“We all have core values whether we’re aware of them or not,” write Lisa Congdon and Andreea Niculescu in the booklet accompanying The Live Your Values Deck. “They’re the values that remain with us for most of our lives.”
Research tells us that when we live a life guided by an awareness of what matters most to us, the authors note, we exhibit lower stress, better attention to our health, decision-making, problem solving as well as enhanced persistence.1 In my book Overcoming Passive Aggression, about hidden anger, better health, and happiness, my co-author and I advise: “Operate within your values, recognizing that no one makes you do or say anything. Your behavior is your choice.”2
We may not think of this topic often, yet when celebrities fall from grace, people stun us with their actions, as well as in a year we exercise our right to vote, values get called into play.
One of the reasons people seek individual therapy or pastoral counseling is to discern a direction, make a decision, or weigh the benefits or risks of certain choices. For couples, especially those who come from two different family value systems, it can be especially hard.
Values represent beliefs, ethics, priorities, and worldviews. Like feelings, they merely exist and ought not to be overanalyzed except to yield better understanding. To use a nautical metaphor, values are the beacons sent from a lighthouse that show us the way. Principles, a close cousin of values, describe rules, standards, and certain truths. Both principles and values direct us and guide our actions.3
Our values usually stem from the roots our families of origin provided. Parents typically hope that some, perhaps not all, of what they taught children sticks with them as a foundation for life by the time they launch into adulthood.
As we age, thinking through and understanding what we value helps us to outline priorities, triage problems, and reconcile our desires against needs, especially as we discern choices. Either a choice remains congruent with our deeply held beliefs or it’s in conflict and opposed.
Those who don’t put much stock in values might say there’s a benefit to being free, flexible in how one lives. It’s indeed a viable perspective, yet one that could create more chaos and confusion in times when you need to be stable and resolute.
Tom Brokaw dubbed many of our parents or grandparents "The Greatest Generation," shaped by the Great Depression and World War II. I believe I can directly trace my frugality and thrift to how I was raised; the same goes for work ethic, moderation, resilience, and respect for democracy and our country.
With the 1970s as my formative backdrop, the values of equality (as in civil and women’s rights movements), non-conformity, independence, creativity, and education framed who I became. In my last year with Barbies, I imagined being a reporter amid televised Senate Watergate hearings. No doubt that curiosity, as a value, spawned an interest in current events, politics, and my writing.
Children, teenagers, and young adults may be the first to complain about what parents use as guideposts. Common family values include honesty (the truth matters), family time (remember your roots and those who raised you), perseverance (quitting is easy but strength comes from figuring it out), and respect for one’s elders (empathy for what they went through raising you).
If we hear the phrases, “Oh, Mom” or “Oh, Dad,” there’s a collective understanding among parents. We’ve all felt that pushback, the verbal and non-verbal reprimand about who we are and what we’re about. While this is more developmentally accurate the younger you are due to differentiating oneself, it’s also reasonable that adult children appreciate parents and grandparents, for doing so shows the values of openness, inclusiveness, and respect.
During the pandemic, I adapted two of my own values card sorts for use with coaching and therapy. Clients used these to discern important values in their career, personal life, and relationships. Since cognitive-behavioral therapy often affords homework, a values sort helps those unsure of their next directions and decisions.
Young people often have a vague idea of their values because it takes life experience, years lived, and a well-differentiated self. Some values change, especially when priorities shift. Think wake-up calls, come-to-Jesus moments, health scares, or brushes with death. Loss can set you back a few pegs.
We often find that those with openness also value inclusivity, honesty, assertiveness, and self-expression; they also tend to be self-aware with good self-respect and respect for others. Genuine people may have strong values for collaboration, generosity, empathy, forgiveness, and humility.
While industry, career success, risk-taking, or creating a legacy are all valid values, when they are overstated by those with less openness, empathy, and collaboration, we may see concern; e.g., the person who values themselves too highly, and whose value system inflicts harm, whether intended or unintentional. This might not be the person we hang out with, hire, or for whom we cast our votes.
If you’re in counseling and believe that a values card sort would be helpful, ask your therapist if they would be open to trying this approach. Books abound on the topic as well, including Our Endangered Values by former President Jimmy Carter.4
People who sit on the fence often seem paralyzed as they’re called upon to make choices. And when tides change and breezes become storms, as they surely will, those who have discerned their values to live their lives accordingly, generally fare better.
In fact, identify times when you were happy, feeling content, successful, proud of your life and accomplishments, and stood up for or supported something of meaning. Very often you will find that core values got you to that place.
Copyright © 2024 by Loriann Oberlin, MS
References
1. Congdon, L. and Niculescu, A. The Live Your Values Deck (New York: Chronicle Books, 2021).
2. Murphy, T. and Oberlin, L.H. Overcoming Passive Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness (New York: Hachette/DaCapo Press, 2016).
4. Carter, J. Our Endangered Values: America’s Moral Crisis (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2005).
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