Children’s experiences of sibling aggression and abuse remain largely invisible. Mistreated children, parents, and practitioners dismiss many aggressive sibling behaviors—such as pushing, hitting, injuring, constantly ridiculing, and threatening bodily harm—as expected or harmless sibling rivalry. This widely held belief is a major barrier to the recognition of aggressive sibling behaviors, causing many children to suffer in silence.
Survey data demonstrates the frequency and invisibility of sibling harm. The first and only U.S. national survey to measure sibling aggression showed that aggressive sibling behaviors are common. About 36 percent of children in the survey, which was collected from 2008 to 2014, reported incidents in which a sibling assaulted them, threatened them, or even left an injury. This translates to over 26 million American children under 18. Yet, this form of family violence is rarely acknowledged.
The key to understanding the difference between rivalry and concerning sibling behaviors is that rivalry is not about intentionally harming or controlling a brother or sister mentally or physically. In other words, there are no deliberate injuries, purposeful intimidation, or coercive threats made.
While sibling rivalry is normal and relatively harmless, sibling aggression and abuse can have lifelong negative impacts on mental, physical, and relationship health. So why don’t more children and families seek help for this problem?
Because sibling aggression and abuse are rarely acknowledged in society, many children do not recognize the way a sibling treats them as a form of harm. Further, if interpersonal violence and aggression are normalized in a family, children may blame themselves or dismiss the behaviors.
If a child recognizes they have been harmed by a brother or sister, deciding whether to seek help can be a struggle. Harmed children may experience a range of emotions, including fear, confusion, shame, and guilt. They may want to tell someone, but fear getting their sibling into trouble, which could lead to retaliation and add to family stress.
Sometimes, harmed children attempt to fight back against their siblings. This can make them feel like they don’t deserve help because they have also acted aggressively. Alternately, harmed children may go out of their way to please their siblings or try to avoid being around them. Each of these common responses contributes to the invisibility of sibling aggression and abuse, resulting in harmed children feeling isolated, powerless, or hopeless.
Parents also play an important role in whether harmed children seek help. Below are common parental responses that may make it unlikely that a mistreated child seeks help.
Dismissive or aggressive responses
Inappropriate reframing
Some parents may respond by inappropriately reframing aggressive sibling behavior as beneficial. Such a reaction dismisses the nature and impact of the aggression.
Responses such as dismissal, aggression, and inappropriate reframing may reflect that parents do not know what would be helpful to say or do. Regardless of the motivation, ineffective parental responses signal a lack of parental support and protection for the harmed child, impacting their well-being and ability to trust others. It can be confusing when aggressive sibling behavior is tolerated. Feeling hopeless, some harmed children choose to seek help from another adult outside the family. However, this choice risks being viewed as hurting or embarrassing the family.
Greater awareness of how rivalry differs from aggressive and abusive sibling behavior is crucial to stop the harm being caused. Research on the harmfulness of sibling aggression and abuse is clear, and better recognition and response are needed. With knowledge, the barriers to seeking help that are detrimental to recovery, healing, and building resilience can be reduced. A reduction in barriers may aid survivors in coming forward.
References
Elliott, K., Fitz‐Gibbon, K., & Maher, J. (2020). Sibling violence: Understanding experiences, impacts, and the need for nuanced responses. The British Journal of Sociology, 71(1), 168–182. https://doi.org/10/grrzcv
Tucker, C. J., & Kazura, K. (2013). Parental responses to school-aged children’s sibling conflict. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(5), 737–745. https://doi.org/10/f42vzf
Tucker, C. J., Whitworth, T. R., Finkelhor, D. (2023). Recommendations for parents on managing sibling conflict and aggression (SAARA Bulletin #2). Crimes against Children Research Center, University of New Hampshire. https://www.unh.edu/ccrc/resource/saara-bulletin-2
Wiehe, V. R. (1997). Sibling abuse: Hidden physical, emotional, and sexual trauma (2nd edition). SAGE Publications, Inc.
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