It’s a key question for parents to ask and discuss with their last-stage adolescent (aged 18–23 years) soon to leave their care to operate more independently: “What do you expect now?”
“When I was living at home, my parents decided most of what was wanted and supposed to happen. But, now that I am moving out, setting those expectations is up to me.”
The challenge of this psychological handoff is often unappreciated when the power of expectations is not fully understood.
For the young person, the expectations she or he creates can have a lot of bearing on how smoothly or harshly this transition to functional independence unfolds. Managing so much more freedom takes a lot of getting used to. Having realistic expectations can help ease this adjustment, while unrealistic expectations can make it harder.
So, consider what expectations are, their powerful positive functions, how emotionally costly unrealistic and unmet expectations can be, and what advice parents might helpfully give.
Expectations are ideas that are proactive and adaptive. They are chosen mental sets that help people estimate experience to come, they maintain valued continuity one day to the next, and they help people adjust to change.
Much that we did today we did yesterday and shall do again tomorrow; yet, every day brings new and different circumstances and challenges to deal with. So, on the one hand, we need to count on repeating the expected to create continuity, and, on the other, we need to be ready to adjust our thinking to fit unexpected changes.
In general, expectations deal with what’s happening in the following four powerful ways—with predictions, ambitions, conditions, and limitations. Each kind of expectation has affirming impact when fulfilled, and unhappy emotional consequences when not.
Predictions are about expecting what will happen—thinking ahead, considering possibilities, forecasting problems, and calculating risks. Predictions have the power to anticipate: “I thought this might happen, so I was ready when it did.” Predictions prepare for what happens next. Unmet and unrealistic predictions can cause worry and anxiety from ignorance: “I don't know what’s going to happen now!”
Ambitions are about expecting what one wants to happen—creating plans, setting goals, satisfying purposes, pursuing dreams. Ambitions have the power to motivate: “I go after what matters to me.” Ambitions focus on advancement and fulfillment. Unmet and unrealistic ambitions can cause sadness and disappointment from feeling let down: “I didn’t get what I worked and hoped for!”
Conditions are about expecting what should happen—following rules, keeping promises, taking responsibility, behaving according to values. Conditions have the power to obligate. Unmet and unrealistic obligations can cause anger and guilt when a commitment is unmet: “I really let myself down!”
Limitations are expectations that set how much doing a person can tolerate happening. Limitations have the power to regulate: “I can refuse and say ‘no’ to myself and others.” Unmet and unrealistic limits can allow excessive demand, creating stress: “I took on too much and feel overwhelmed!”
What can you advise your departing adolescent about handling these complicated and essential mental sets? Parents might include in their suggestions some of what follows:
Finally, commit to moderating self-expectations:
“Using predictions, I will continue to think ahead, knowing I cannot foresee everything.”
“Using ambitions, I want to keep pursuing my goals, knowing I cannot always reach them all.”
“Using conditions, I should hold myself to high account, but always accept that I am not perfect.”
“Using limitations, I can decide on doing a lot, as long as I don't get entrapped into doing too much.”
The art of setting and resetting realistic expectations is a life-long challenge at every age. Writing this, I’m reminded of President Abraham Lincoln’s observation many years ago: “I believe most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” I think choosing what expectations to hold is one important way people can happily or unhappily “make up their minds.”
The End of Adolescence and the Power of Future Expectations
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02.01.2024
It’s a key question for parents to ask and discuss with their last-stage adolescent (aged 18–23 years) soon to leave their care to operate more independently: “What do you expect now?”
“When I was living at home, my parents decided most of what was wanted and supposed to happen. But, now that I am moving out, setting those expectations is up to me.”
The challenge of this psychological handoff is often unappreciated when the power of expectations is not fully understood.
For the young person, the expectations she or he creates can have a lot of bearing on how smoothly or harshly this transition to functional independence unfolds. Managing so much more freedom takes a lot of getting used to. Having realistic expectations can help ease this adjustment, while unrealistic expectations can make it harder.
So, consider what expectations are, their powerful positive functions, how emotionally costly unrealistic and unmet expectations can be, and what advice parents might helpfully give.
Expectations are ideas that are proactive and adaptive. They are chosen mental sets that help........
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