Most of us find ourselves in survival mode after the death of a loved one. We often lapse into a state of shock to bear the pain of it all.
Having not fully accepted what had happened, I could give my daughter's eulogy. The shock began to wear off shortly afterward, and reality set in. I entered what the ancients called "the dark night of the soul," a time of inescapably excruciating sorrow.
The days, weeks, and months we spend searching for the strength to survive the loss of a beloved parent, grandparent, spouse, child, family member, or friend are as unsettling and sorrowful as anything we have ever experienced. Trying to figure out if and how we're going to survive, we go from the surreal ("This couldn't have really happened") to the all-too-real ("Oh my God, it really did happen!) and try to make sense of it all.
Too often in our grief-illiterate world, the people around us try to help us figure it out. To take away our pain, they say and do things like giving unsolicited advice, invoking religious and positive-think cliché, telling us how we should think and what we should feel, sending us unhelpful messages disguised as questions, and making inappropriate suggestions that leave us feeling even more heartsick and alone.
Here are four of the most important things to remember when we have suffered a loss:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
By keeping the hand of patience, support, permission, encouragement, faith, trust, self-compassion, and humility on our hearts and taking the foot of impatience, self-condemnation, criticism, judgment, fear, and pressure off our throats, we begin to clear the path forward. By learning to accept that we are a work in progress and giving ourselves the care and support we need to begin healing, we start to move forward on that path.
2. There's No Shame in Being Brokenhearted
Some of us begin to fear we're so messed up that we're going to lose the world. We've lost someone we love and don't know how we're going to go on without them. Our life as we knew it has changed forever. How could we not feel messed up? I tell people who ask how I'm doing that "I walk with a limp in my heart." It's OK that you're not OK.
3. Hope Loves Company
Spending time in the company of those who have suffered comparable pain makes us feel understood, supported, and hopeful that we'll be able to fight our way back into life. Understanding what people go through after a loss as they try to adjust to a new normal helps us summon the strength, courage, faith, and patience we need to go on.
4. Find Ways to Honor Your Loved One in the Way You Go On
By surviving their death, doing something good in their name, cultivating a spiritual relationship with them, expressing the love that never dies, embodying one of their essential qualities, writing new chapters and making new memories, taking the high road, balancing out sorrow with joy and gratitude and keeping our hands on our heart, we honor them.
There is no cookie-cutter formula for going on in our own lives after the loss of a loved one. Nor is there a cure for the sorrow. Finding our way forward requires showing ourselves great patience, faith, courage, understanding, and kindness. Surrounding ourselves with the love and support of trusted confidants willing to stand with, rather than fix, us on this unwelcome journey can be immeasurably helpful. And summoning the courage to write new chapters of life that would have them cheering us on, we find the strength and purpose to continue living our own lives.
Healing Your Life After the Loss of a Loved One
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01.05.2024
Most of us find ourselves in survival mode after the death of a loved one. We often lapse into a state of shock to bear the pain of it all.
Having not fully accepted what had happened, I could give my daughter's eulogy. The shock began to wear off shortly afterward, and reality set in. I entered what the ancients called "the dark night of the soul," a time of inescapably excruciating sorrow.
The days, weeks, and months we spend searching for the strength to survive the loss of a beloved parent, grandparent, spouse, child, family member, or friend are as unsettling and sorrowful as anything we have ever experienced. Trying to figure out if and how we're going to survive, we go from the surreal ("This couldn't have really happened") to the all-too-real ("Oh my God, it really did happen!) and try to make sense of it all.
Too often in our grief-illiterate world, the people around us........
© Psychology Today
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