I hate to kick anyone while they’re down, but geez, Kensington Palace has had centuries to get the messaging right and yet, it’s flubbed its lines royally over the Princess of Wales’ ongoing vanishing act.

A bit of housekeeping first: yep, when Kate’s abdominal surgery was announced in January I vowed to not poke around in what ails her. Instead, spare online time was dedicated to failing to find Wardrobe NYC’s Hailey Bieber track pants on sale and choosing another paint by numbers kit.

The long absence of Kate, Princess of Wales, has resulted in a great deal of speculation. Credit: AP

It proves me fickle, but the vow is broken. Once conspiracy theories crept from gossipy web corners to become a news story for the likes of Forbes – albeit one with overtones of haystack haired villagers marching on the Beast’s castle with flaming pikes – it was time to revisit.

It turns out that it’s Prince William’s fault. Or rather his last-minute withdrawal from the February memorial service for his godfather King Constantine of Greece for a “personal matter”.

A loaf of bread knows royals don’t have personal matters, let alone one that sparks a staggering breach of protocol. William is by birth a clockwork creature of fealty. Wind him up, off he goes, where and when he’s told. There’s nothing last-minute in the world of the Waleses, only obligations scheduled a year ahead.

Two days before her death, Queen Elizabeth did a photo call with new PM Liz Truss. Duty first. So William’s unprecedented bunking off created speculation it was connected to his wife’s health.

For mine, maybe the poor bloke just woke thinking, “the kids are driving me batshit crazy, my brother’s tricky but I miss him, Dad has cancer and I can’t windsurf with Kate”. Needed a sickie.

But secrets love shadows, and the public’s appetite for respecting Kate’s privacy request cracked. We pay for her high life, we want to see her. Wheel her out or our curiosity could turn toxic.