“I regard pornography as the fast food of sex: A little bit here and there won’t hurt anyone, but it’s not something to consume regularly,” one reader argues.
Welcome to Up for Debate. Each week, Conor Friedersdorf rounds up timely conversations and solicits reader responses to one thought-provoking question. Later, he publishes some thoughtful replies. Sign up for the newsletter here.
Last week I asked readers, “Is pornography immoral?”
H. regards most pornography as unhealthy, but not immoral:
I found my life to be significantly improved after I stopped masturbating to pornography. I am living a healthy, productive life now and am in my first long-term relationship. I regard pornography as the fast food of sex: A little bit here and there won’t hurt anyone, but it’s not something to consume regularly. So while I don’t regard pornography as immoral, do I regard porn as moral? Would I encourage the average person to actively produce or consume it? No. And I would encourage many young men to try to abstain from pornography for a while as an experiment, to see how it affects them.
Angela says that porn has been a source of significant trauma in her life:
When you’re a 12-year-old in 1966 and find your dad’s magazines between the mattress and the box spring, it makes you physically sick. You never feel quite the same about your beloved parent again. You compare yourself with what you see and find yourself inferior.
When you’re molested by a school friend’s father around the same time, you start to blame yourself. When you become promiscuous several years later, it feels like you’re trying to be that sexy person you can’t quite be yet. When you marry and later discover your spouse has a serious addiction to porn, you wonder if you unconsciously chose him because you were exposed to sexual activity way beyond your ability to process it. Then you go out of town and return, and your husband, who consumed porn from the moment you departed, can’t get an erection with you for a few weeks. Is pornography harmful? Maybe it’s okay for somebody, but to this somebody, it has hurt very much.
Carl believes that pornography is a moral good:
Pornography is hugely beneficial to both society and the individuals that produce and consume it. I was raised devoutly Catholic and discovered porn as a teenager. It opened my mind that faith might not be all it’s cracked up to be. I was hugely comforted by images of people having sex. It was something I was not doing (I lost my virginity at 20) and I was hugely curious. Seeing it, I felt complete without doing it. Even to this day, I’ve had few sexual partners, all of whom were in trusted relationships. But the knowledge of the wide world of sex allowed me to enjoy that world without any physical risk.
Virtual enjoyment is still enjoyment. Sitting at home masturbating is no less enjoyable than being at a bar trying to sleaze my way into sex. I get all the benefits of sex without the drawbacks. The world of sleaze (Saint Augustine’s “sewer”) will never cease to exist. If someone wants to take pictures of it and post them online, why shouldn’t I enjoy it?
Lots of porn is produced by people who want to be doing it and are paid well for it. I barely scrape by working my ass off in retail. How am I less exploited than a woman who reveals what nature gave her and profits from it? I have a long-term partner and we include porn in our sex life. We can better understand each other’s feelings and cater to each other’s desires because of the knowledge gained by watching porn. It takes the blinders off. (I can enjoy things my partner won’t do vicariously. This really helps.)
It’s a cold winter’s day. I sit in my bedroom and view a sex act online. I enjoy and am fulfilled. I didn’t have to beg my partner for release. I did it myself. I relax for a moment after and then get on with my day. How is this “bad?” It isn’t.
Clinton disagrees. He identifies himself as “a recovering sexaholic in a committed marriage that has been unspeakably harmed” from his past consumption of pornography. He writes:
Moral behavior consists of doing what leads participants, participants’ families, and participants’ society to increased happiness. Happiness results from improved trust and love in our intimate relationships and suffers when we become isolated from those relationships. Consumption of pornography results in the distraction of the focus of our love and affection from people in our immediate vicinity—the people we should be intimately acquainted with.
Pornography results in the weakening if not dissolution of marriages and other intimate relationships. This harms not only the people in those relationships but society in general.
Juan makes the case that porn helps him avoid infidelity:
I am 67 and at least twice a week I see pornography. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t do it. My wife and I have different needs. I’d rather have sex twice a week. She is okay with twice a month. Liberating myself through pornography is much better than looking for sex outside the marriage. In my previous marriage I cheated and this is morally incorrect. I do not want to do it in this one.
