"Failure to launch" refers to a situation where adult children struggle to achieve independence and establish themselves in the adult world. The story of Ethan below is an amalgam of situations where I have coached parents to better manage their struggling adult children.
Ethan is a 27-year-old man who has been living at home with his parents on and off since attending a semester of college at 18 years of age and not being able to sustain employment. Ethan has a history of significant social anxiety. He started using and prioritizing marijuana in high school, with his reasoning being, "It's the only thing that chills me out."
Ethan had twice begun therapy, only to stop after 2 to 3 sessions. Sadly, he has severed most social ties and spends most of his time in his room, playing video games, and often sleeping during the day. Ethan's parents feel frustrated and anxious that he remains in their house without a job. His rebuttal is "I don't want some jerk of a boss telling me what to do."
His parents felt sorry for Ethan and expressed to me the belief that he was unable to cope with life’s many challenges. Attempts to deny Ethan the ability to remain in their house had backfired when he became angry and distraught. In one instance, he had bordered on becoming physically aggressive, for which he later apologized. Ethan's parents feel trapped and believe their actions have only made things worse. Ethan expresses his disappointment with life and occasionally has made suicidal statements.
There can be various reasons for Ethan's plight and other young adults with similar struggles. It's important to note that each adult child's situation is unique. However, based on my coaching parents of struggling adult children for quite some time, three common reasons include:
1. Fear of Failure and Perfectionism:
Many struggling adult children may fear failure to the point of avoiding taking risks or making decisions. The pressure to be perfect can paralyze them, preventing them from taking the necessary steps towards independence. This fear can be instilled by a variety of factors, including societal expectations and parental pressures.
For these struggling adult children, their fear of failure stops them from learning what I believe are the two most important skills in life: 1) calming down and 2) problem-solving. These two life skills are so important because when you can regulate your emotions and begin to look for ways to deal with problems, you can let go of that misleading need for perfectionism.
2. Overparenting or Helicopter Parenting:
Parents who continue to overly intervene in their children's lives, making decisions for them and shielding them from challenges, can hinder their development of essential life skills. This can result in a lack of resilience and problem-solving abilities when faced with real-world challenges. Not every adult child who struggles has been overly indulged. At the same time, perhaps these examples below may seem familiar to you.
More often than not, I have seen way too many parents problematically say:
More empowering and collaborative responses from parents that imbue calming down and problem-solving are:
3. Lack of Financial Literacy
A lot of young adults who are adrift may not have a basic understanding of budgeting, saving, investing, or managing credit. Without these skills, they may struggle to handle their finances effectively, leading to financial dependence on their parents. I believe that we cannot have strong mental health without having strong financial health. By financial health, I do not mean wealth, but rather knowing the value of a dollar.
It's essential to recognize that these reasons are often interconnected, and individual cases may involve a combination of factors. Additionally, external factors such as economic conditions, job markets, and societal expectations can also play a role in a young adult's ability to launch successfully. Addressing these challenges may involve a combination of emotional support, education, and fostering independence in a supportive environment.
© Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
References
Asselmann, E., Beesdo-Baum, K. (2015). Predictors of the Course of Anxiety Disorders in Adolescents and Young Adults. Curr Psychiatry Rep 17, 7 https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-014-0543z
Covarrubias, R., Valle, I., Laiduc, G., & Azmitia, M. (2019). “You Never Become Fully Independent”: Family Roles and Independence in First-Generation College Students. Journal of Adolescent Research, 34(4), 381-410. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558418788402s
Lowe, K., & Arnett, J. J. (2020). Failure to Grow Up, Failure to Pay? Parents’ View of Conflict Over Money With Their Emerging Adults. Journal of Family Issues, 41(3), 359-382. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X19876061
The 3 Top Reasons Adult Children Fail To Launch
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24.12.2023
"Failure to launch" refers to a situation where adult children struggle to achieve independence and establish themselves in the adult world. The story of Ethan below is an amalgam of situations where I have coached parents to better manage their struggling adult children.
Ethan is a 27-year-old man who has been living at home with his parents on and off since attending a semester of college at 18 years of age and not being able to sustain employment. Ethan has a history of significant social anxiety. He started using and prioritizing marijuana in high school, with his reasoning being, "It's the only thing that chills me out."
Ethan had twice begun therapy, only to stop after 2 to 3 sessions. Sadly, he has severed most social ties and spends most of his time in his room, playing video games, and often sleeping during the day. Ethan's parents feel frustrated and anxious that he remains in their house without a job. His rebuttal is "I don't want some jerk of a boss telling me what to do."
His parents felt sorry for Ethan and expressed to me the belief that he was unable to cope with life’s many challenges. Attempts to deny Ethan the ability to remain in their house had backfired when he became angry........
© Psychology Today
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