As a culture, we have yet to learn about assertiveness. As we have seen from the media, aggression is more the modus operands of today. As a collective, we’ve seen violence perpetrated way too often, with mass murders and violent riots in the streets. We hear about domestic violence and shootings almost every day. These are obvious examples of aggression.
Certainly, we can also see other examples of aggressiveness, such as instances of road rage or loud, angry arguments. But there are less obvious examples also and we may not even notice them. For example, aggressive statements very often start out with the word you. “You make me so mad.” “You did this or that wrong.” You should have…” These are aggressive because they stick it to the other guy. We “tell them off." We may even think we are trying to solve a problem with such statements when, actually, we may just be escalating the tension between the two parties.
In order to avoid being aggressive, there are those who will seek passivity as their solution. We fear the consequences of being aggressive and we may assume that the only other option is to be passive. The problem with this is that when we feel angry feelings, we don’t know what to do with them. So then, we might become passive-aggressive.
It is passive-aggressive, for example, to make sarcastic remarks that send a message that you are angry without ever having to own your anger. These remarks are not likely to solve any problems, and they might even make a problem worse. Passive aggression avoids any confrontation through covert means that may be manipulative.[i] We are being both aggressive and passive at the same time. I’m communicating in some way that I’m angry and I’m hoping that you will get it. But I don’t want to really tell you that I’m angry because I’m afraid you won’t like me, or I’m afraid you’ll get mad, or other possible consequences.
So, what do we mean by assertiveness? First, we mean that we are willing to take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. That willingness is demonstrated through the language we use in our encounters with others. Therefore, we don’t start our sentences with you. It might work more effectively to start the sentence with I. “I’m really hurt right now because of what you just said or did.” “I like it better when you...” “I feel uncomfortable with...” “I disagree.” What this does is allow you to own your own stuff. You are not telling the other person what they think or what they are doing wrong or right. You are simply letting them know who you are in a given dynamic. You are owning responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
On a collective level, this strategy has been demonstrated through peaceful marches where the crowd just acknowledges that their rights have been violated and they are very clearly asking to have them restored.
On an individual level, we can see this when two people are willing to own their own feelings—take responsibility for them and ask for a solution to a problem. There is no projection here—where I might demand that you fix my feelings for me. There is no aggressive push to make you behave better, make you stay behind my boundaries, make you feel ashamed so that you will do what I want, make you do anything.
Most people think of assertiveness as the ability to say “no,” or the ability to put up boundaries. Though those are certainly a part of what assertiveness can give us, it is more than that. Assertiveness is the ability to clearly convey your feelings and thoughts in a fashion that both allows the other person to have their own feelings and thoughts while seeking a solution to a problem.
Here’s a very important aspect of assertiveness that we don’t often think about: If you are going to assert yourself, you have to have a self to assert. Before we assert anything to anyone, we need to be sure that we are clear about who we are, which part of us needs to assert something, and why.
Such self-reflection requires a pause. Instead of launching into an argument with someone, we could just pause—hold the tension between the feeling and the action while we reflect on what is real within us. We might even have to say to the other person, “I need to think about this for a while and get back to you.” Then, of course, we need to keep our word and really get back to them.
The pause means that we do some honest research into who we are in this discussion. What is it that I really want or need? Can I really stand on what I want to say here? What part of me is asking for this, and why? Is there any internal conflict that I might be projecting onto the other person? By asking and answering questions such as these, we get closer to the authentic Self, and can then bring Self to the conversation.
After such self-reflection, we might want to gather three or four key points to bring back to the discussion—and then stick only with those points in the conversation. Be sure to bring your Self with you, as you start your sentences with I.
References
Birenbaum, Beth. (no date). Assertiveness: definition, examples & techniques. Berkely Well-Being Institute. https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/assertiveness.html Retrieved 4/10/2024.
Bringing Self to the Conversation
23
0
16.04.2024
As a culture, we have yet to learn about assertiveness. As we have seen from the media, aggression is more the modus operands of today. As a collective, we’ve seen violence perpetrated way too often, with mass murders and violent riots in the streets. We hear about domestic violence and shootings almost every day. These are obvious examples of aggression.
Certainly, we can also see other examples of aggressiveness, such as instances of road rage or loud, angry arguments. But there are less obvious examples also and we may not even notice them. For example, aggressive statements very often start out with the word you. “You make me so mad.” “You did this or that wrong.” You should have…” These are aggressive because they stick it to the other guy. We “tell them off." We may even think we are trying to solve a problem with such statements when, actually, we may just be escalating the tension between the two parties.
In order to avoid being aggressive, there are those who will seek passivity as their solution. We fear the consequences of being aggressive and we may assume that the only other option is to be passive. The problem with this is that when we feel angry feelings, we don’t know what to do with them. So then, we might become passive-aggressive.
It is........
© Psychology Today
visit website
login
who are we?
contact us
qosheapp
Toi Staff
Gideon Levy
Belen Fernandez
Andrew Mitrovica
Mort Laitner
Nikkei Editorial
Ali Fathollah-Nejad
Rami G Khouri
