World War Dorit broke out on tonight’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as Crystal’s seemingly tacoless taco Tuesday proved to be the most chaotic event of the season, somehow.
This week’s episode opens with some beautifully awkward Sutton footage, as the Southern belle went on a first date with a weird mama’s boy. It seems Sutton’s first-date curse won’t be ending any time soon, but at least she’s willing to date on TV. That’s really a lost art, although we unfortunately saw no new footage of bubbly matchmaker Allesandra, who I’m convinced is a secret agent trying to take Sutton down. Maybe that’s too Salt Lake City for these ladies, but I’ll keep believing until proven otherwise. Anything to spice up RHOBH’s perpetually dull solo storylines.
And Sutton remains the name on everyone’s lips this week, as newbie Annemarie enters her blink-and-you’ll-miss-it fourth appearance once again discussing Sutton’s esophagus over a comically large display of charcuterie at Kyle’s house alongside Dorit. Perhaps Kyle just wanted the crew to take pride in their ability to chew, since they don’t have to mash their food up like birds like Sutton does, as Dorit claims.
The trio meetings continue with a rare group, as Sutton joins Garcelle and Erika for drinks in an effort to mend fences between the three. Since Lent hasn’t ended yet, Erika maintains her cool with her former foes, drinking the night away and sharing the tidbit that a “naked bundle” of Denise Richards goes for only $7 on OnlyFans.
Now, I don’t know a lot about OnlyFans, but if it costs more than $50 for a Cameo from a Real Housewife, surely Denise could shoot a bit higher, no? That’s a thought Garcelle opines as she laughs in her confessional, but alas, a question that remains unanswered when resident detective Sutton opts against buying her own bundle.
Also revealed on their night out is that Sutton has made out with her driver, another great piece of lore for this curious character. She eats like a bird, she might be dating her horse, and she’s making out with drivers. Oh, and she’s on the board of the American Ballet Theatre. Who says you can’t have it all?
As the dangling thread of Sutton’s alleged drinking problem hangs over the group, I couldn’t help but notice she described her drinks with Erika and Garcelle as “dinner” to her glam team, but that’s neither here nor there. Is Sutton really more of an alcoholic than half of the casts of any of these franchises? Hard to say.
The ever-perplexing Kyle and Morgan friendship added new layers this week, too, as Kyle reveals she personally tattooed a “K” on Morgan. With the two closer than ever, Dorit pokes at their dynamic, while growing increasingly insecure in her own friendship with Kyle.
One thing about Dorit is she loves to get territorial over Kyle — having thrown similar fits over Kyle’s closeness with Teddi Mellencamp in the past — and an activated Dorit is the best version of our child of the world.
This time, though, the cracks in their friendship aren’t just in Dorit’s head. In a confessional as the two drive to Crystal’s event, Kyle reveals she’s been keeping her distance from Dorit intentionally, ever since Dorit remained neutral on Kathy and Kyle’s feud during the Season 12 reunion.
Unfortunately for Crystal, hosting an event isn’t enough to get her much screen time, with her taco party a venue for every other cast member, including scene fillers, to usurp her in relevance tonight. Once the ladies arrive at the taco party, Dorit’s pot stirring is picked apart with an assist from Crystal’s friend Nia, who informs the group that Dorit spilled about Sutton’s Magic Mike meltdown earlier in the night.
While this does provide us brief evidence Crystal does have friends — a funny, not-so-subtle way for her to fight back against last year’s rumor she was booted from her 14-friend group — Crystal remains a nonentity in this season’s drama.
In perhaps the most devastating blow to Crystal’s relevance, Garcelle tells Dorit she’s “surprised [Crystal’s] actually talking about something.” But Crystal’s bone-collecting from last week does pay off with a rare Sutton and Dorit duel, one of the season’s most salacious fights yet. Two of the most long-winded, incoherent women in the franchise engaging in a battle of words is music to my ears.
“Are you going to stop accusing me of doing things that I am not doing?” a rattled Dorit asks. Sutton answers, “Are you going to stop accusing me of putting vodka in my coffee?”
Sutton makes sure to set the record straight: She doesn’t drink coffee. Maybe that’s what she’s really upset about, being slandered as a caffeine addict. I mean, in the age of the murderous Panera charged lemonade, perhaps that’s fair.
Despite this being Sutton’s fourth season (third as a Housewife), she and Dorit have rarely engaged with each other in any meaningful way. Really, aside from the “Let the Mouse Go” dinner of Season 10, I struggle to think of any big moments between the two of them.
I’m a sucker for an unexplored dynamic, and with the cast whittled down after a few years of bloat, it’s great to see new feuds bloom. But alongside the blossoming feud, simmering tensions resurface to carry the episode home.
Dorit and Garcelle’s roller coaster relationship takes a turn for the worse when Garcelle takes a shot at Dorit’s incessant rumor spreading. After Dorit reveals to the group that Sutton made out with her driver, Garcelle says she feels Dorit is trying to embarrass Sutton, “and that’s not okay.”
But Dorit doesn’t take that lying down. The most energetic she’s been since Season 9, Dorit fires right back, only to face the firing squad of Sutton and her new repeating tactic. You have to give Sutton credit: to be the most annoying, hard-headed arguer in a fight with Dorit takes genuine effort, and her repeated ask of “Why did you bring it up?” sends Dorit into a state of pure exhaustion.
With Sutton taking one-up on Dorit, Dorit returns her energy to Garcelle. “If you don’t like me Garcelle, stop pretending that you do,” a frustrated Dorit argues in her confessional. And then it gets real ugly, as Dorit accuses Garcelle of attacking her, leading Garcelle to (once again) call Dorit out on her microaggressions and choice of words.
“What’s a good word?” Dorit asks, leading Garcelle to call her out on her “privilege.” Backing Garcelle up is Erika, who makes the salient point that Dorit’s choice of words, whether intentional or not, do have negative connotations. It’s a funny place to be when Erika serves as a voice of reason, but certainly not unwelcome (and won’t be long-lived.)
But Dorit’s effort to move forward is instantly squashed.
“I’m not here to educate you,” Garcelle says, to which Dorit replies, “Well, I think you have.”
“That’s on you,” Garcelle replies, swiftly shutting down the reemerged feud.
And don’t worry, there’s more. Fresh off being brutally butchered by half the cast, Dorit lobs a lit match onto Denise and Erika’s four-year beef, before departing the party, her single masterful stroke in an episode full of misfires.
This time, with Denise not only lucid, but wearing her clothes right-side up, the gloves come off (Vicki Gunvalson voice). When Denise reprimands Erika for her Season 10 comment that Denise’s teenage daughters know what a threesome is, if they haven’t already had one, Erika fires right back.
“Okay, your oldest daughter’s on OnlyFans,” Erika says. “She doesn’t know?”
As the episode closes out on a “To be continued…,” Denise tells Erika, “You are a mean woman,” with no disagreement from Erika. And with that, we head into our holiday break.
There’s a lot to celebrate as we enter the second-half of this rebuilding season, with tonight’s episode sprouting the most diverse array of feuds RHOBH has seen in years. That makes it all the more curious how Annemarie snagged a full-time spot, given she once again made no impact. We find out in a Facetime she’s in Hawaii, but the newbie snags no solo footage, nary a moment to make herself stand out in this season highlight. Sad.
When we return in January, we have the continuation of the Denise/Erika feud and taco Tuesday to look forward to — hopefully, with tacos!
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