'Although I am hesitant to declare common ground with the Zionist occupier, I must agree with them on one point: Canada absolutely sucks as an ally'
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This week saw the spectacle of the NDP forcing the House of Commons into a vote on Palestinian statehood. With some of them clad in keffiyeh — a symbol of armed Palestinian resistance to Israeli rule — the party led an ultimately unsuccessful bid to break with 75 years of Canadian foreign affairs precedent and unilaterally recognize the Palestinian territories of Gaza and the West Bank as a sovereign state.
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They didn’t get what they wanted, but they did get a package of decidedly anti-Israel measures put forward as a substitute. This included a complete suspension of Canadian military exports to Israel, while retaining similar exports to countries such as Qatar or Saudi Arabia.
In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of Hamas.
People ask me all the time, they say, “Hamas, what would be the benefits of Palestinian statehood?” That’s easy! As a sovereign entity we’d be able to take out loans, open diplomatic channels and import arms, all of which we could then use to annihilate the Zionist occupiers post-haste. We could use plundered Zionist resources to destroy the traitorous infidel regimes in Egypt, Jordan and — if there’s time — Saudi Arabia. What’s not to like?
So, while I am of course cheered by Canada’s attempt to secure Palestinian sovereignty, I will note their rather paternalistic claim that this would lead to a “just and lasting peace.” That’s technically true, but we still have to kill, like, 12 to 15 million people to get there.
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Actually, the more closely I look at this Canadian statehood push, the more I’m deeply disappointed in our supposed “allies” in the Canadian parliament. I came across the comments of one representative — a Brian Masse — who said rising incidents of Canada antisemitism cannot hope to be curbed unless the current conflict is ended. Wrong: The “current conflict” is not a “cause” of antisemitism, Brian, it is a shining righteous beacon of why antisemitism must be the guiding purpose of all human endeavour.
Also, have you seen what our Canadian supporters look like? Sodomites. Unveiled women acting without the permission of their husbands. Their ranks even include self-described Jews.
In my darkest hours, when I have fleeting doubts about our righteous struggle against Jewish tyranny, I wonder about the uncanny ability of our cause to attract such degeneracy from the decadent West. Oh well; we’ll purge their likes soon enough.
I have a few style notes on the vampire caricature of Benjamin Netanyahu published in Canada’s La Presse. It’s a good start, but far too subtle. The cartoonist should more properly have shown Netanyahu waist deep in blood, possibly on a throne of skulls.
There was a severe deficit of Stars of David; I would have put one on his forehead, his torso, and on the handle of a knife that he was plunging repeatedly into the throat of a crying pregnant woman.
Also, the quality of the art is far too advanced to credibly pass as anti-Zionist propaganda: We generally demand that our artists do all their work on MS Paint.
Every day at dusk is typically when Al Jazeera calls to get the day’s civilian casualty figures. I’ll admit, with everything else going on I’ve gotten a bit sloppy with this. Just the other day I answered the phone with “Hello, this is Hamas speaking” … before quickly correcting myself to “Gaza Ministry of Health.”
And we used to at least try and match these figures with the day’s events. Every air strike was good for another 50. For artillery, we’d just do 10 for every minute of the barrage. But honestly, our whole command-and-control is a bit of a mess right now, so for most of this month I’ve just been saying 250 every day — although I will occasionally switch up the proportion of children in the mix so it doesn’t look too made-up.
Although I am hesitant to declare common ground with the Zionist occupier, I must agree with them on one point: Canada absolutely sucks as an ally. If their idea of support is constant non-binding resolutions, maybe it’d actually be best for us if the Jews kept them.
Oh sorry, I forgot, it’s not just resolutions. They also cut off military exports to Israel. Whoopty-doo, we’re going to defeat the IDF because they no longer have access to Canadian-made military equipment. How are they going to take Rafah without armoured snow machines?
And another thing: What’s with their MPs constantly claiming that “Hamas is not Palestine”? Check the polls, bro: We’ve got majority support across Gaza AND the West Bank — and that’s after we started a pointless conflict that got the former territory bombed into oblivion.
I’m not here to give Justin Trudeau electoral advice, but let’s see him turn half of Canada into a war zone while sitting safely in a luxury villa in Qatar built with stolen foreign aid. If he can do all that and still be poised to capture a parliamentary supermajority, then he can lecture us about representative government.
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