Many times in my psychotherapy office, I hear clients complain that people don't seem to like them. They don’t have many friendships—and the ones they have aren’t very deep or meaningful.
In a previous post, I discussed three factors that can make you more likable: showing others that you care about them, extending empathy, and checking your arrogance level.
This post expands on that theme, offering three more practices that create a climate where people are more likely to feel comfortable with you. When I say “practices,” I mean we don't need to be perfect. Nobody is. These are lifetime orientations that can help us live in a more conscious, awake, and connected way.
We have no control over whether someone will find us likable—or whether they’ll want to be friends or a potential partner (if we’re looking). What we do have control over is how we relate to ourselves and others. Here’s how to do so in a way that makes us more engaging, interesting, and yes, likable.
We’ve often been told we must love ourselves before we can love anyone else. I’m all in for self-love, but it can sound abstract or too ambitious. What if we take it down a notch to something more attainable: liking ourselves?
Many of us don't like who we are. We find things to criticize about ourselves—picking at ourselves for our looks, our financial situation, a job that doesn't really satisfy. Regrets regarding a choice of career or marriage partner may weigh on us.
Carrying shame about ourselves keeps us contained in a small world. We’re reluctant to take risks or be authentic, fearful that people might see us the way we see ourselves (negatively)—and will reject us, thereby perpetuating a cycle of shame and despair.
Liking ourselves means being comfortable in our own body, accepting ourselves as we currently are. As psychologist Carl Rogers wisely said: “When I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change." The writer Oscar Wilde cleverly expressed a similar sentiment: "Be yourself: everyone else is taken."
Rather than trying to fix ourselves, our healing pathway is to find things we like about ourselves, perhaps our intelligence, our humor, our loyalty, our creativity, or our caring nature. It might help to list things you appreciate about yourself and stick that on your fridge, and keep it close to your heart.
Psychotherapists explain that oftentimes “unlearning” is a key to personal growth. This includes uncovering the early sources of dysfunctional beliefs and conditioned shame that warped our innocence, diminished our vitality, and kept us suppressed. It means being curious about how we came to feel badly about ourselves, perpetuated by the criticisms, shaming, and negative mirroring we received from caregivers. Unlearning negative self-views clears the slate to then discover who we really are.
Perhaps during quiet moments, you can glimpse what spiritual traditions refer to as our essence or essential nature. Psychologists often refer to this as our “inner child.” Beneath our conditioning and whatever injuries we’ve endured, there lies a being who is innocent, precious, and valuable.
As you come to know, appreciate, and value that being, you will like yourself more and more. And the more you like and appreciate yourself, perhaps even love yourself, the more attractive you’ll become to others.
Here’s a simple truth easily overlooked: the more we convey that we like a person, the more likely they are to like us. It’s an open secret that everyone wants to be liked and accepted.
Our brain’s negativity bias orients us to perceive what might be dangerous about people. We look for things we don't like about them or ways they might hurt us. We might adapt the defensive strategy of criticizing or rejecting people before they have a chance to reject us. This misguided strategy to try to stay safe keeps us isolated.
Do you notice that old hurts and resentments are leaking out toward people you’d like to be closer to? Perhaps without realizing it, you sometimes steamroll over people’s sensitivities and vulnerabilities. Or you become so absorbed in your own thoughts or judgments that you’re not really paying attention to them. You're not present.
Resentments and defensiveness usually spring from our storehouse of old hurts and unmet needs. To the extent that critical, shaming, or snarky comments leap out toward people, they're likely to recoil.
A corrective for this self-defeating programming is to notice what’s positive about people. You might notice unsavory qualities, but remember that nobody is perfect, including you! You’d probably appreciate people focusing more on your good qualities than your flaws, right? Can you extend the same generosity to others?
Through your kind glance, warm smile, thoughtful words, and accepting attitude toward someone, you convey that you’re a kind and caring person.
We’re all socially awkward at times. We may say dumb things when we’re anxious meeting someone new. We may try too hard to please others or be liked.
Maybe someone makes a clumsy attempt at a joke, tries to appear clever, or voices a viewpoint we don't share. Is it ok to allow for some differences? Rather than judge them, can we give them space to think differently than us or be imperfect?
The more you cultivate gentleness and loving-kindness toward yourself—the more resourced you are—the better positioned you are to see people’s goodness and extend kindness toward them. And the more confident you are to set boundaries and take care of yourself if they do or say something hurtful or objectionable. If things don’t seem resolvable, you’re free to move on, learning lessons and finding refuge within yourself, as discussed my book, The Authentic Heart.
Life goes better with warm, safe connections. The more you like yourself and are comfortable being yourself, the more people will be drawn toward you.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
© John Amodeo.
References
Amodeo, J. (2001), The Authentic Heart. New York: Wiley.
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