Be honest – when did you last have sex? If you were killed in a car crash, would anybody be able to identify your body? Are reclusive Trappist monks and yogis living in caves pestering you for tips on abstinence? There’s a lot to be said for celibacy and most of it begins with “Why me?”

The London Library recently marked Valentine’s Day with a night of “epistolic erotica”. This involved readings from the most arousing literature in the English language. Best of all, the talk was interpreted in sign language. Picture, if you will, the mimed translations of Portnoy’s Complaint and The Story of O.

Sex therapist Suzi Godson counsels that having sex with the same person for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years requires mindful commitment.Credit: iStock

So, yes, sex can be funny, but what’s no laughing matter is the number of my friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s who have given up on carnal encounters. In my book, there are only a few things worse than celibacy, including hepatitis and death. As sex helps to increase our longevity by decreasing our blood pressure and boosting endorphins, it’s in our interest to keep doing the horizontal tango. But how to keep it interesting?

Sex therapist Suzi Godson counsels that having sex with the same person for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years requires mindful commitment. She recommends we “love consciously” by building arousal gradually. Being mindful of how much your relationship matters creates what she calls a “positive feedback loop”. The idea is that when your partner feels appreciated, they reciprocate with love which reinforces mutual intimacy.

Sweet, but a tad nebulous. So let me offer my own list of sure-fire tips guaranteed to have you double-parking in your partner’s erogenous zones.

First off, for fellas, no flossing in bed, toenail clipping, belching or passing wind. Ever. I think we gals should also refrain from asking a partner to pluck our chin hairs.

Sadly, to most married couples, “talking dirty in bed” involves a whinge about the dust building up on the skirting boards.

Now, I don’t want to shock you blokes but saggy-baggy grey Qantas pyjama pants are not quite the aphrodisiac you imagine. It would be so nice if you could occasionally not dress as though you’re here to clean out the aquarium. A tight white T-shirt minus food stains, a lumberjack shirt or maybe even a leather jacket will whet any woman’s appetite.

We females are also guilty of sartorial faux pas in the boudoir. Flannelette nighties are a nooky no-no. As are curlers, inch-thick face cream, teeth-whitening moulds and big white nana knickers.