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He came to Iowa. To all the counties. I believe the Iowa term for this is “a full Grassley.” Well, Ron did a full Grassley! “We’ve done it the right way,” he insisted in his West Des Moines headquarters on Saturday to a group of sup- and reporters who had been dazed into submission by hearing “Thunderstruck” play at a volume that should only be legal at rock concerts. “That’s the way this process is supposed to work.”
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He delivered a speech, as required by law, mentioning George Washington (with approval) and concluding, “If not us, then who? If not now, then when?” All political speeches must contain this sentiment, and Ron put in the sentiment just as required! Also words about what we need to do to the sacred fire of liberty (preserve it) and whether he will let us down (he won’t). He offered voters little fans with his name on them! He offered them fliers, addressed to “Soul-Searching Trump Supporters,” and they include two Bible verses, a picture of the DeSantis family and, on the back, a promise that Ron “WILL Castrate Federal Agencies.” That’s got to count for something!
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He has displayed charisma and human interaction. He has brought child and wife out to campaign! Child has even delivered remarks in some places. He has waved and devoured fairground meal. He has even produced smile! He has stood in front of flag! He has interacted with protester! He has blasted original Billy Dean song with same title as his super PAC, “Never Back Down.” That should do it! Shouldn’t it?
He has gone all over the state to show them face and offer them hand! He obtained cheerful introduction from radio personality Steve Deace, who is proclaiming that “your psy-op polls aren’t going to determine who the next leader is,” and Rep. Chip Roy (R-Tex.) telling listeners that he missed his child winning a 4H prize to be here instead. Where are the voters? It says in the manual (the same manual that sent him to Yale, Harvard Law School and the Navy!) that he gets to be the president now. What about this don’t the Iowans understand? What about this don’t Americans understand?
Surely he did everything right. Look, here he is, in Iowa, running for president. He did the Grassley. He wrote Book with Patriotic Title: “The Courage to Be Free.” Book included lines like “I was geographically raised in Tampa Bay, but culturally my upbringing reflected the working-class communities in western Pennsylvania and northeast Ohio — from weekly church attendance to the expectation that one would earn his keep. This made me God-fearing, hard-working and America-loving.” Well, doesn’t that do it, then?
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He has to be president now! It’s the law! Look at the little flier with the Bible quotes on the back, listing all he did! “Stopped Schools Promoting Porn … Promotes a Culture of Life … Stopped the Covid Lockdowns.” He’s not just saying this! Every line on this dinky little flier is something he made happen in the world, to real people, and that’s not enough? Look at the dictionaries being pulled from Florida shelves for review! Look at the woman who was forced to give birth to a nonviable fetus against her doctor’s wishes! Look at Florida’s covid death toll! He did all this in real life, to actual people!
He did all this so he could be here in Iowa, hand you this flier and be the president. And now it’s caucus night and he’s standing here, watching the numbers roll in, and the numbers aren’t right! Do they know the numbers aren’t right? What does he need to do? Another speech? Another song? What is enough? Should he ban more books? Kidnap another plane of people? Does he need to be taller? Just tell him what it is; he’ll do it! See if he won’t!
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DES MOINES, IOWA — Ron doesn’t understand. He did everything right. He completed the courtship ritual and displayed his plumage in the time-honored fashion. Now Iowa is supposed to waddle over and let him deposit his eggs. He bobbed and weaved and arranged his scavenged baubles into a pleasing triangular formation! He inflated his throat wattles — where are the Iowans? Where is his groundswell!
He came to Iowa. To all the counties. I believe the Iowa term for this is “a full Grassley.” Well, Ron did a full Grassley! “We’ve done it the right way,” he insisted in his West Des Moines headquarters on Saturday to a group of sup- and reporters who had been dazed into submission by hearing “Thunderstruck” play at a volume that should only be legal at rock concerts. “That’s the way this process is supposed to work.”
He delivered a speech, as required by law, mentioning George Washington (with approval) and concluding, “If not us, then who? If not now, then when?” All political speeches must contain this sentiment, and Ron put in the sentiment just as required! Also words about what we need to do to the sacred fire of liberty (preserve it) and whether he will let us down (he won’t). He offered voters little fans with his name on them! He offered them fliers, addressed to “Soul-Searching Trump Supporters,” and they include two Bible verses, a picture of the DeSantis family and, on the back, a promise that Ron “WILL Castrate Federal Agencies.” That’s got to count for something!
He has displayed charisma and human interaction. He has brought child and wife out to campaign! Child has even delivered remarks in some places. He has waved and devoured fairground meal. He has even produced smile! He has stood in front of flag! He has interacted with protester! He has blasted original Billy Dean song with same title as his super PAC, “Never Back Down.” That should do it! Shouldn’t it?
He has gone all over the state to show them face and offer them hand! He obtained cheerful introduction from radio personality Steve Deace, who is proclaiming that “your psy-op polls aren’t going to determine who the next leader is,” and Rep. Chip Roy (R-Tex.) telling listeners that he missed his child winning a 4H prize to be here instead. Where are the voters? It says in the manual (the same manual that sent him to Yale, Harvard Law School and the Navy!) that he gets to be the president now. What about this don’t the Iowans understand? What about this don’t Americans understand?
Surely he did everything right. Look, here he is, in Iowa, running for president. He did the Grassley. He wrote Book with Patriotic Title: “The Courage to Be Free.” Book included lines like “I was geographically raised in Tampa Bay, but culturally my upbringing reflected the working-class communities in western Pennsylvania and northeast Ohio — from weekly church attendance to the expectation that one would earn his keep. This made me God-fearing, hard-working and America-loving.” Well, doesn’t that do it, then?
He has to be president now! It’s the law! Look at the little flier with the Bible quotes on the back, listing all he did! “Stopped Schools Promoting Porn … Promotes a Culture of Life … Stopped the Covid Lockdowns.” He’s not just saying this! Every line on this dinky little flier is something he made happen in the world, to real people, and that’s not enough? Look at the dictionaries being pulled from Florida shelves for review! Look at the woman who was forced to give birth to a nonviable fetus against her doctor’s wishes! Look at Florida’s covid death toll! He did all this in real life, to actual people!
He did all this so he could be here in Iowa, hand you this flier and be the president. And now it’s caucus night and he’s standing here, watching the numbers roll in, and the numbers aren’t right! Do they know the numbers aren’t right? What does he need to do? Another speech? Another song? What is enough? Should he ban more books? Kidnap another plane of people? Does he need to be taller? Just tell him what it is; he’ll do it! See if he won’t!
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