Romantic love: What is it?
Perhaps this: some compelling mix of emotional attraction, affection, and attachment in a relationship that becomes positively consuming at the time. Nothing else feels like it matters so much, or is as painful as losing what one has found. It’s a thrilling and scary experience—so much to gain and so much to lose.
While I believe most adolescents do not have this romantic love experience during the high school years, some of them do. And although most of these do not mature into enduring love, the experience still has much to teach for the conduct of committed relationships later on, when "in-love" opens the door to love of lasting long-term value.
At the time, for parents to keep in mind, is how in-love gives the infatuated relationship ultimate value. "This is what matters most!"
Among the hard lessons learned from romantic love can be these:
Welcome to the complexity of romantic love! On all four counts, in-love proves to be a challenge—wonderful to experience, but complicated to manage. Why so?
The excitement of romantic love falsifies the relationship by idealizing the other person. “She’s just wonderful!” “He’s perfect!” Committed love accepts the reality of each other’s peculiarities and limitations, and cherishes the other person for all the human being they are.
So, when their older teenager is in a struggle with a romantic attachment, parents might want to explain how there’s nothing necessarily “wrong” with a relationship that is punctuated by moments of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. These are not a problem to avoid, but an operating reality to accept and profit by. Discord and discontents create the opportunity to communicate, understand, and adjust the relationship for the better.
To this end, parents might want to offer an oversimplified explanation about how all love relationships are necessarily mixed. They can do so by describing the necessary compromises of love.
Consider three factors that young love at any age must manage—a complicated compromise of rewards, responsibilities, and risks. Perhaps explain them this way:
When any of three R’s gets out of individual or mutual balance for a painful time, "bad bargain" complaints can arise, as the working compromise is not working for one or both parties.
Now the mix has to be discussed and maybe adjusted so the relationship works well enough for both parties concerned.
Because individual and circumstantial life change keeps upsetting and resetting the terms of everyone’s existence all the time, this mix, the compromise of the three R’s, must be constantly monitored, managed, and discussed.
The lesson of romantic love is that it becomes more complicated as caring grows. By respecting, listening, and suggesting, parents can help their adolescent learn how to manage the complexity of first love. In simplest terms, parents might suggest that what it takes to support a romantic relationship might be the following:
And when any of the three factors feel in need of change, commit to talking out what adjustments can be made.
Even though romance in adolescence may not last, what it teaches about managing significant loving relationships can have lasting value. And since romantic attraction increases emotional caring that encourages sexual arousal, when romance takes hold, it is definitely a time for parents to talk with their teenager about how to keep this valued relationship sexually safe.
When Your Adolescent First Falls in Love
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29.04.2024
Romantic love: What is it?
Perhaps this: some compelling mix of emotional attraction, affection, and attachment in a relationship that becomes positively consuming at the time. Nothing else feels like it matters so much, or is as painful as losing what one has found. It’s a thrilling and scary experience—so much to gain and so much to lose.
While I believe most adolescents do not have this romantic love experience during the high school years, some of them do. And although most of these do not mature into enduring love, the experience still has much to teach for the conduct of committed relationships later on, when "in-love" opens the door to love of lasting long-term value.
At the time, for parents to keep in mind, is how in-love gives the infatuated relationship ultimate value. "This is what matters most!"
Among the hard lessons........
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