It begins with the high-pitched whine of a solitary mosquito. Then it’s two, then 10. And finally, you realise it’s not mosquitoes because you can’t crush the noise, and it won’t stop, no matter how many cans of insect spray you empty on it.
Then the realisation hits like a post-Christmas credit card bill: this dreadful din is indeed being generated by animals, but they’re higher up the food chain than mosquitoes. Worse still, they’ve spent the past few years breeding (as have you, to be fair) and now they’ve swarmed and taken up residence in your phone. In your children’s class WhatsApp groups, to be exact.
Saddle up, parents, the school year just beginning. Only 300 days left to enjoy the school’s WhatsApp group.Credit: Glenn Hunt
If your kid/s are older, you’ve probably already entered this vortex of online hell and by now are resigned to the grim fate that awaits you: month after diabolical month of well-meaning but idiotic questions and commentary from people you’d normally move hemispheres to avoid. If, on the other hand, your children are just starting their school careers, the full horrifying picture is not yet in view.
As such, the first (and also last) thing to understand is that finding yourself in one of these groups is a bit like going to sleep in your bed and accidentally waking up on a battlefield. In short, you have to take a position. Here are just some of the identities on offer:
WhatsApprentice: You really want to make a good impression, LOL, because little Cordelia-Quillia is raring to go to kindergarten. In fact, she’s been sleeping in her uniform every night for the past month, haha. The only problem is, you’re confused about what date school actually starts. Also, you know about the uniform and everything, but what should she actually wear on the first day … any chance it’ll be mufti? And while we’re on the subject, what are people putting in their kids’ sandwiches? Should you ring the office? And when does the canteen open? You’re sure you’ll get the hang of this schooling caper, LOL – it’s just so hard because you’re so new and everything is very confusing.
WhatsApprehensive: Head slap. Eye roll emoji. Please, someone help. Your loveable rogue offspring, Barnaby Parker-Winthrup-Bottomley IV, has misplaced his boater again. It’s the fourth time he’s done it this week, the little scamp, and you really don’t want to buy another one because #hassle. So, even though it’s 6.30pm on a Thursday night and you know everyone’s probably sitting in peak-hour traffic/making dinner/wrangling toddlers with a whip and an upturned chair, you’d love for them to immediately drop everything to root through the swamp at the bottom of their kids’ schoolbags. Maybe someone took it home mistakenly. You lovingly embroidered Barnaby’s poly-hyphenated surname onto the brim over the summer, so it should be easy to spot.
Marija ErcegovacCredit:
WhatsAppropriate: Someone on the school gate said he or she heard the upcoming school camp is being held at a faith-based survivalist mountain retreat. Someone else says, “Excuse me, I might’ve enrolled my kid at a religious school, but I never signed up for that”. A third poster chimes in because everyone knows the world was made in seven days and what’s with all the deity-bashing anyway. Now the posts are getting salty. This upsets you. You liked it much better when WhatsApp was reserved for the pressing business of the school week, including the whereabouts of Barnaby Parker-Winthrup-Bottomley’s fourth boater or if the class teacher will actually come and burn your house down if you send your kid to school in the wrong-coloured hat. You don’t want to lecture, but you just wish everyone would behave themselves and be kind and do exactly what you say in your non-lecturing, Gandhi-esque post appealing for calm.
The worst thing about back to school is the WhatsApp group #vortexfromhell
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01.02.2024
It begins with the high-pitched whine of a solitary mosquito. Then it’s two, then 10. And finally, you realise it’s not mosquitoes because you can’t crush the noise, and it won’t stop, no matter how many cans of insect spray you empty on it.
Then the realisation hits like a post-Christmas credit card bill: this dreadful din is indeed being generated by animals, but they’re higher up the food chain than mosquitoes. Worse still, they’ve spent the past few years breeding (as have you, to be fair) and now they’ve swarmed and taken up residence in your phone. In your children’s class WhatsApp groups, to be exact.
Saddle up, parents, the school year just beginning. Only 300 days left to enjoy the school’s WhatsApp group.Credit: Glenn Hunt
If your kid/s are older, you’ve probably already entered this vortex of online hell and by now are resigned to the grim fate that awaits you: month after diabolical month of well-meaning but idiotic questions and........
© The Sydney Morning Herald
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