So, you’ve decided to take up running, eh?

Well, as someone who has, and still does at various times, let me be your tour guide to running in the modern age.

If you’re a man under 50, it’s time to spend hundreds of dollars on gear and get running.Credit: iStock

To start with, you will need: a pair of running shoes you spend way too much money on, a smartwatch with loads of apps to distract you from the head noise that comes while running, several pairs of running shorts and singlets, a hat, some polarised sunglasses that, I think, are meant to keep bugs out of your eyes (even though in all my years of running I’ve never had any issue with running so fast that bugs splatter on my face), and a Strava account – because the only way anyone can build a habit these days is if it’s morphed into a form of social media where you can get a serotonin hit every time someone interacts with a drip of content I’ve twisted out of the soaking wet rag that is my life.

After you’ve got all the external requirements sorted, the next step is to look within. To make it out of the house, you’ll need to find your motivation. Perhaps it’s a break-up, or maybe you were a high achiever in school and have found yourself floundering in a world where the sense of worth you used to get from teachers hasn’t translated to the grown-up world. Maybe you have an addictive personality and are inching towards 30 (or 40, or 50) and have realised it’s time to put all that passion and intensity towards something that doesn’t involve going to raves.

Whatever it is that’s causing a sense of unease inside you, whatever it is you are running from or toward, identify it. That way, when people inevitably ask you why you’ve started running, you can pretend that’s not the reason and have a generic pre-prepared answer at the ready.

People will ask you why you’ve taken up running not because they’re genuinely interested, but because it’s the generic follow-up question everyone asks after someone announces (without having been asked) they now self-identify as a runner.

Next, you want to start watching running content online. All it takes is a couple of videos for your algorithm to become railroaded. Gorge on the endless feedback loop that will trap you so that every time you open your phone, you’re confronted with either the burning motivation to get up and run or the crushing sense that you’re a lazy piece of shit, of which one possible antidote is to muster the aforementioned motivation to run; all roads lead to Rome.

If all else fails, watch a montage of David Goggins’ videos. His raspy voice and slightly threatening motivations will plant all the seeds of self-loathing you need to make you believe that you really do need to change.