I have written before about how our words matter, but what if you don’t express your words—your pain, your feelings of loss, anger, emptiness, and sadness? What could happen to you if you don’t deal with the pain of your deceased loved one?
Why is it so important to speak about your deceased loved one to family and others? Many times, family members want to protect each other from the pain of death, so no one is allowed to talk about a loved one who died. But this could cause problems in the future, especially when children or teens are involved. They can become confused about how they feel and whom they can talk to about it, especially when they may not have mom, dad, grandparents, siblings, or a beloved pet around anymore, and since they believe they are not allowed to cry or even to speak of the deceased.
As they grow up, children may carry all of this pain with them and not talk about feelings when someone else close to them dies. Can they go to their teacher or counselor and tell them how sad they are because a loved one or a friend has died? Yes, but maybe out of fear that their teacher or counselor will contact their family and they might get in trouble, they might hesitate with them. Maybe they could talk to a close friend about what they are experiencing. This is possible, but what if that person tells their family because they are concerned about how their friend is feeling and the family contacts the friend's family to offer their concern and the teen or child could perhaps get in trouble for bothering another family with their problems?
As you can see, this can become very complicated and can certainly cause mental, physical, social, and even spiritual problems down the road.
I have had several of these adults in my grief and suicide groups (the latter for family and friends of those who have ended their lives). They may be married with children of their own and struggle to figure out how to help their kids with the loss of a loved one. They don’t know what to say to their children, because they were never allowed to express their own grief years ago.
I had a young man in my suicide group who said at the end of a session that it had been the first time anyone had ever listened to the fears and sadness he had been carrying around for many years.
Even if friends and family tell the bereaved to “move on” and “get over it," it is important and OK to talk about your fears, sadness, guilt, anger, and pain after the loss of a family member, a friend, or even a family pet. It is important to tell your story, over and over again. It is OK to cry or not cry. It is OK not to be OK. It is not OK to keep all these feelings inside because they can cause physical, mental, social, and even spiritual problems now and in the future.
So, please, allow yourself to feel what you feel and share those feelings with someone who will listen and perhaps give you the help you may need. Then you will be able to help yourself as well as your children when a death occurs.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
What Happens When We Don't Talk About Our Pain
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26.02.2024
I have written before about how our words matter, but what if you don’t express your words—your pain, your feelings of loss, anger, emptiness, and sadness? What could happen to you if you don’t deal with the pain of your deceased loved one?
Why is it so important to speak about your deceased loved one to family and others? Many times, family members want to protect each other from the pain of death, so no one is allowed to talk about a loved one who died. But this could cause problems in the future, especially when children or teens are involved. They can become confused about how they feel and whom they can talk to about it, especially when they may not have mom, dad, grandparents, siblings, or a beloved pet around anymore, and since they believe they are not allowed to cry or even to speak of the deceased.
As they grow up, children may........
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