secrets about money from not only a spouse but any significant other. Relationships are built on trust, and lying about money is a significant breach of trust, so for many, this type of dishonesty draws parallels to sexual or emotional cheating.
Financial infidelity is about more than just stashing a little cash in a cookie jar, it involves hiding one’s spending, savings, and debt. Garbinsky et al., define it as, “engaging in any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and intentionally failing to disclose this behavior to them.” Financial deceit can include hiding bills, keeping an undercover bank account or credit card, covert purchases or........
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