If you are a person who looks in the mirror and self-reflects, you may be confused when your partner provides feedback that, even after careful consideration, does not seem fair. The words hurt and swim in your head for several days. You may wonder if you are too sensitive. There are two ways to tell if your partner is providing accurate feedback or if the comment is unfair and meant to dismantle your confidence.

First, is the comment general or specific?

A partner’s toxic comments are typically confusing because they may not pinpoint anything specific. This type of negative, broad, and ambiguous feedback is often difficult to sort out, and can create confusion, self-doubt, and derail your confidence.

For example, "Tom, I saw your fall schedule. It is ridiculous. What are you thinking? You know I have a career too. You are so selfish. I cannot believe you."

"Lisa, I read your research proposal, like you asked, and honestly, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. The topic is uninteresting and overdone. You should scrap it and start over."

"Ron, the way you handled that situation was so bad. Nobody should put you in charge of anything, EVER."

A partner who provides helpful guidance, on the other hand, is specific and clear, so you know where the problem lies. It may sting at first, but you may quickly realize the merit of the assessment and seek to correct yourself.

Some examples of a partner who provides constructive feedback include, "Tom, I saw your schedule and I am okay with most of it, but I have my seminar on Wednesday evenings and I teach my class every other Saturday morning. You may have forgotten. Can you switch things around so you can be home with the kids during those times?"

"Lisa, your proposal is good. I can tell you worked really hard on it. The section about the research and its pertinence to public health may need to be beefed up. If you fix that, I think it will be incredible."

"Ron, sometimes you are too nice. You may want to think about establishing a boundary with Rachel. I feel like she is exploiting your generosity."

Second, toxic feedback includes an underlying character attack embedded in the comment. It highlights you as the problem in place of the issue that needs attention. This is exemplified in the toxic comments listed above.

In the first example, Tom is accused of being a selfish person rather than someone who may have innocently forgotten his partner’s seasonal schedule changes. This is out of character for him. He is usually conscientious and thoughtful. He simply needs a gentle reminder. In the second example, Lisa is given the message that her ideas are boring and that her work should be tossed out, even though she is a hard worker with lots of potential if she remedies one specific issue. Third, Ron is told he is a terrible leader instead of a lenient boss who may need to set a boundary with one specific employee.

The difference is clear. Toxic communication involves negative and overarching criticism that indicates that you are the problem. Alternatively, a healthy critique shines the light on a distinct issue that may need your attention. Next, you are encouraged to fix it and keep plugging. A partner who communicates in a toxic and destructive manner instead of a supportive and helpful way may need some professional guidance on how to mend their ways.