It’s my third time around, and I have finally discovered the key to parenting a teenage child. If you want to keep them close, and know what is going on in their lives, you need to manifest an invisibility cloak, and wear it around their friends.
It’s the simplest magic trick you’ll ever perform, and as effective as any Harry Potter spell. If you stay very still, and desist from making any sudden movements or sounds, your invisibility cloak will materialise. The teens will not be able to see you at all; at least, they will act like they cannot see or hear you. They will quickly forget that you are there in the room – or forget that you are an actual sentient being – and they will begin talking freely as though you are not there.
I’ve created my own version of Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak as a parenting tool.Credit:
And this is invaluable. As the parent of a teen, you know what you know, but you have no idea what you don’t know about their lives. Being invisible helps you to stay informed, by allowing you to hover on the outskirts and listen to their conversations. If you’re lucky, you’ll hear reassuring little snippets, like “that maths homework was really hard,” and “Mr Peters is an awesome teacher.” If you’re unlucky, you’ll hear, “I’m scoring Special K tonight”, or “does this ID look real to you?” or “who do you think is the father?”
Either way, it’s important information.
I become invisible when my teen and her friends are gathered in the living room, chatting, and laughing and eating pizza. I move very quietly around them, blending into the furniture, looking studiously disinterested but remaining alert.
“Bro,” one of them is saying. “You are so into her.”
Teenagers don’t tend to listen to their parents. But that doesn’t mean we can’t listen to them.Credit: iStockphoto
“I am not!” the other replies.
“Ha! Cringe,” says a third, holding up her phone.
I become invisible when the kids are in the car, and I’m up the front, as anonymous as a chauffeur. On a recent trip to the water park, my teen and her friends seemed so oblivious to my presence that I wondered who on earth they thought was driving. They talked excitedly and uninhibitedly for the entire hour-and-a-half round trip about some romance scandal, and I soaked it all in, my hands on the wheel, my eyes on the road, and my ears tingling.
As a middle-aged woman, I am supposed to rail against invisibility. As a parent, however, I find it extremely useful. My daughter is a wonderful human, and I trust her implicitly, but she is growing up so fast I find it difficult to keep up. She was ten about a minute ago, and twelve just three seconds ago, and suddenly, she is old enough to learn to drive. Next year, she will become a legal adult. By the time I finish writing this column, she will be married with children of her own.
My invisibility cloak helps me to stay connected to her. I see my daughter and her friends interact, and am warmed by the closeness between them. I hear their stories about their group chats and their escapades and their secrets, and I am reminded that they are on the verge of adulthood, but also still on the cusp of childhood. I learn that Carly is a bitch, and that Mr Ellis is a moron, and that they are excited for camp, and that Special K is not, in fact, a breakfast cereal at all.
Sometimes I get too comfortable in my invisibility cloak, and I forget that I’m wearing it. The kids are talking and giggling around me, and I begin to think that I’m one of their posse. That’s when I make a serious mistake, like laughing at a private joke I’m not supposed to have heard, or offering up a hilarious anecdote on my own. And then my daughter looks directly at me for the first time since her friends arrived, and it’s not in an “I’m so proud of having such a cool mum” way, it’s more like “God, Mum, please don’t speak to my friends”, and I don my cloak once more.
Parenting is challenging, and parenting teens is the most challenging of all. So much of my life is spent agonising over the right rules, the right responses, the right words. But sometimes, just quietly fading into the background is the best course of action of all.
Kerri Sackville is an author, columnist and a mother of three.
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The magic trick to parenting teens is hiding in plain sight
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16.01.2024
It’s my third time around, and I have finally discovered the key to parenting a teenage child. If you want to keep them close, and know what is going on in their lives, you need to manifest an invisibility cloak, and wear it around their friends.
It’s the simplest magic trick you’ll ever perform, and as effective as any Harry Potter spell. If you stay very still, and desist from making any sudden movements or sounds, your invisibility cloak will materialise. The teens will not be able to see you at all; at least, they will act like they cannot see or hear you. They will quickly forget that you are there in the room – or forget that you are an actual sentient being – and they will begin talking freely as though you are not there.
I’ve created my own version of Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak as a parenting tool.Credit:
And this is invaluable. As the parent of a teen, you know what you know, but you have no idea what you don’t know about their lives. Being invisible helps you to stay informed, by allowing you to hover on the outskirts and listen to their conversations. If you’re lucky,........
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