Today, while browsing videos on my phone, I came across a striking one from Norwich City Football Club titled “Check in on those around you.” The video depicts two men enjoying soccer matches together, but by the end, one man is notably absent.
The twist is that the man who disappears is the one you least expect, suggesting he died by suicide. This unexpected turn serves as a moving reminder of how hard it can be to notice someone’s struggles.
In a world dominated by social media, where people often share only the highlights of their lives, there’s a heightened pressure to maintain a perfect facade. This not only skews our perception of true well-being but also cultivates a culture where genuine emotional sharing is overlooked in favor of appearing “okay.” As a result, people can end up feeling more isolated, lonely, and ashamed, deepening their sense of disconnection.
Central to this discussion is the tendency of people to display a facade of happiness and success, regardless of their actual feelings. This disparity between one’s external presentation and internal feelings is referred to as “dissonance” (Festinger, 1957).
Dissonance is a complex interplay of thoughts and behaviors in which individuals go to great lengths to maintain an appearance of having everything under control. This can include always wearing a smile, selectively sharing only the high points on social media, or never talking about personal challenges.
There are many reasons why individuals may feel compelled to hide their true feelings. Societal expectations play a significant role, as does the stigma still associated with mental health issues. They might fear judgment, rejection, or being seen as weak, which can drive them to hide their true emotions and experiences.
Additionally, as noted, the impact of social media—often a highlight of great experiences, exacerbates this issue, creating unrealistic benchmarks. Research has shown that societal pressure to be happy and not sad is actually linked to poor well-being (Dejonckheere et al., 2022).
When experiencing dissonance, individuals can adopt “defense mechanisms” such as avoiding, delegitimizing, or limiting the impact of the meaning of an experience (Gillespie, 2020). However, in doing so, they suppress their true thoughts and feelings and try to be “okay” to avoid burdening others, to conform to societal norms, or to attempt to avoid their true feelings.
This behavior can lead to a host of issues, including worsening anxiety, deeper depression, chronic stress, and an erosion of self-esteem, as they may internalize the inconsistency between their reality and developed persona. This results in feelings of disconnection from others and their authentic selves.
Embracing and practicing authenticity and openness about one’s feelings can be a powerful step toward emotional well-being. Being authentic allows for genuine connections with others, breaking down the barriers of isolation and enabling a network of support and understanding.
It’s essential to remember that “it’s okay” not to be okay and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Even with social media, research has shown a causal relationship between authentic posting and positive affect and mood (Bailey et al., 2020). Expressing the authentic self not only promotes individual well-being but also contributes to a culture where mental health is prioritized and vulnerability is viewed as a cornerstone of strength and growth.
Tips to support others:
Tips to support yourself:
Helping bridge the gap between how we appear and feel is vital to building a more compassionate and authentic society. By listening without judgment, normalizing conversations about mental health, encouraging professional help, offering resources, and being patient, we can support those around us and ourselves in addressing the complexities of emotional well-being. Together, we can create a community where everyone feels safe showing their true selves, developing a culture of understanding, support, and genuine connection.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling 988, or the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.
To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Bailey, E.R., Matz, S.C., Youyou, W., & Iyengar, S.S. (2020). Authentic self-expression on social media is associated with greater subjective well-being. Nature Communications, 11, 4889. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-020-18539-w
Dejonckheere, E., Rhee, J.J., Baguma, P.K. et al. (2022). Perceiving societal pressure to be happy is linked to poor well-being, especially in happy nations. Scientific Reports, 12, 1514. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-021-04262-z
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Gillespie, A. (2020). Disruption, Self-Presentation, and Defensive Tactics at the Threshold of Learning. Review of General Psychology, 24, 382-396. https://doi.org/10.1177/1089268020914258
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