I was recently scrolling through every millennial’s favourite attention incubus (Instagram) when my procrastinating was interrupted by this headline: “You might not realise it, but are you being slow dumped?”

The attached image showed a 1950s housewife gazing lovingly at the empty silhouette of a man. Scurrying to the piece, I discovered a psychologist unpacking “slow dumping”, the committed relationship equivalent of ghosting – a term that refers to the phenomenon of a new or prospective lover evaporating unexpectedly, leaving nothing but haunting memories of slightly above-par sex and a strong meme game in their wake.

Is your social media feed undermining your relationship?Credit: Istock

Slow dumping, according to the psychologist, is ghosting’s inverse. In a committed relationship, one party can’t stomach a breakup and, to the anguish of all, they begin distancing themselves physically and emotionally from their partner while refusing to end things.

According to the article, signs you’re being slow dumped include: transactional and delayed text messages, a lack of engagement on social media posts, and dwindling sex.

I started crunching the numbers on my own romance. A short message about when he should pick me up instead of a series of thoughtfully curated cat videos. A dip in the number of times we had sex the week before because he “had an ear infection” and was “experiencing vertigo”. I only post sporadically on social media, but he had neglected to fire-react to a photo of pancakes I ate while sitting next to him at a photogenic café on Instagram Stories. Were these signs that he had a life subject to forces outside my immediate need for validation or … something more sinister?

Tragically, social media algorithms are as sensitive as a person who has recently read an article about slow dumping. Suddenly, my feeds became an avalanche of “relationship trends”.

The psychologist in the aforementioned article explained that it’s tough to know if you’re being slow-dumped, and you should seek therapy if you’re feeling chronically insecure. Boring! Fortunately, TikTok had plenty of other options for doubting lovers.

First, there’s the orange peel theory (100 million views), wherein you ask your partner to peel you an orange. If they leap at the chance to perform a task you could do yourself, you’ve found Prince Charming. If they question your request, you have a problem. According to the tens of millions of views amassed on these videos, your partner’s reluctance to peel an orange could indicate infidelity and be a sign of cheating or “micro-cheating”.

Not to leave you with a problem and no solutions, further TikTok videos suggest placing a glitter bomb in their car passenger seat mirror. If their mistress, mum, or vain friend from football goes to check their face, they’ll leave an explosive trail of glitter behind and, bam, micro-cheat or full-blown cheat has been exposed.