I have been thinking about the effect on children moving between two homes after their parents' divorce. When I divorced in the mid-1990s, my ex and I nested (“birdnested”) for 15 months so that our kids stayed put. In my work with divorcing parents, I always discussed nesting for transitional or long-term co-parenting and coached many families who nested successfully for months or years. I promoted the advantages to the kids as well as to the parents, and wrote The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting, which was published in 2020.

But looking at this from the children’s point of view tips the topic on its head. As one adult child later told me about his nesting experience, “Our parents carried the burden of the divorce; we kids didn’t have to do that.”

I have observed a 6-year-old boy who has been moving between two homes since his parents separated when he was a year old. He has no memory of his family living together. For some time, these transitions were his “normal.” But, as he grew, he saw that his kindergarten friends were, for the most part, living with both parents, and he began to ask questions. “Why don’t Mom and Dad live together? Why can’t I stay with Dad today? I want to see my kitty at Mom’s house.”

I began to ask myself questions, too. He is an only child, a boy. I wonder how his experience would be different if he had a sibling? If he were a girl? If his parents had divorced earlier? If they had nested? And, importantly, how can therapists and parents support these children?

Therapists who work with families of divorce know that the experience of children going back and forth between two homes after their parents' divorce can vary significantly. Factors such as the age of the child(ren), the relationship between the parents, the distance between the two homes, and the overall level of conflict or cooperation between the parents all will affect the child’s experience.

Here are my ideal scenarios after a divorce if the family chooses not to nest:

Of course, my ideals are a stretch for many parents. Even efforts toward these ideals will benefit your children. But without your effort toward those ideals, there are some common experiences that your children may have:

Parents need to prioritize their children's well-being during and after divorce by fostering open communication, minimizing conflict, and creating a supportive and consistent environment for their children, both in their own home and in the other parent's home. How can you carry the burden of the divorce so that your children don’t have to? Let this be your guide to creating a healthy postdivorce adjustment for your children.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2024