Gaslighting is now a widespread term, and recent research has started to examine the most common ways to recognize it in relationships, along with the motivations behind the behavior. Recognizing gaslighting more quickly, and understanding what drives it, allows victims a deeper understanding of this devastating interpersonal behavior.

Individuals who use gaslighting in relationships do so to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviors and to control others. In both cases, relationships are used as a means to an end, a way to receive what one wants at the expense of others’ emotions, boundaries, and, often, personal safety.

Refusing to take responsibility for one’s behaviors can make others question the reality they’re experiencing—which is the ultimate goal of a gaslighter. Most of the time, these individuals refuse to accept responsibility for their most harmful behaviors, but skilled gaslighters also avoid taking responsibility for more everyday behavior—though the newest research suggests that most of their avoidance tactics center around taking attention away from their immature, hurtful behaviors.

If an abusive partner can convince others to question reality about their everyday lives, it makes the path to more significant, harmful behaviors clear and easy. It’s similar to testing the waters, in an attempt to determine just how much they can get away with before they’re discovered or not believed.

There are several forms that avoiding responsibility can take, and being able to recognize those methods can be crucial in stopping the patterns before they become too difficult to escape:

Recent research also indicates that another common motivating factor for gaslighting is the ambition to exert control over others. A gaslighter is addicted to control; they often try to bend even the smallest, most inconsequential factors to their will. Though it may seem pointless to others, it’s actually part of a well-honed process they use to slowly master controlling others; by the time you realize it’s been happening to you, chances are you will be in so deep it will feel impossible to get out.

Exerting control over others can take many forms, and for personal protection, it’s important to recognize what those can be:

Current research is clear that gaslighters exhibit common behavioral patterns—a key to potential victims that can help them recognize these patterns before escape has become difficult. Healing from an abusive, gaslighting relationship can take a lifetime, making it all the more crucial to help victims recognize the issues the minute they first occur. Sharpening this intuition could literally save your life.

References

Klein, W., Li, S., & Wood, S. (2023). A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 30(4), 1316–1340. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12510