Leo believes that good societies tend to have pornography:
It’s easy to dismiss pornography in a reductive manner: It’s bad, it’s exploitative, it’s deceptive, it’s unhealthy. But what else is it? Well, in a liberal society, pornography is an example of free speech or expression. An argument could also be made that it’s an art form. And certain individuals almost certainly find it a valuable means of supporting themselves. Whether or not the pros outweigh the cons strikes me as a valid debate. But when the issue is examined in its full complexity, the necessity of preserving our freedoms outweighs the potential risks involved in creating pornographic content. Pornography is therefore, perhaps paradoxically, a sign of civic health in an open society.
Lama is in her mid-70s:
I see nothing wrong with pornography, if performed by and consumed by consenting adults. I quite enjoy it from time to time. Kinky stuff included. Sex is a good thing, like chocolate and sunsets.
David believes that “pornography is inevitable” because of tremendous demand and that society should act accordingly:
Is pornography healthy? That is a complex question. Pornography misrepresents sexuality. People need knowledge to balance that misrepresentation. This is very important for children. But many adults do not wish or attempt to educate children regarding sexuality.
That is where the fault lies.
Dale takes the same logic further than most would:
The world would be a better place if more real, loving couples posted their erotic dalliances online. There is a vast difference between the real thing and actors trying to fake making real love. This difference between reality and acting is especially important given that most teens now admit to having viewed porn. Rather than finding normal couples in their searching, what kids are exposed to is increasingly extreme, misogynistic, and violent.
There is no realistic way to stop this consumption by the young and impressionable. What responsibility do we have to try to ensure that what our children consume online does not leave them with seriously distorted views? After some years of thought on the issue, I propose that just as a matter of simple pragmatism we begin by making clear to our adolescents that what they see online at present is seriously “fake news.” But for this to be effective, I still find myself advocating for more examples of healthy, loving sexual encounters being posted online. In fact, lots more so they won’t be lost in all the lies.
Donald is dismissive of arguments against porn:
As someone who is a collector of erotic manga and doujin (published and independent comic books, for those unfamiliar), it is hard to accept that it is anything but morally neutral. Who is getting hurt by drawings and writings of purely fictional characters? I have a fairly content life, and my enjoyment of the artistic skill in the drawing and writing of sexual fantasies is hardly hurting the artists or other consumers or nonconsumers. It can be addictive, but even as someone invested in this space, sugar is far closer to a vice for me.
Jared draws on religion in objecting to pornography:
Pornography violates God’s design for healthy human sexuality. I’ll spare you the layman’s explanation of orthodox Christian teaching and point you instead to Pope John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body.” I hope that gives you an understanding of what the Church actually teaches about not just sex, but what it means to live as physical beings. I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the harm Christians can do, have done, and are doing through their teachings and actions in this realm. Having grown up as a “good church boy” in the thick of purity culture, I understand deeply that scripture misunderstood or wrongly wielded is a dangerous thing. My spiritual trauma has probably caused me at least as much pain as has my own sexual sin. How do I heal that pain?
Through Jesus himself.
Pornography production and consumption is wrong because it objectifies all involved and reduces our God-given human dignity. It offends God, who made us and loves us. The good news of the Gospel is that through Jesus, there is forgiveness of sin, freedom from addiction, deliverance from slavery, and healing from even the deepest of wounds.
Bob poses a question:
If it’s immoral to show images of people giving each other pleasure through their bodies, is it not at least equally immoral to glorify violence? I watch the John Wick movies over and over. But are they not as obscene as pornography, if pornography is obscene?
Ken remarks on morality and the role that absolutes play in a free society:
Pornography does great damage to the gift of intimacy God intends for a committed-for-life marriage. I believe this is an absolute imperative. However, I realize I am in a small minority that believes in moral absolutes. That is the reason that even if you achieve some degree of consensus on this matter, it can never arrive at something we might think of as truth. Relative morality is by definition a private and personal morality, and there is no absolute, objective standard to say that one person’s beliefs are better.
While it is possible for a society to achieve near moral consensus (on such a topic as pornography), it can never create an obligation on the part of dissenting people to accept it as a moral imperative. A society can discourage it, make laws against it, and coerce compliance. The one thing it can never do is label it as immoral, because this can be done only by referring to an absolute standard many deny. Otherwise, it is an opinion. And the debate can never be more than a shouting match––there is nothing for the two sides to appeal to. This is what we see play out every day in social issues: People reserve the right for themselves to define morality as it suits them, and then they are outraged when others adopt different beliefs and don’t accept theirs as absolutes.
Divided and smug we stand.
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