A quick message to the American people, from your always-hard-at-work Republican Party:
Some of you may have noticed that we, your Republican lawmakers in Congress, have not been doing a great deal of successful “governing” lately. For example, last week we killed the bipartisan Senate border bill that we had previously demanded, then we failed to impeach Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for…things, and then we failed to pass a standalone package that would provide aid to Israel.
We want to let our supporters know this intentional uselessness is all part of the plan. We will be doing nothing – zero, nada, zippo – between now and the November presidential election because our boss, the amazing and strong President Donald Trump, told us to ixnay on governing.
Look at it this way: If we were to pass legislation that in any way makes Americans’ lives better or helps America in general, it might make communist, Marxist, socialist President Joe Biden (BOOOOOOO!) look good. And that’s a non-starter because it might make our boss mad. When our boss gets mad he says mean things about us and then his fans start sending death threats and ... well, it’s a whole thing.
Clearly, there’s no reason for us to do the jobs the American people sent us here to do. Still, we know some are asking questions like: “Didn’t House Speaker Mike Johnson just speak in dramatic terms about the situation at the border?”
That’s correct. On Jan. 31, the speaker said: “Our streets are being flooded with fentanyl. Hundreds of thousands of children and adults are being poisoned and losing their lives.”
We stand by that. But we will wait until President Trump is re-elected before we elect to do anything about it. A few more months of fentanyl street-flooding and child and/or adult poisoning isn’t going to hurt anyone, except perhaps the people who die. But that will be Biden’s fault, and their sacrifice will be a small price to pay to get our boss re-elected and keep him from giving us embarrassing nicknames.
Trump made clear he didn’t want us to pass any kind of border deal, so we stood patriotically resolute in our bottomless well of hypocrisy. As God intended.
You may have also noted a few other not-technically-great things happening lately, from a circuit court ruling that President Trump is not immune from prosecution to the head of the Republican National Committee stepping down.
'Take Back the Border' convoy failed:Goofy 'God's Army' convoy on Texas border shows Trump's MAGA movement is just one long con
We assure you these issues will be advantages in the presidential election. The immunity ruling shows the Deep State is out to get Trump by forcing him to be held accountable, and accountability is a known socialist tactic.
While we’re busy doing nothing to make things better or improve anyone’s quality of life, we won’t just be sitting on our hands. (Unless Mr. Trump directs us to sit on our hands, in which case we will definitely do that, because it would be an excellent idea, probably the smartest idea anyone has ever had.)
Just last week, more than 60 of us signed a resolution declaring that President Trump “did not engage in insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or give aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.”
That was intended to help the only American who matters: Mr. Fantastic President Trump.
Forget the Supreme Court.Voters will be the ones to rid us of Trump.
Next week we might sign a resolution declaring that Joe Biden “is the literal worst and is not qualified to be president because he suuuuuucccckkks.” Who knows? We’ve got plenty more where that came from.
The bottom line is we’re just biding time until President Trump gets back in here and starts telling us what to do to Make America Great Again, Again.
And if anyone says, “Well, what if Trump doesn’t win?”…don’t you sweat that even a little. We’ll be well rested by the time the election results come in.
We never admitted he lost last time. What in the heck do you think we’re going to do this time around?
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
The GOP can't govern, and doesn't want to, thanks to Trump
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12.02.2024
A quick message to the American people, from your always-hard-at-work Republican Party:
Some of you may have noticed that we, your Republican lawmakers in Congress, have not been doing a great deal of successful “governing” lately. For example, last week we killed the bipartisan Senate border bill that we had previously demanded, then we failed to impeach Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for…things, and then we failed to pass a standalone package that would provide aid to Israel.
We want to let our supporters know this intentional uselessness is all part of the plan. We will be doing nothing – zero, nada, zippo – between now and the November presidential election because our boss, the amazing and strong President Donald Trump, told us to ixnay on governing.
Look at it this way: If we were to pass legislation that in any way makes Americans’ lives better or helps America in general, it might make communist, Marxist, socialist President Joe Biden (BOOOOOOO!) look good. And that’s a non-starter because........
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