The Age’s opinion section is rolling out a fresh series of summer pieces on the theme of ‘The Summer I Went Legit’. These stories, penned by Age writers and regular columnists, range from humorous to poignant and thought-provoking tales of first jobs and finding your feet.
“Welcome to Telstra, this is Waleed, how can I help you?”
Yes. That was me, headset and all, talking to whoever was game about their MessageBank™. Or Call Number Display (the cool kids called it CND). Or trying to convince them of the merits of consolidating their various services into a single bill (“one account, one amount”). That last one we sold on the basis that it was good for the environment because it used less paper. By wild coincidence, it also saved the company considerable administrative costs.
“I do like getting into the history of the place and trying to understand what I’m looking at. Budapest has a tragic and therefore engrossing history.”
There were two types of shifts – inbound (answering calls) and outbound (making the calls). Outbound was the default. “Hi, this is Waleed from Telstra, could I please speak to Mrs Bucket?” I wouldn’t have chosen Mrs Bucket, myself, of course. She was dished up by a machine, which identified her as being primed for some sale or other. Then suddenly there we were. Thrown together by fate on a phone call neither of us sought, having never known the other existed mere seconds ago.
In an instant, you’d be asking for their date of birth for privacy reasons and getting their permission for the call to be recorded “for quality and coaching purposes”. At which point, it wasn’t unreasonable for your new friend Mrs Bucket to say something like: “Hang on, you’ve called me out of the blue, and now you’re asking for my personal details and recording me?” Others would just hang up. If only they’d bought a CND, they’d have known not to answer – and for only $5.50 a month including GST!
Once, I remember a guy saying to me, with tremendous satisfaction, “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.” I couldn’t tell whether it was something he said at every available opportunity or had been waiting for the perfect moment to deploy, but I could definitely tell he thought quoting a catchphrase from a short-lived game show was the cleverest thing in the world, and not remotely hackneyed. I assume he now runs around saying “lock it in, Eddie” whenever he finalises social plans.
Looking back, it’s a miracle anyone ever agreed to talk, but you’d be amazed. In our induction we were told of one customer (not Mrs Bucket) who took the call while having sex, right up to and including the most … audible … bit, even declining an offer to be called back later. I tried to imagine how that conversation would have gone. Were there calm, dry exchanges about optimising one’s call plan? Was it a complicated discussion of how mobile, internet and landline services could be packaged so as to earn a discount? How exciting could a Messagebank™ be in the circumstances?
My first call wasn’t as eventful. Even so, I remember it vividly. All the product knowledge, all the practice calls, all the blood, sweat and tears of two whole weeks of training had led to this. Now I was about to be unleashed on a real person.
In my mind, the job was colossal, I was esteemed and rich. But no one seemed to notice
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01.01.2024
The Age’s opinion section is rolling out a fresh series of summer pieces on the theme of ‘The Summer I Went Legit’. These stories, penned by Age writers and regular columnists, range from humorous to poignant and thought-provoking tales of first jobs and finding your feet.
“Welcome to Telstra, this is Waleed, how can I help you?”
Yes. That was me, headset and all, talking to whoever was game about their MessageBank™. Or Call Number Display (the cool kids called it CND). Or trying to convince them of the merits of consolidating their various services into a single bill (“one account, one amount”). That last one we sold on the basis that it was good for the environment because it used less paper. By wild coincidence, it also saved the company considerable administrative costs.
“I do like........
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