Although arguing with a narcissist is rarely fruitful because they are unwilling to see your perspective, a simple technique may still help you come out ahead. It involves identifying the manipulation at play instead of defending yourself and arguing about the details of the topic. This approach works if you are emotionally intelligent because you can emotionally regulate and appear calm (even if you are slightly anxious on the inside) and recognize an emotional manipulation when it comes your way.
A narcissist typically may use three types of manipulations during a conflict: deflection, blame-shifting, and victim stance. Deflection is a narcissist’s absolute refusal to look at themselves or their behaviors/words. Instead, the narcissist casts blame outward onto you and unfairly attacks you. This is blame shifting. If those tactics fail, the narcissist often resorts to playing the victim. This occurs when the narcissist acts like they are the injured party because you are a “meanie” and a “bully” for confronting them.
A narcissist’s main technique when interacting with someone who “dares” to address an issue with them, is to avoid looking inward, and immediately deflect the blame and attack back. So, in place of focusing on the issue you bring forward, they pounce on you for something else. This instantly takes the focus away from them and puts you in the “hot seat.” Plus, they often solidify their attack by misconstruing your actions and words. They frame you as an aggressive, antagonistic, and even abusive party for simply attempting to work out a problem. This is victim stance.
For example, Terry needs to talk to Fran about the derogatory comment she made to their daughter, Anne, during dinner the previous night. The remark hurt and upset Anne who spiraled in her room for most of the night. Terry spent hours consoling Anne and attempted to smooth things over by indicating that Fran did not mean it, and her words “just came out wrong.”
In the car when Terry and Fran are alone, Terry gently says, “Fran, I think you need to be more careful when you give feedback to Anne. She is trying very hard to be healthy and saying that she needs to “Cut out the carbs and hit the treadmill if she wants to get rid of her gut,” may not be constructive. Instead, maybe you can say, “Great job working out every day. Keep it up, honey. It will pay off.”
Fran is indignant. She turns to Terry and says, “Do not tell me how to parent when you are the reason she is screwed up. If you hadn’t spent so much time at work and out with your friends when she was little, she would not have these self-esteem issues.”
Terry’s head spins and he thinks about earlier days when he worked overtime to pay their mortgage. He defends himself and argues that he had no choice. Fran retaliates and blames Terry for being superficial and caring more about material things than his own daughter. Terry is baffled. He remembers Fran’s insistence about moving into a nicer house. Terry escalates and reminds Fran that she is the one who wanted to “keep up with the Joneses.” The fight intensifies and turns into a screaming match. Both Fran and Terry return home and Terry is demoralized from the nightmare fight.
On the other hand, if Terry identifies the dynamic while appearing calm, the conversation may end differently. In the car Terry gently confronts Fran. She erupts and attempts to blame Terry, but he refrains from defending himself and calmly says, “I think you are deflecting, Fran.” This enrages Fran and when she attacks Terry again, he says softly, “I think you are trying to shift the blame onto me.” Fran loses it and starts crying and accuses Terry of being mean. At this point, Terry realizes she is positioning herself as the wounded party in order to make him feel bad. He responds with, “Fran, you are not the victim here. Anne is.”
This strategy may render Fran speechless because all of her manipulations are aimed at involving Terry in a major fight so that she can capture his angry words, blow them up, and throw them in his face in order to exonerate herself and vilify him. If Terry does not engage and, instead, identifies the manipulations, he protects himself from a hellish, elongated blow out. Also, he doesn’t give Fran any material to misconstrue and use against him.
It is important to say that many of Fran’s manipulations are actually unconscious defense mechanisms. She may not be aware of her manipulative tendencies; however, this does not excuse them in any way. She may need to gain an awareness of her defensiveness so she can stop herself and salvage her relationships.
Emotional Intelligence Can Win an Argument With a Narcissist
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22.01.2024
Although arguing with a narcissist is rarely fruitful because they are unwilling to see your perspective, a simple technique may still help you come out ahead. It involves identifying the manipulation at play instead of defending yourself and arguing about the details of the topic. This approach works if you are emotionally intelligent because you can emotionally regulate and appear calm (even if you are slightly anxious on the inside) and recognize an emotional manipulation when it comes your way.
A narcissist typically may use three types of manipulations during a conflict: deflection, blame-shifting, and victim stance. Deflection is a narcissist’s absolute refusal to look at themselves or their behaviors/words. Instead, the narcissist casts blame outward onto you and unfairly attacks you. This is blame shifting. If those tactics fail, the narcissist often resorts to playing the victim. This occurs when the narcissist acts like they are the injured party because you are a “meanie” and a “bully” for confronting them.
A narcissist’s main technique when interacting with someone who........
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