What do you think of when you hear the word “boundaries”? Caregiving types of people, people-pleasers, often experience immediate feelings of anxiety when it comes to saying no, asking for help, or limiting the amount they give to others, which are all examples of boundary setting. Boundaries make them think of strict rules, grounds for conflict, or maybe something they aspire to implement but feel at a loss as to how they can set boundaries while maintaining their relationships.
It is common for people to feel overwhelmed, burned out, and like showing up in their relationships feels like too much. When you’re so busy focusing on another person’s needs and avoiding disapproval, you can easily lose sight of your place in the relationship. Have you stopped to consider what it is you need to be a partner within the relationship? In other words, what would it look like to be well in your relationships?
Being well can take the form of boundary setting. You can start to show self-respect in your relationship by saying no to certain requests, being more selective about the things you agree to, and speaking up about how things make you feel in your relationships.
This post will cover some common beliefs we hold about what “good” relationships entail, the downfalls of not setting boundaries, and the benefits of practicing boundary setting and maintaining self-awareness in our relationships. Lastly, I will share some examples of how to state your needs and assert healthy boundaries.
As my clients work through their feelings of general burnout and chronic stress, we begin to unpack common beliefs they have about what it means to be a “good person” in a relationship whether it is a personal or professional one. Some common phrases I’ve heard from my clients when it comes to boundary setting include:
"Saying no is selfish."
"By asking for help, you’re taking away from others or being a burden."
"Asserting your needs makes you look needy, mean, and pushy."
We adopt cultural and societal expectations over the course of our lifetimes about what it means to say no and to express our needs. These expectations can vary based on aspects of our social identities such as gender, race, and class. We adhere to these expectations because we want to avoid being rejected or being perceived as “bad”. However, we can suffer negative consequences if we only operate from societal and cultural expectations and never stop to acknowledge what it is we actually value and need.
Whether you identify as a people-pleaser or not, I would gather most of us ideally want to feel satisfied in our relationships and have them operate smoothly. To make this happen, you may need to change some of the ways you communicate and engage. It can feel challenging to try new ways of engaging with others, but with practice, these behaviors can lead closer to connections based on mutual understanding and respect, and further away from burnout and resentment.
One of the phrases I like to remind myself and my clients of is: You can only give from what you have. This helps me resist the temptation to give more than I have to give and helps prevent me from feeling burned out. I find it helps clients hold themselves accountable to take care of themselves once they realize it creates a positive feedback loop by doing so. The more they can take care of themselves, the more they can actually bring to the relationships they care about. Ultimately isn’t that what we all want?
Navigating Relationships: The Power of Healthy Boundaries
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04.12.2023
What do you think of when you hear the word “boundaries”? Caregiving types of people, people-pleasers, often experience immediate feelings of anxiety when it comes to saying no, asking for help, or limiting the amount they give to others, which are all examples of boundary setting. Boundaries make them think of strict rules, grounds for conflict, or maybe something they aspire to implement but feel at a loss as to how they can set boundaries while maintaining their relationships.
It is common for people to feel overwhelmed, burned out, and like showing up in their relationships feels like too much. When you’re so busy focusing on another person’s needs and avoiding disapproval, you can easily lose sight of your place in the relationship. Have you stopped to consider what it is you need to be a partner within the relationship? In other........
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