At various times in our lives, we will inevitably say and do things that disappoint or hurt someone else. There are naturally times when we want to ask forgiveness of others and apologize to them for our unkind or thoughtless words or actions. In the best of circumstances, apologies have the effect of repairing and maintaining our relationships.
Apologizing to someone communicates the value we have for that person and the value we place on our relationship with them. Not surprisingly, when we communicate our sincere remorse for our words or actions, the person we have offended is less likely to maintain their anger towards us and is more likely to forgive our actions. Your children can benefit from your guidance and encouragement as they begin to learn how to apologize for things they regret doing.
It’s worth understanding why people may sometimes be reluctant to provide an apology, even if their behavior merits one. Here are a few of the most likely reasons for their hesitancy.
Perhaps the biggest reason we don't apologize has to do with the lack of connection we may feel to the person we may have hurt or disappointed. When we feel less invested in certain people, we are more likely to mistreat them and less likely to feel badly about hurting them. The impact, even to ourselves, is more short-lived. We may not expect to see them again, or at least rarely, so there is no risk of destroying a long-standing friendship. We have less empathy. Often, the motivation for an apology is to restore a damaged relationship, but if there's little to no relationship between the two individuals, there is little to no reason to make oneself feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, which is what happens when we apologize sincerely. So when we don't care enough about someone we hurt, it doesn’t feel as necessary to apologize to them.
When we hurt or offend someone we know better and with whom we have some kind of relationship, the motivating factor for apologizing is often a desire to repair the relationship. However, acknowledging we have done something that has hurt someone we care about can be difficult. The closer we are to the victim, the more it may upset us to realize that we have acted or behaved in a way that conflicts with our sense of self as a good and moral person. The drive to feel positively about ourselves is threatened when we apologize, because it acknowledges our mistake. Apologizing suggests that we are not as good as we would like to be. Thus, to be more internally at peace with our actions, we may sometimes convince ourselves that those we have hurt were actually to blame for our actions. We may rationalize what we said or did by minimizing the impact of our words or deeds. This kind of self-talk enables us to imagine that our actions were right or reasonable. And if they were reasonable, then there is no need for an apology.
A third reason for failing to apologize, even when we can acknowledge our wrongdoing, is if we believe that there will be little positive outcome from our apology. In other words, if the effort on our part is going to be considerable, but we believe it will do little to repair the relationship, we are less likely to apologize. The question of whether our effort will pay off is a phenomenon that enters many of our decision-making actions. If we believe our actions will be emotionally taxing and may not reap any benefits, we are less likely to engage in them. It’s a pragmatic decision that most of us make in our lives — not to waste energy that we are pretty sure won’t yield positive results. Not surprisingly, we often overestimate the negative toll that apologizing will take on us and we underestimate its benefits. Anyone who has made the effort to apologize knows how good it can feel to be appreciated for apologizing.
The first step is to express regret. Don't beat around the bush. Just say, “I’m sorry” or “I want to apologize for “X.”
Deliver the apology with a tone that is genuine and sincere.
Take responsibility for your actions without excuses. Explain clearly how you understand that your behavior was offensive. This will help the person feel that your remorse is genuine. (It’s worth noting that this point is fundamental for helping your children develop and express empathy towards those they have wronged.)
Do say you'll try never to do it again. But be sure to think about what prompted you to do what you did so that you can take appropriate actions not to make the same mistake in the future.
Is there something you can do to fix the situation? Did you damage something that you could offer to repair or replace? Is there some other way you can make up for your hurtful actions?
Ask for forgiveness, but don't let receiving it be your main reason for apologizing. Just as some of us never apologize despite feeling guilty for what we did, some rarely acknowledge apologies. You may also need to remind your children that while they may be ready to apologize for their actions, the person they hurt may not be prepared to accept their apology. Help your children learn to be gracious by allowing the person they hurt to process their apology before fully accepting it. At the end of the day, remind them “It’s not about you; it’s about the other person.” If the other person does openly acknowledge their apology and offers to forgive them, that is icing on the cake, but it shouldn't be their expectation.
For a template to assist your child in crafting a heartfelt apology following the steps above, click here.
Apologies: Why People Don’t Always Give or Get Them
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16.04.2024
At various times in our lives, we will inevitably say and do things that disappoint or hurt someone else. There are naturally times when we want to ask forgiveness of others and apologize to them for our unkind or thoughtless words or actions. In the best of circumstances, apologies have the effect of repairing and maintaining our relationships.
Apologizing to someone communicates the value we have for that person and the value we place on our relationship with them. Not surprisingly, when we communicate our sincere remorse for our words or actions, the person we have offended is less likely to maintain their anger towards us and is more likely to forgive our actions. Your children can benefit from your guidance and encouragement as they begin to learn how to apologize for things they regret doing.
It’s worth understanding why people may sometimes be reluctant to provide an apology, even if their behavior merits one. Here are a few of the most likely reasons for their hesitancy.
Perhaps the biggest reason we don't apologize has to do with the lack of connection we may feel to the person we may have hurt or disappointed. When we feel less invested in certain people, we are more likely to mistreat them and less likely to feel badly about hurting them. The impact, even to ourselves, is more short-lived. We may not expect to see them again, or at least rarely, so there is........
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