It’s natural to get angry. Angry at our partners, situations, and even ourselves. When anger is dangerous, however, is when it’s not channeled correctly. Regarding relationships, once partners learn how to manage their anger better, they tend to argue less as a couple.
When we get angry, our brains go into overdrive. We get so wrapped up in feeling hurt or frustrated that we can’t communicate kindly or even think rationally. We become singlehandedly focused on getting our point across. Consequently, others may not be able to hear what we are trying to say because their defenses go up, especially if we are loud or yelling.
This can create a negative cycle. One partner gets angry, the other partner gets defensive, neither partner hears the other, and both end up frustrated. Each time, the dynamic repeats.
It’s important to break this cycle.
That means recognizing it’s not enough to just want to feel heard; partners must be receptive to what the other is saying. For example, if one person is screaming, their partner might stop trying to listen at all, and they won’t be able to listen as well to the other’s point of view. In an argument, we need to learn not only to listen better but also to communicate in healthier ways. That starts with acknowledging our own anger so we don’t yell, slam doors, make sarcastic, snide comments, and more.
Recognizing when we become angry comes more easily for some than others. If you have trouble sensing when you become angry, pay attention to body cues since anger often starts physically. Oftentimes, when people become angry, their heart races, their palms get sweaty, their face turns red, they speak quickly and/or loudly, they fidget, or they clench their fists. Some get headaches or stomachaches. Others might become quiet and shut down. Everyone’s reaction to anger is different, and the goal is to become aware of your signals when you’re angry so you can address your feelings before they escalate and reach a high, damaging level.
Think of anger on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 is totally calm, and 10 is feeling out of control. The key is to pause any conversation or argument when we reach about a 6 out of 10 on the scale. Pausing is simple but not easy. Pausing involves recognizing we’re losing control of our emotions and stopping a conversation or whatever is happening, then stepping aside to do whatever is necessary to calm down before resuming.
This is what a time-out is for, which I will discuss next. The key is to acknowledge we’re getting angry, the conversation is getting heated, and we need a separation from the discussion. What people consider their “level 6” will differ, but to me, it means still being able to converse without yelling or screaming.
Some people think that pausing at level 6 isn’t necessary since they still feel somewhat in control, but anger can escalate quickly. Once we’re at a level 6, it can only take a few exchanges to shoot right up to a 10. The point of pausing is to prevent escalation, so it’s better to pause “too soon” than too late.
Most people associate time-outs with childhood. For some parents, it can be a standard punishment for a mischievous child who is forced to sit in a corner to reflect on what they did. In school, teachers sometimes use time-outs to manage unruly kids, but being punished in front of a classroom or in front of anyone can cause feelings of shame. Most of us associate time-outs with painful experiences and bad behavior.
That’s not what this time-out is about. Contrary to childhood time-outs, this relationship-focused time-out is meant to be restorative, not punitive. In other words, this time-out is not a disciplinary action but an investment in the relationship. It’s a mature way for either or both parties to take a breather. It’s a pause to allow our brains and bodies to calm down so we can hear each other. It’s a way of letting go in the present for the sake of having a more fruitful outcome in the future.
However, the first step in successfully implementing time-outs is establishing the rules with a partner beforehand. This should be done when you and your partner are calm, collected, and not in the middle of an active argument.
Here are what I consider the five basic rules for time-outs:
If you recognize that you’re angry and have reached level 6 or above, pause the conversation and ask your partner for a time-out. If you recognize that your partner is angry, it’s also OK to ask for a time-out on behalf of both of you. It’s not about who asks for the time-out. If either person is heated, the couple needs a time-out.
Here is an example of how to ask for a time-out:
“I can see that we are both getting heated, and I want to ask for a time-out. I think it will be good for both of us to pause and calm down. Let’s meet back here in two hours.”
During the time-out, do whatever helps you to get calm. That can include things like taking a walk, listening to calming music, journaling, doing push-ups or exercise, calling a friend, or watching TV. If possible, get some distance from your partner. If distance is not possible, focus on your preferred activity as best you can. The most important thing is stopping the conversation in order to prevent further damage.
Then, when the time-out is over, the person who called the time-out is in charge of reconvening the conversation. If the conversation again causes an escalation of emotion, it’s OK to take another time-out and repeat.
Often, schedules, kids, or other factors may delay the typical two-hour time limit. This may happen if an argument arises before bed or work. If so, the important thing is to communicate about when you plan to reconvene. For example, you might say: “It’s very late. I suggest we take a time-out until tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. after we drop off the kids at school. Can we finish our discussion then?”
Time-outs are a very effective way to prevent an argument from escalating further. They may be hard to implement at first, but with practice, they become easier. Pausing gives partners the opportunity to slow down and reflect and prevent strong emotions from harming a relationship.
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