It’s taken me years to realise this, but prison has radically rewired my emotional landscape.

In the 804 days I lost to Iran’s Evin prison, I spent a lot of time oscillating between being extremely anxious and furiously angry. The anxiousness faded with time into dull numbness and resignation. The anger boiled, then simmered, then reduced to a cool flame deep inside my gut. There it sits still, three years after my release.

Kylie Moore-Gilbert is the author of the 2022 memoir The Uncaged Sky: My 804 Days in an Iranian Prison.

Unlike my pre-prison self, on the outside I am calm and unflappable. I don’t shout and I don’t yell. Serenity reigns above, but the flame still burns below. Only now do I recognise that the prison anger is still there, because my relationship with anger has changed so dramatically. Traffic might have irked me in the past; likewise, overblown male egos and people who are chronically late.

Now, my rage is trained on a much more sophisticated target. The Islamic Republic of Iran. The Revolutionary Guards Corps. The hostage-diplomacy business model, and all those who have made innocent people like me suffer because of it.

There are trigger points. The killing of Mahsa Amini in September 2022 – and the unprecedented nationwide protests that erupted across Iran as a result – was an obvious one. During the unrest, Evin prison was set on fire, with some of my former cellmates trapped inside. For many days, we didn’t know who would make it out alive (all female prisoners did, but eight male inmates died).

Being angry is generally not a great look for someone wanting to be taken seriously in a professional space. My outward calmness has helped me in this regard; yet at times, I have tripped myself up in my quest for justice in the years following my release. Sometimes I have directed my cold rage at the wrong targets. Other times, I have been too uncompromising and have alienated potential allies.

One of the unexpected joys I discovered after prison was that I am now a member of an eclectic, and sadly, ever-growing, group of former hostages and wrongful detainees scattered throughout the world. It was through generous conversations with big-hearted people like Jason Rezaian, Anoosheh Ashoori, Xiyue Wang, Sam Goodwin, Matt Hedges, Jolie King, Mark Firkin, and others that I found healing. They get it when so few others truly can.

Most of us still have that anger boiling inside, although it expresses itself in diverse ways. All of us agree that achieving some sense of justice and accountability is crucial to being able to move on from our experiences in prison. All of us want to prevent what was done to us from happening to others.