"But did he hit you?" I heard the courtroom official ask my client before pausing for a response.
With that one question, he dismissed all of her experiences of psychological abuse at the hands of her merciless ex-husband. Her ex's lawyer took her answer of "no" and used it to dismiss her protection order against him—the only thing that had kept her feeling even somewhat safe over the past six months.
In our society, people tend to view physical abuse as worse than emotional, psychological, or other forms of non-physical abuse. Imagine how ridiculous it would sound if the reverse were true, and victims were asked: "But did they call you names or try to humiliate you?" after they showed bruises and bloody lips. We would find that statement laughably dismissive. Yet it is used daily by law enforcement, court officials, and even health care professionals trying to assess the "severity" of domestic abuse in relationships and families.
Survivors of non-physical abuse often report their caregivers saying things that minimize their experiences and pain such as, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” in response to their tears. The message teaches children that only physical abuse is worth crying about. This attitude, that whatever already upset them isn’t “bad enough,” reinforces the victim's excuse-making: minimizing, denying or even gaslighting themselves to stay in pre-awareness. For victims who experience this form of trauma, I have found the harmful effects of psychological abuse can be just as detrimental, or even worse. As a therapist, my goal is never to minimize any type of abuse or quantify it in any way, but rather to highlight the isolation and invisibility that many survivors feel when their experiences are dismissed with phrases such as "but at least you were never hit."
Trauma is trauma, and all of it has consequences, but non-physical traumas are just as real. As a clinician, I find that non-physical abuse that takes place during a child’s developmental years comes with additional complications.
Pete Walker, licensed psychotherapist and pioneer in the field of psychology and childhood trauma, suffered abuse as a child, inspiring him, like so many, into the mental health care profession. His reaction to his own physical and non-physical abuse as a child echoed the sentiments I hear from many psychological abuse survivors: gratitude for physical abuse because at least it proved beyond a doubt, to himself and others, that it was real. As a survivor of psychological abuse in my own family of origin, I have made similar statements, wondering out loud if experiencing physical abuse would have been easier for me to acknowledge.
Often my clients who have suffered emotional or psychological trauma struggle to justify calling themselves “abuse survivors” without the bruises or broken bones to “prove” it. Through Walker’s experiences, studies, and treatment of patients, he learned that psychological and emotional abuse could be even more detrimental to a victim’s health than physical beatings.
Physical abuse causes a reaction, as it should. People see bruises or marks, bring them up, and may even report them, making them more likely to be stopped. The effects of emotional and psychological abuse are often invisible. I notice this invisibility almost weekly with clients, whose statements such as "but I was never hit," echo these sentiments as if to say, "It could have been worse."
According to Lane Strathearn, psychiatrist and lead researcher on a 2020 University of Iowa study in children, psychological abuse causes the most long-term damage to kids, despite it being the least likely to get reported to authorities such as social services. The study found “psychological maltreatment (emotional abuse and/or neglect) was associated with the greatest number of adverse outcomes in almost all areas of assessment [compared to other forms of abuse like physical and sexual]” (Strathearn, 2020).
Without broken bones, observers are free to judge whether or not abuse is occurring. Any recognition will always come with some measure of doubt, both by the victim and everyone they encounter. The situation is “open to interpretation” by anyone who witnesses it, over and over again, throughout the survivors’ lives. This leads to internal gaslighting of victims, who dismiss their experiences with self-blame, denial, and other excuses.
The dismissal of non-physical abuse as "not as bad" as physical violence perpetuates harmful stereotypes about what constitutes "real" abuse. This mindset undermines the experiences of survivors who may never have been physically harmed but have endured years of emotional torment and manipulation. It creates a hierarchy of suffering that fails to acknowledge the complex and multifaceted nature of abuse. Survivors may find themselves questioning the validity of their own pain, wondering if they have the right to seek help or support when their scars are invisible to the naked eye. This societal minimization of non-physical abuse can have far-reaching consequences, perpetuating cycles of violence and preventing survivors from accessing the resources and support they desperately need.
If you believe you need support due to trauma or abuse, seek the support of a licensed mental health therapist. Search the Psychology Today directory for a therapist who specializes in all areas of relationship and family violence.
Excerpted, in part, from my book Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.
References
Strathearn, L., et al. “Long-term Cognitive, Psychological, and Health Outcomes Associated With Child Abuse and Neglect.” Pediatrics. Oct 2020. Web. Accessed Feb 24, 2023. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32943535/.
Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote. 2014. Print.
Why Do We Dismiss Non-physical Trauma?
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16.04.2024
"But did he hit you?" I heard the courtroom official ask my client before pausing for a response.
With that one question, he dismissed all of her experiences of psychological abuse at the hands of her merciless ex-husband. Her ex's lawyer took her answer of "no" and used it to dismiss her protection order against him—the only thing that had kept her feeling even somewhat safe over the past six months.
In our society, people tend to view physical abuse as worse than emotional, psychological, or other forms of non-physical abuse. Imagine how ridiculous it would sound if the reverse were true, and victims were asked: "But did they call you names or try to humiliate you?" after they showed bruises and bloody lips. We would find that statement laughably dismissive. Yet it is used daily by law enforcement, court officials, and even health care professionals trying to assess the "severity" of domestic abuse in relationships and families.
Survivors of non-physical abuse often report their caregivers saying things that minimize their experiences and pain such as, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” in response to their tears. The message teaches children that only physical abuse is worth crying about. This attitude, that whatever already upset them isn’t “bad enough,” reinforces the victim's excuse-making: minimizing, denying or even gaslighting themselves to stay in pre-awareness. For victims who experience........
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