Incels are often associated with violent acts of misogyny or depicted as pathetic targets of humor. Having treated a number of self-described incels who had been convicted of sex crimes, I’d like to offer a take on what incels and those of us who care about them can do to prevent their ending up on a sex-offender registry.
Most of us know that incel refers to those who are “involuntarily celibate"— that is, those who want to be sexually active but are experiencing a sexless life. What most people don’t know is that the idea had its origin when a university student named Alana became so sexually frustrated that she developed a website (Alana’s Involuntary Celibacy Project) in order to document her struggles in the dating sphere.
An article in the National Library of Medicine (NLM) is the best overview I’ve ever seen of the incel phenomenon. Despite Alana’s having initiated the conversation, most of us still associate “incel” with the male gender, as do the majority of male incels.
Alana’s website, according to the article, “featured discussion forums, article sharing, and a mailing list, which served a diverse community of people across the age span, genders, and sexual orientations.” Not so antisocial, right? No, it was downright pro-social.
Alana had found love and moved on, returning only after a violent incident perpetrated by an incel led her to discover that "the group had splintered into male-only assemblies whose sexual frustrations were often directed at the women who have ‘shunned’ them.”
Males who direct their sexual frustrations at women do so because, no surprise, they are sexually attracted to and desire sexual relationships with women. In their sexual frustration they frequently turn to pornography. This is something they have in common with many men—incel or not. What’s different here is that incels, by definition, have no other sexual outlet, and they can develop a behavioral reliance on porn. Porn, after all, offers a sure-fire remedy where personal rejection is never an issue. (Please note that the problem isn’t porn or "porn addiction," but what we might call the overreliance on porn as more than a mere temporary solution.)
An overreliance on porn may bring on the next step toward sex offender status: systematic desensitization or, for the pros out there, sys desens. This is a psychological rule which holds that increased frequency of exposure to a stimulus results in decreased response to that same stimulus. For example, the beautiful view from your home that you paid thousands of extra dollars for after a while becomes meh. Pornographers understand this, which is why they produce more and more content all the time. Those beautiful nude women posed in alluring positions? They, like a home's beautiful view, become, over time, simply wallpaper.
This explains why the incel may be constantly looking for something new, something more, something exotic—something, anything that's different. And this phenomenon, when combined with the fear of rejection by adult women, explains how some incels end up either looking at underage porn or approaching underage girls (or detectives posing as underage girls).
If you’re an incel or someone who cares about someone who is involuntarily sexless, please consider taking action. First, accept and embrace that the incel individual is not at his best right now, and both he and those who care for him may need to open their minds to the idea that he needs help and encouragement. The same study cited above notes that incels report a 95% and 93% prevalence of depression and anxiety—about triple the rates of others, according to the CDC. And remember: Therapists don’t diagnose these conditions merely because they are unpleasant. These conditions are diagnosed because they are disabling and cause serious problems in cognition and judgement, which can affect all of us.
The depression and anxiety an incel might have goes hand-in-glove with another mental health challenge. At the National Institute for Health website there was a thoughtful observation that confirmed my own clinical experience: Incels are about the most painfully isolated people we know. Of the nearly 300 incels in their study, “only one-third…reported that they had at least one friend.” They need to learn how to make friends, and the rest of us, when we can, need to be open to being their friends. Many incels are very interested in platonic friendships and love offered on a genuine level.
Further complicating the above problem is the high rate of social-skill deficits among incels as well as a relatively higher rate of autism spectrum disorder. If all of this sounds daunting for those of us who would like to help an incel, that is entirely understandable. In severe cases, calling a professional therapist in for help might be best. The challenge here is that so many incels I’ve worked with have tried therapy and found it inadequate. In one survey of incels cited in the NLM article, about half had already engaged in “some form of psychotherapy, with twice as many (15%) reporting it made them feel worse than better (6%).”
Another challenge is the high level of knowledge a therapist must possess to treat such clients: The therapist must be competent with the treatment of anxiety, depression, autism spectrum disorder, teaching social skills, addressing red-pill/black-pill irrational beliefs (read that NLM article), and the elephant in the room: Comfort with dealing with human sexual needs and how to address them.
Consumers, not just incels, expect licensed therapists to be competent in addressing all issues, including human sexuality, but the truth is, many are not. It’s important to interview a potential therapist to determine if they can address questions like:
Too many therapists, when faced with an incel, take a hard pass and refer out. With the severity of this societal dilemma, therapists, in my opinion, can do better to create shame-free environments where healthy discussions on human sexuality can occur.
Incels remind us that we are all sexual beings with sexual needs, and that we all benefit from clinicians with the proper training in addressing how to get our sexual needs met in a safe, legal, and honorable way. Incels, like every one of us, want love and connection, but if they do not have the support and tools to understand themselves and get their sexual needs met honorably and legally, they remain at risk of becoming sex offenders.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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