A friend sends you an email to try to put a fight to rest. You can tell that they want to patch things up, but it’s not working. You can’t put a finger on why their message is so irritating. They’re saying all the right things, but they don’t sound human. They’re trying to sound like the person they wish they were. It’s like they’ve retreated into posturing at you.

Their note feels like a string of cliches, platitudes, and virtue signals. They tell you they never said that they’re perfect, that they’re open-minded, and always admit to mistakes. But they’re not admitting to anything, nor are they showing any signs of admitting any of your ideas into their thoughts.

Maybe that’s the problem. They’re not being real with you. They’re talking from their aspirational self. It’s a performance. They’re displaying a public front, their wannabe self. It feels like you’re talking to the cardboard cutout behind which they’ve retreated.

Maybe you’ve written an email like that, too. When writing it, you felt good about yourself. You were surprised that it didn’t have the effect you intended. Maybe that’s the reason. They want to talk to you, not your PR agent.

Now, if you’ve ever had to write a public apology, it might have been just what the PR department recommended. Check all the appropriate boxes. State as fact that you’re humble, open-minded, and apologetic. Put on the appropriate mask of contrition. Ask for forgiveness, but don’t say what for. Don’t call attention to your actual errors. Don’t show any real curiosity about your contribution to the problems. Just signal that you could, and are even though you aren’t. Chances are, folks will get distracted and move on to someone else’s public embarrassment.

One-on-one PR-face doesn’t work so well. It doesn’t address conflict or rebuild rapport. It can feel like a safe retreat to you, but it’s threatening to your opponent, you hiding behind a wannabe caricature.

What works instead? How can you put a conflict to rest without grandstanding about your virtue in ways that leave your opponent frustrated?

Don’t think you’re de-escalating an interpersonal fight by displaying your PR wannabe virtue-signaling cardboard persona: Again, it’ll make you feel better and virtuous, but it’s the opposite of a human connection.

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