The term emotional labor, when applied to relationships, can be about all the things done in an emotional or mental capacity in the relationship. As a couples therapist, it’s something that comes up frequently in sessions but often the client doesn’t have a label for what they are experiencing.

Some examples include:

This becomes an issue in therapy when things feel unbalanced. I hear, “I feel like I’m the only one doing this” or, “I am putting in way more work than you." Often this work goes unnoticed by the other partner because it isn’t physical labor or something one can tangibly see happening. The partner not sharing the load may also minimize the amount of work it is if they haven’t had to take on the majority of that work before. Couples then often get stuck in a pattern of one-upping in which they keep listing the things they do and take care of. I often have to remind them to reflect on what they are hearing before they respond.

Research (Mary 2018) reveals that women often shoulder more of the burden of emotional labor in heterosexual relationships. Fay (2011) found that women often feel more exhausted by their emotional labor. I do notice this as a trend among the heterosexual couples I see. Women may be better at noticing these things and taking on the role—or it may be a societal expectation that women try to live up to.

The research also found that those who engage in more emotional labor than their partners experience more mental health difficulties: They report higher levels of stress and elevated rates of depression and anxiety. Taking on more of the mental load can leave a partner feeling more exhausted emotionally and more sensitive to outside stressors.

The research also found that relationships had higher satisfaction when partners shared the emotional labor; they reported less conflict, better communication, and more intimacy. I find it is helpful for couples to express their feelings and needs as well as expectations about the roles they take on. Couples that talk about these concerns are less likely to fall into patterns in which one person feels burnt out from taking on too much. Many evidence-based couples researchers theorists have found that open communication is a vital element of happy relationships, including John Gottman and Sue Johnson.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

References

Gender Differences In Emotional Labor Fay 2011

Mary E. Guy & Aisha Azhar (2018) Emotional Labor Meanings, Gender, and Culture: A Comparative Assessment, Administrative Theory & Praxis, 40:4, 289-303, DOI: 10.1080/10841806.2018.1485452

"The Emotional Labor of Home" by Emily Martin