As children, we often yearn for the freedom associated with being a grown-up. Kids fantasize that the life of an adult consists solely of dessert for dinner, staying up as late as possible, and all the screen time they want. As adults, it is obvious that any freedom that is dreamed of is quickly overshadowed by mundane daily tasks we now refer to as the practice of, adulting. And adulting is no fun.
Most of my clients will, at the very least, occasionally lament their adulting duties. Some folks are debilitated by the amount of ongoing tasks we all face. Conquering these chores requires building an arsenal of skills and one overarching tool in the quest is the development of gentle discipline.
We don’t often pair the concept of discipline with the idea of being gentle. The dictionary definition of discipline reflects harshness and the need for punishment.
Culturally, criticism and severity are connected to the idea of motivation. And as a former athlete I am quite accustomed to the harsh rhetoric coaches can offer up, thinking they are positively affecting performance.
This harshness wasn’t motivating then, and it certainly wouldn’t motivate me today. But what is motivating? These mean and punishing comments ultimately end up hurting us. Sports psychologists have uncovered the connections between positive self-talk and improved performance (Karamitrou and colleagues, 2017, Santos-Rosa and colleagues, 2022).
Academic performance is also another place where the research suggests positive self-talk is more beneficial than any punishing or highly critical messaging (Sanchez and colleagues, 2016). Perhaps you are no longer in an academic or athletic environment; it is still worth understanding self-talk and working towards building an internal gentle discipline approach to conquering life’s more routine activities.
I often work with my clients on their self-talk. These internalized thoughts are often born from some amalgamation of influential people in our lives. Clients benefit from understanding, “whose voice is that,” when they say something incredibly mean to themselves. Externalizing the criticism builds the capacity for having a gentler approach. However, for those who are more perfectionistic, moving away from punishment as a tool for success can be scary for those who are so familiar with this style of discipline.
Trying to strike a balance between self-talk that is forgiving and motivating is where gentle discipline takes us. One area in the field focused on kinder internal self-talk that gets tons of attention is self-compassion, the idea that you treat yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer others. Kristen Neff’s body of work examining the benefits of self-compassion is robust, including seeing the benefits of this stance in resilience, trauma recovery, and depression. However, just building more self-compassion (which is incredibly important in other aspects of life) isn’t helping with the motivation to pay your taxes, schedule doctor’s appointments, or do your laundry. We need some form of discipline that can sustain us and not punish us.
References
Compassion. Self. (2024.). https://self-compassion.org/
Karamitrou, A., Comoutos, N., Hatzigeorgiadis, A., & Theodorakis, Y. (2017). A self-determination approach to understanding of athletes’ automatic self-talk. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 6(4), 340–354
Sánchez, F., Carvajal, F., & Saggiomo, C. (2016). Self-talk and academic performance in undergraduate students. Anales de psicología, 32(1), 139.
Santos-Rosa, F. J., Montero-Carretero, C., Gómez-Landero, L. A., Torregrossa, M., & Cervelló,
E. (2022). Positive and negative spontaneous self-talk and performance in gymnastics: The role of contextual, personal and situational factors. PLOS ONE, 17(3).
Rebranding Discipline: Finding Motivation for Boring Chores
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21.02.2024
As children, we often yearn for the freedom associated with being a grown-up. Kids fantasize that the life of an adult consists solely of dessert for dinner, staying up as late as possible, and all the screen time they want. As adults, it is obvious that any freedom that is dreamed of is quickly overshadowed by mundane daily tasks we now refer to as the practice of, adulting. And adulting is no fun.
Most of my clients will, at the very least, occasionally lament their adulting duties. Some folks are debilitated by the amount of ongoing tasks we all face. Conquering these chores requires building an arsenal of skills and one overarching tool in the quest is the development of gentle discipline.
We don’t often pair the concept of discipline with the idea of being gentle. The dictionary definition of discipline reflects harshness and the need for punishment.
Culturally, criticism and severity are connected to the idea of motivation. And as........
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