Earlier this month, I posted an article about the negative effects of conditional love and have since received many requests for ways to heal and work through this.
Many live with the effects of unconditional love daily, manifesting as poor self-esteem and difficulty or even an inability to form healthy relationships. The effects of this particular form of trauma lead many to question whether or not they will ever be able to heal and move forward.
Unfortunately, there is often a great deal of time spent working through the shame and grief that accompanies childhood trauma, and this can be painful. Society often blames survivors for not only their experiences but also for the behaviors they engage in to heal and survive. The person on the street using substances to survive the horrors in their past or the child who turns to crime and acts tough likely does this as a defense mechanism.
We never know what someone has been through to get them where they are. Dealing with this shame and the victim-blaming messages is an all-too-real experience for many survivors of conditional love. Those of us who were abandoned for breaking unwritten rules carry this burden with us, feeling defective and flawed. The good news is there are things we can do to break some of these negative patterns.
Healing From Unconditional Love
Healing often involves a combination of acknowledging your history and doing some reparenting work for that part of you that feels unloved—and likely still feels unhealed.
Acknowledging one’s history of inadequate or insufficient caregiver support involves more than just admitting that it happened. It involves taking a deeper look at how your past affected you and what deficits or “needs” you might have due to it.
Having needs is considered shameful and often met with resistance in our culture, with statements like “They’re so needy” or “She clearly has daddy issues” frequently coming from the mouths of people who do not understand this experience. However, having emotional needs is a normal part of healing from trauma. When you acknowledge those areas for improvement, you can begin the process of healing.
Next, it is important to begin recognizing the parts of you that come up that are trying to protect you from your experiences. Do you struggle to get close to others, sometimes coming across as standoffish or cold? Are you seen as someone who is always in a relationship? This is likely your defenses stepping in to protect you.
Avoiding people, to your inner child, is the best way to avoid getting hurt. Similarly, those who act desperate for love and affection are also trying to fill that void of love, like an empty hole that can never be filled. Anyone is better than the feelings that come from loneliness, which reinforces your sense of being flawed and unlovable.
Visual imagery is a great tool for healing from trauma, especially those that were experienced in our family of origin. While it won’t eliminate the experience, it can begin the process of reprogramming the brain to feel safe and secure. Most of my clients are survivors of abandonment and other forms of childhood trauma.
I often give this exercise as a way of helping to heal that inner child who was insufficiently loved when needed:
Take a moment for yourself where you have some privacy, either alone in your bedroom or office. Someplace where you won’t be interrupted for a while. Close your eyes, and imagine your protector: someone who is there for you when you need it, during times when you can’t share with anyone what is inside your head.
This protector can be real or imaginary, any character or individual who emulates all of the protective qualities you need in a protector. Some people imagine a grandparent, godparent, or uncle—others imagine a DND character or a superhero or television character. It might be your higher power or someone who passed away and now watches over you. There is no right or wrong answer.
When you are stressed, angry, sad, or feeling any uncomfortable or distressing feeling, picture them coming to you, providing whatever you need to feel protected and supported. For some, this might be a hug. For others, their positioning themselves in between you and the distressing event can feel like protection. Some may need words of reassurance: “It is not your fault,” they will say to you, “You will get through this.” They give you the unconditional love and support that you needed during childhood but never got.
The great thing about this protector is that you can use them any time, whenever you need them, during any difficult or stressful time. You can even do this exercise in your mind when others are around if you feel comfortable doing so.
This post is excerpted, in part, from my book, Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.
If you are struggling with the effects of trauma, seek support from a licensed mental health therapist. Visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory to find a therapist near you.
References
Clark, I. A., & Mackay, C. E. (2015). Mental imagery and post-traumatic stress disorder: A neuroimaging and experimental psychopathology approach to intrusive memories of trauma. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 6, Article 104.
D. B. Smith (2018) Dr. Andreas Laurencius, MD, Power of the Mind 1: The Science of Visualization. Health, Meditation, Science, Visualization
How to Heal From the Effects of Conditional Love
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24.01.2024
Earlier this month, I posted an article about the negative effects of conditional love and have since received many requests for ways to heal and work through this.
Many live with the effects of unconditional love daily, manifesting as poor self-esteem and difficulty or even an inability to form healthy relationships. The effects of this particular form of trauma lead many to question whether or not they will ever be able to heal and move forward.
Unfortunately, there is often a great deal of time spent working through the shame and grief that accompanies childhood trauma, and this can be painful. Society often blames survivors for not only their experiences but also for the behaviors they engage in to heal and survive. The person on the street using substances to survive the horrors in their past or the child who turns to crime and acts tough likely does this as a defense mechanism.
We never know what someone has been through to get them where they are. Dealing with this shame and the victim-blaming messages is an all-too-real experience for many survivors of conditional love. Those of us who were abandoned for breaking unwritten rules carry this burden with us, feeling defective and flawed. The good news is there are things we can do to break some of these negative........
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