Do gaslighters know what they are doing? This is a common question asked of the psychological abuse tactic intended to manipulate others into questioning their own sanity. The term, which came from the 1938 British play Gas Light, depicted a charming husband who slowly manipulates his wife through isolation and tactful deception in a malicious attempt to make her lose her mind. His intent was to harm, as well as establish power and control, which are fundamental attributes when defining gaslighting, also making it a form of emotional abuse. What can be difficult to understand is someone who, for the most part, has positive intentions for their relationships, yet when under certain emotional pressure, uses gaslighting tactics and rarely takes responsibility for doing so.
Having a desire or determination to harm, often to sustain and attain control over a person or group, is the driving force behind malicious gaslighting. While all gaslighting has the potential to be harmful, there are forms of gaslighting that do not possess the purposeful intent to harm, otherwise known as subconscious gaslighting.
With subconscious gaslighting, there is a lack of awareness of one’s own behaviors, and the desire to manipulate or control another person or group is caused by the need to defend oneself from potential stressors, threats, or fears. The most common cause of subconscious gaslighting is a history of trauma, leading to fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses in the face of conflict. If someone becomes unable to safely inhabit their own body when under stress, they will be more likely to use gaslighting tactics to avoid perceived harm. A few examples include:
What sets subconscious gaslighting apart from malicious forms of gaslighting is the desire not to harm others, which can increase the likelihood that with proper insight, effort, support, and willingness, change can happen. Changing these negative patterns can take time, and a strong focus on self-awareness through mindfulness efforts and other supports such as therapy, and open dialogue within relationships is crucial. Taking ownership and expressing remorse, even for things that occurred in the past, is also important if real change is going to occur.
Unlike malicious gaslighting, which at times is dangerous to confront and often leads to narcissistic abuse patterns, subconscious gaslighting is important to point out when it occurs. It can be difficult to determine if you are experiencing non-malicious gaslighting, especially with a person you normally trust, so touching base with others, speaking to your own therapist, recording what you experience (perhaps in a journal), or exploring literature such as this on gaslighting can help support your concerns.
No matter which form of gaslighting you encounter, its impact can be harmful as it warps one’s sense of reality and safety. To protect your self-esteem, it is crucial to maintain effective boundaries with all gaslighters. In the case of malicious or pervasive gaslighting, this may look like ending a relationship or establishing limited contact. Choosing off-limit topics not to engage in with a malicious gaslighter is one example of limited contact that happens if you cannot go “no contact”—such as in the case of family or co-workers at a job you cannot or do not want to leave.
Boundaries with a subconscious gaslighter include these same approaches, as well as other workable boundaries that can change if the gaslighter improves their behavior and works to increase their self-awareness and emotional coping skills. Communicating about gaslighting behaviors you will not tolerate and that you require the person to change is an important example of necessary boundaries to establish with the non-malicious gaslighter. From there, identifying what the consequences will be if their behavior does not change, such as ending the relationship, is important. These requests are not “ultimatums” as some gaslighting messaging may portray, but rather reasonable boundaries that you have a right to adhere to.
With subconscious gaslighting, it can be difficult to determine whether the relationship needs to end or not. Ultimately you have the right to decide whether the relationship is healthy for you, be it a romantic relationship, friendship, family member, colleague, or even your medical provider. Continue speaking up for yourself, express your individual opinion, and know that whether it's subconscious or malicious, no one deserves to be the target of a gaslighter.
Portions of this post were adapted from my book: Gaslighting Recover for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Johnson, V. E., Nadal, K. L., Sissoko, D. R. G., & King, R. (2021). “It’s Not in Your Head”: Gaslighting, ‘Splaining, Victim Blaming, and Other Harmful Reactions to Microaggressions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 16(5), 1024-1036.
Lickel, Brian, et al. "Shame and the motivation to change the self." Emotion 14.6 (2014): 1049.
Petric, D. (2022) Psychology of Abusive Human Behavior. Open Journal of Medical Psychology, 11, 29-38.
Do Gaslighters Know What They Are Doing?
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18.02.2024
Do gaslighters know what they are doing? This is a common question asked of the psychological abuse tactic intended to manipulate others into questioning their own sanity. The term, which came from the 1938 British play Gas Light, depicted a charming husband who slowly manipulates his wife through isolation and tactful deception in a malicious attempt to make her lose her mind. His intent was to harm, as well as establish power and control, which are fundamental attributes when defining gaslighting, also making it a form of emotional abuse. What can be difficult to understand is someone who, for the most part, has positive intentions for their relationships, yet when under certain emotional pressure, uses gaslighting tactics and rarely takes responsibility for doing so.
Having a desire or determination to harm, often to sustain and attain control over a person or group, is the driving force behind malicious gaslighting. While all gaslighting has the potential to be harmful, there are forms of gaslighting that do not possess the purposeful intent to harm, otherwise known as subconscious gaslighting.
With subconscious gaslighting, there is a lack of awareness of one’s own behaviors, and the desire to manipulate or control another person or group is caused by the need to defend oneself from........
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