When you’re in an unhealthy relationship you often sacrifice little pieces of yourself along the way each day until you barely recognize yourself. It is an insidious process that wears away at your self-esteem, intuition, and self-trust over time. This is not just a relationship in which you were incompatible with your partner, it’s a relationship that caused you to compromise parts of yourself to maintain it.
It takes a lot of courage and honesty with yourself to finally decide to end an unhealthy relationship. When you initially take this step, you may feel relief. But then as the reality sets in, you may find yourself having a very difficult time moving on after the relationship ends. This might confuse you, especially since these sorts of relationships often cause a lot of pain and suffering over time. You may wonder, “Shouldn’t I be happy? Shouldn’t I feel free?” If you’re struggling with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, consider whether any of these reasons may be playing a role:
1. You became addicted to the highs and lows of your last relationship
Unhealthy romantic relationships often have a similar dynamic to gambling and addiction. There is usually an element of intermittent reinforcement, during which you are experiencing a relationship high and getting along well, only for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you when you hit a relationship low.
You have no idea when the next relationship high will occur, so it feels special when it does and this can keep you in a constant loop of feeling dependent on the next relationship high for a mood boost. The adrenaline rush you experience as a result of these highs and lows may be perceived as “passion” and strong chemistry. But the reality is that when this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship is done, rather than feeling relief you may be experiencing withdrawal symptoms and craving your next “hit.”
If you have attempted to date following your last relationship and frequently feel bored or as if there is “no spark,” you may be struggling with adjusting to a stable relationship that doesn’t feel like a rollercoaster.
2. Trying to move on is activating a deeper wound from your past
For many, having difficulty moving on from unhealthy relationships may be a reflection of deeper wounds that have yet to heal. Whether rooted in past heartbreaks or painful experiences from childhood, unhealthy relationships can serve as a haunting reminder of your own pain.
If you’re having difficulty moving on after an unhealthy relationship ended, this may be a sign that you are trying to heal a wound from the past by repeating the same dynamic and holding onto hope that things will finally be different this time around when you get back together.
A phenomenon known as repetition compulsion refers to the unconscious tendency to re-enact emotionally painful situations from the past. Repetition compulsion may be one of the reasons you find yourself drawn to partners that mirror the relationship dynamics you experienced in early childhood.
If your partner reminded you of one of your parents or caregivers growing up, it may bring up all the pain from that attachment wound when the relationship dissolves.
3. Your confidence and self-worth have been deeply impacted
Unhealthy relationships often cause us to question and doubt ourselves. If you did not feel accepted by your partner but instead judged or belittled, this can wear away at your confidence over time until you become more and more disconnected with yourself.
Unhealthy relationships typically erode your self-esteem over time, and as a result you may have been conditioned to rely on your partner for validation and approval. Breaking free from this dynamic forces you to confront your own vulnerabilities and the underlying beliefs you have about yourself.
Since this is often a painful and anxiety provoking process, you may find yourself either clinging strongly to a fantasy of getting back together with your ex or attempting to find comfort in someone else at the expense of yourself.
4. You’re stuck in a constant loop of blaming yourself for the demise of the relationship
In an unhealthy relationship, you may be unfairly blamed for everything that happened. If you were on the receiving end of this, you have become conditioned over time to take responsibility for the other person’s actions.
As a result, you may struggle with guilt or a nagging “what if” feeling that if you had just tried harder, the relationship wouldn’t have ended, which can keep you holding onto hope of reconciliation and prolong the healing process.
5. You are holding onto a fantasy of your relationship, rather than seeing it for what it was
If you’re having a difficult time moving on from your last relationship, it is not uncommon to primarily focus on the positive memories, while dismissing or minimizing the painful ones. This tendency to minimize the painful aspects of a prior relationship is particularly relevant for those who were in an unhealthy relationship, since there is often a frequent state of cognitive dissonance and conflicted feelings that are being buried over time in order to maintain the relationship. This can make it difficult for you to see your ex and the relationship from a realistic perspective, which ultimately inhibits your ability to move on.
6. You have become distant from your friends or family
If you’ve been involved in an unhealthy relationship before, chances are people who care about you (if they were aware of what was going on) expressed concern. If those concerns weren’t addressed, this might have created a rift between you and your friends or family.
Additionally, in unhealthy relationships there are often emotionally abusive dynamics present in which one partner tries to isolate their partner from others outside of the relationship in an effort to maintain control.
If you feel that you have become isolated from your support system as a result of your previous relationship, it may feel even more difficult to move on.
7. You’ve lost your sense of self
Over time, unhealthy relationships can diminish your sense of self and create a significant contrast between who you are and who you’re expected to be.
Being in an unhealthy relationship is incredibly draining and you may have spent so much time and energy suppressing your own needs and desires in order to maintain the relationship that you have lost touch with your own needs, interests, and desires. Once an unhealthy relationship ends, you may feel as if you’ve lost a part of yourself, and the fear of rediscovering who you are outside of this relationship can feel overwhelming.
8. Uncertainty may feel more daunting to you than familiarity, even if it causes you pain
Allowing yourself to fully process your grief and move on from an unhealthy relationship means stepping into the unknown and facing uncertainty about your future. This can be a daunting prospect that keeps you tethered to what feels familiar, even if it causes you pain.
9. You are either still in contact with your ex and/or keeping tabs on them through social media
It’s difficult for most people to interact with their ex following a break-up. However, if the relationship was unhealthy, it can be even more disruptive to your mental health and the progress you’ve been making after the break-up.
If your ex was manipulative, controlling, or dismissive and you’re still in contact with them or following them on social media, they may try to re-engage you in unhealthy relationship dynamics. If you’re in a vulnerable state of mind, it can be a painful reminder of the relationship you had, while at the same time making you maintain false hope that you could one day reconcile. Ultimately, keeping in contact with your ex or interacting with them on social media can reverse any progress you feel like you’re making post-breakup.
10. Your ability to trust yourself and others has been strongly impacted
For many, the trauma of an unhealthy relationship can cause them to close themselves off to future relationships or the possibility of really letting someone in. When an unhealthy relationship causes you to question everything about yourself, you may have difficulty trusting yourself and others following the break-up. As a result, you may have your guard up so high that it’s difficult to make authentic connections with others.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with questions regarding your condition or well-being.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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