Whether it is fear of missing out, sexual boredom, or an innate pull toward polyamory, contemporary couples are increasingly considering consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as a lifestyle choice. Although seemingly simple on its surface, this choice likely includes weighing values, societal judgments, family systems, emotional tolerance levels, and trust. Taking a value-neutral position, this post is intended to help readers evaluate the balance among rational choice, emotional tolerance, and trust in considering a CNM relationship.
A 2024 Match Singles in America report indicated that of those open to CNM relationships, 11 percent endorsed polyamory, 13 percent open relationships, 21 percent being monogamish, 12 percent swinging, and more. If you have never engaged in these types of relationships and are considering it… or if you are considering a new relationship partner who either claims or aspires to one of these forms of CNM, you might want to consider your attachment style. Similarly, if you have been in a monogamous relationship and either you or your partner have become interested in exploring some form of CNM, a clear discussion of each of your attachment styles is in order.
Attachment styles develop in childhood, remain relatively stable across adulthood, and have a powerful influence on how adults think, feel, and behave in relationships. There are presently four primary adult styles discussed in the adult attachment literature: secure, dismissing, preoccupied, and fearful.
Despite societal stigmatization, many people engaged in CNM relationships report a high level of relationship satisfaction with common processes of communication, honesty, negotiation, and consensus. These processes are like those typically found in secure attachment, which may be important for the successful realization of CNM relationships (see Moore et al., 2015 for review).
For those who have never engaged in CNM but might be considering it, Moore and her colleagues (2015) found that those with higher levels of attachment avoidance had more positive attitudes toward and willingness to engage in CNM (although they still generally prefer monogamous relationships). These researchers hypothesized that “avoidant individuals may prefer CNM relationships because these relationships allow them to dilute emotional closeness with one partner by investing less across multiple partners.” Ka, Bottcher, and Walker (2020) came up with nearly identical results in their 2020 study, with higher levels of avoidance relating to more positive attitudes and willingness to engage in CNM relationships.
In Moore et al.’s and Ka et al.’s studies, higher levels of attachment anxiety (underlying preoccupied attachment) were not related to positive attitudes or willingness to engage in CNM.
A pattern that is often seen with couples in therapy is that a more avoidant partner in an initially monogamous relationship either has a history of, or interest in, CNM relationships and seeks the cooperation and/or participation of the preoccupied partner to tolerate or participate in CNM themselves (e.g., swinging).
This arrangement requires a great deal of trust and discussion of motives and the difference between rational decision-making and emotional tolerance. First, the more anxious/preoccupied person will want to know if you really like/love them and may have a hard time understanding how (in their mind) they are not enough for you. They are also likely to need to understand how you could be depended on as a relationship partner if you desire sexual contact with others. You will want to clearly think out in advance the answer to this question so you can clearly articulate how and in what ways you will be a loving and supportive partner who can, at least partially, meet their relationship needs.
If the more anxious/preoccupied partner is convinced that a CNM relationship makes rational sense, it will be important to ask them to take stock of their own jealousies and emotional tolerances. The rational brain and the emotional brain have some overlap but are in different brain areas that do not always talk to each other that well. It could be expected that a preoccupied person might agree in principle to a CNM arrangement only to find that once this arrangement is initiated they feel jealous, shameful (particularly if they did not really want to have sex with another but did it to please you), and flooded by negative emotion. Emotional reasoning might make them feel betrayed (even if they agreed to it) by you, deeply wounded, and unable to continue in the relationship.
So, if you think that a CNM relationship is for you:
References
Conley, T. D., & Piemonte, J. L. (2021). Are there “Better” and “Worse” Ways to be Consensually Non-Monogamous (CNM)?: CNM Types and CNM-Specific Predictors of Dyadic Adjustment. Archives of Sexual Behavior: The Official Publication of the International Academy of Sex Research, 50(4), 1273–1286. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02027-3
Moors, A. C., Conley, T. D., Edelstein, R. S., & Chopik, W. J. (2015). Attached to monogamy? Avoidance predicts willingness to engage (but not actual engagement) in consensual non-monogamy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(2), 222–240. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514529065
Ka, W. L., Bottcher, S., & Walker, B. R. (2022). Attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy predicted by sociosexual behavior and avoidant attachment. Current Psychology, 41(7), 4312–4320. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00941-8
Swinging With Attachment Styles
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18.04.2024
Whether it is fear of missing out, sexual boredom, or an innate pull toward polyamory, contemporary couples are increasingly considering consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as a lifestyle choice. Although seemingly simple on its surface, this choice likely includes weighing values, societal judgments, family systems, emotional tolerance levels, and trust. Taking a value-neutral position, this post is intended to help readers evaluate the balance among rational choice, emotional tolerance, and trust in considering a CNM relationship.
A 2024 Match Singles in America report indicated that of those open to CNM relationships, 11 percent endorsed polyamory, 13 percent open relationships, 21 percent being monogamish, 12 percent swinging, and more. If you have never engaged in these types of relationships and are considering it… or if you are considering a new relationship partner who either claims or aspires to one of these forms of CNM, you might want to consider your attachment style. Similarly, if you have been in a monogamous relationship and either you or your partner have become interested in exploring some form of CNM, a clear discussion of each of your attachment styles is in order.
Attachment styles develop in childhood, remain relatively stable across adulthood, and have a powerful influence on how adults think, feel, and behave in........
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