I was the worst student in my high school art classes.
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Wildly interested but absolutely no talent for drawing or painting.
I reckon I could have a lash now though. Bear with me.
I plan to try my hand at what's called conceptual art.
I promise I won't sit on a chair coated in metallic paint while you try to figure out if I'm really alive. Also, keep your hands to yourself.
Not sure what conceptual art is? The folks at the National Gallery of Australia define it as "idea and experience over fixed material form". So please experience my ideas - my artistic vision - while I reimagine the Ladies Lounge, an installation of conceptual art at Australia's best and craziest small gallery, the Museum of Old and New Art Art, in Hobart, Tasmania.
US-born Kirsha Kaechele (now a Taswegian) devised and installed the Ladies Lounge and banned men from coming in.
The idea was that it would get blokes to realise what it was like for women in the world, to be excluded from so much. She says: "The rejection of men is a very important part of the artwork."
I bet you'd never heard of the Ladies Lounge until NSW man Jason Lau took legal action against Mona for denying him entry into the exhibit. He claimed it was discrimination.
Richard Grueber, TASCAT deputy president, agreed with him and while he was at it, complained about the behaviour of Kaechele and her entourage at the hearings: "At the very least, it was inappropriate, discourteous and disrespectful."
Looked like fun to me but whatever. Sadly, the MONA folks say the exhibit can't be modified to permit entry by men. I disagree.
Now I saw the Ladies Lounge just as Tasmania reopened for tourists.
You take the ferry and arrive at this cavernous site with phat cars. And that's just the trip from Melbourne to Devonport on my beloved Spirit of Tasmania.
Then it's a drive to Hobart and a ferry trip up the mighty Derwent to MONA.
I have never ever had a bad time in Tasmania. Never been bored. Broke. Exhausted. Cold even in summer. But never bored.
The Ladies Lounge is really a performance piece and how hilarious was it that Kaechele allowed men in if they were happy to work in the role of butlers and foot masseurs. Perfect.
So if the judge wants men to have access, they are going to have to be part of the performance piece. No work, no play.
As usual, women will have to bear the cognitive load - that is, the thinking required to make this happen. And men will just have to put up with the consequences.
So, first, men will be asked to put on a costume before they enter. Shoes first: it doesn't have to be high heels. It could be kitten heels. Maybe strappy sandals that expose bunions.
Then they will have to change undies. Those dank cotton jockeys will have to be placed in a HAZMAT bag and exchanged for G-strings.
Sure that might be uncomfortable but since when has comfort been important to bloke. Bras, of course. Most blokes have the beginnings of manboobs so plenty to fill in there. Baggy T-shirts out, figure-hugging items in.
Dressed? Great. Come in! Find a chair. There's not a lot of room for you but do squeeze in. Please keep your knees together. No, no, actually together. Do not lean on the knees of any women in your proximity. C'mon, you can do it.
Now, here's the really hard bit. You will have to remain quiet. Silent. Silently silent. This will be tough because you, some of you, talk non-stop even about things you do not understand. I say this with love, but it can be taxing for those of us who are actually experts on topics you know nothing about.
Happy to abide by those rules and regulations? I mean, there are plenty of dress codes already. This is just another one. And we have to be quiet in many entertainment settings so that should be easy.
Truly, I'm disappointed in Jason Lau, the complainant.
I'd argue that he is behaving in exactly the entitled way that men act.
They want everything, all the time and they've been trained to accept that's possible. Kaechele wanted to show men what it was like to be a woman and Lau didn't get it and didn't like it. And the law sided with him. What's that old saying about the law being an ass?
Those who were at the hearing said he seemed like a decent bloke. OK, good. Not a lawyer but lawyer-adjacent, it seems. Knew enough to self-represent in this case.
READ MORE:
As Catharine Lumby, professor of media studies at the University of Sydney and a keen observer and writer on contemporary art, says, Women have been excluded for centuries in Western art galleries because 95 per cent of the artists have been men who mainly paint pictures of naked women for other men to stare at.
"Galleries are historically male spaces," she says.
Lumby says Kirsha Kaechele made an incredibly knowing, witty and successful art work which provoked exactly the reaction she wanted.
"We are all going through a reckoning when it comes to gender equality but the men who are used to being in the driver's seat need to stop being backseat drivers.
"We need male allies who understand that women can reverse park too."
Anyhow, Kaechele is a playful, funny and clever artist - and she might just be feeling grumpy right now because the law is a very blunt instrument when it comes to working out how we can work towards a more equal world.
But I'm ready to be an art consultant. And I have a few old bras I can contribute to the dress-up box.
Jenna Price is a Canberra Times columnist and a visiting fellow at the Australian National University.
Jenna Price is a Canberra Times columnist and a visiting fellow at the Australian National University.
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