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ELMO: Hello, Mr. Bartender! Elmo would like something to drink, please!
BARTENDER: Sure, Elmo.
ELMO: The strongest drink you have.
BARTENDER hands ELMO a glass of lemonade in a sweatband that is visibly shoulder-pressing two enormous weights.
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ELMO: Perfect! Elmo needed a strong drink to help him after this week.
STRONG LEMONADE: How can I help, Elmo?
BARTENDER: Do you want a non-anthropomorphic drink as well, Elmo?
ELMO: Yes, please! In addition to the strong drink, can Elmo have a non-anthropomorphic glass of ice water?
BARTENDER: Sure thing.
BARTENDER hands ELMO a normal glass of ice water.
ELMO: Thank you, Mr. Bartender!
STRONG LEMONADE: How can we help you, Elmo?
ELMO: Elmo is full of regret. Elmo is experiencing a dark night of the soul. Elmo asked on X —
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STRONG LEMONADE: The letter X?
The LETTER X, also anthropomorphic, is sitting at the end of the bar nursing a vodka on the rocks.
LETTER X: No! Something different! DON’T TALK ABOUT IT.
ELMO: Sorry, X. Anyway, Elmo asked everyone how they were doing.
BIG BIRD enters with COUNT VON COUNT, and BERT and ERNIE.
BIG BIRD: How were they doing, Elmo?
ELMO: Not well. Not well at all.
BARTENDER: Oh?
ELMO: Everyone wanted to tell Elmo how they were doing. More than 60,000 people responded to Elmo! And everyone was doing very poorly. People said they were at their lowest point ... There were so many responses, and they were all so sad! Even the president responded and said it was hard to sweep away the clouds.
LEMONADE: That sounds tough!
ELMO: It was tough, Lemonade. Like being handed lots and lots of lemons.
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ELMO: Elmo feels like Elmo is gazing into a big, deep hole from which nothing emerges!
BIG BIRD: Not even light?
ELMO: Not even light.
COUNT VON COUNT: Not even a bat?
ELMO: Not even a bat.
ERNIE: Not even a rubber ducky?
ELMO: Not even a rubber ducky.
A chime sounds.
BIG BIRD: Oh, Elmo, it’s time for the letter of the day!
ELMO: The letter of the day is … “O.”
ERNIE: O is for octopus?
ELMO: Sure! And if you say O by itself, Elmo has discovered, it can be a cry of metaphysical distress. O! O!
BIG BIRD: It sounds like you’re gazing into the abyss, Elmo.
ELMO: Yes! Elmo is gazing into the abyss!
ERNIE: Oh, that’s no good, Elmo! All that emerges from the abyss is existential despair!
FOZZIE (Entering.): Bear? This bear?
ELMO: No. Existential despair.
FOZZIE: Oh.
FOZZIE leaves.
ELMO: Elmo doesn’t know what to do. Elmo wishes he could help. But it is all so heavy, and Elmo is not strong enough, even with the metal rods holding his arms up. Maybe Elmo is experiencing this despair.
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COUNT VON COUNT: One! One despair!
BERT: When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. Friedrich Nietzsche.
BIG BIRD: Nietzsche? How do you spell Nietzsche?
COUNT VON COUNT: One, two, three, four, five! Five consonants in a row. Ah-ah-ah!
ELMO: Wait! Wait! Elmo wants to understand! If Elmo gazes into the abyss, then the abyss gazes also into Elmo? So maybe the abyss can see Elmo?
BERT: I guess.
ELMO: Hello, abyss! Everybody say hello to the abyss! Hello, abyss!
ABYSS: Hello.
ELMO: Abyss, are you sad, too?
ABYSS: Om-nom-nom! I am full of existential despair.
ELMO: Elmo thought he was alone! Big Bird, are you gazing into the abyss?
BIG BIRD: Oh, yes.
ELMO: Ernie, are you gazing into the abyss?
ERNIE: I am, and so is Rubber Ducky.
ELMO: And if the whole internet is gazing into the abyss, except Chance the Rapper, who said he was doing well, then — Elmo is not alone after all! Even the abyss is not alone! You can gaze into the abyss with me! We can all gaze into the abyss together.
BIG BIRD: Hooray!
BERT: But Elmo, we’re all still gazing into the abyss.
ELMO: Yes. But Elmo has to start somewhere.
They stare into the abyss together. The lemonade does more presses. We fade out except for the letters, “BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER O!”
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A bar. Night. There is an empty stool at the end. ELMO enters.
BARTENDER: Elmo?
ELMO: Hello, Mr. Bartender! Elmo would like something to drink, please!
BARTENDER: Sure, Elmo.
ELMO: The strongest drink you have.
BARTENDER hands ELMO a glass of lemonade in a sweatband that is visibly shoulder-pressing two enormous weights.
ELMO: Perfect! Elmo needed a strong drink to help him after this week.
STRONG LEMONADE: How can I help, Elmo?
BARTENDER: Do you want a non-anthropomorphic drink as well, Elmo?
ELMO: Yes, please! In addition to the strong drink, can Elmo have a non-anthropomorphic glass of ice water?
BARTENDER: Sure thing.
BARTENDER hands ELMO a normal glass of ice water.
ELMO: Thank you, Mr. Bartender!
STRONG LEMONADE: How can we help you, Elmo?
ELMO: Elmo is full of regret. Elmo is experiencing a dark night of the soul. Elmo asked on X —
STRONG LEMONADE: The letter X?
The LETTER X, also anthropomorphic, is sitting at the end of the bar nursing a vodka on the rocks.
LETTER X: No! Something different! DON’T TALK ABOUT IT.
ELMO: Sorry, X. Anyway, Elmo asked everyone how they were doing.
BIG BIRD enters with COUNT VON COUNT, and BERT and ERNIE.
BIG BIRD: How were they doing, Elmo?
ELMO: Not well. Not well at all.
BARTENDER: Oh?
ELMO: Everyone wanted to tell Elmo how they were doing. More than 60,000 people responded to Elmo! And everyone was doing very poorly. People said they were at their lowest point ... There were so many responses, and they were all so sad! Even the president responded and said it was hard to sweep away the clouds.
LEMONADE: That sounds tough!
ELMO: It was tough, Lemonade. Like being handed lots and lots of lemons.
ELMO: Elmo feels like Elmo is gazing into a big, deep hole from which nothing emerges!
BIG BIRD: Not even light?
ELMO: Not even light.
COUNT VON COUNT: Not even a bat?
ELMO: Not even a bat.
ERNIE: Not even a rubber ducky?
ELMO: Not even a rubber ducky.
A chime sounds.
BIG BIRD: Oh, Elmo, it’s time for the letter of the day!
ELMO: The letter of the day is … “O.”
ERNIE: O is for octopus?
ELMO: Sure! And if you say O by itself, Elmo has discovered, it can be a cry of metaphysical distress. O! O!
BIG BIRD: It sounds like you’re gazing into the abyss, Elmo.
ELMO: Yes! Elmo is gazing into the abyss!
ERNIE: Oh, that’s no good, Elmo! All that emerges from the abyss is existential despair!
FOZZIE (Entering.): Bear? This bear?
ELMO: No. Existential despair.
FOZZIE: Oh.
FOZZIE leaves.
ELMO: Elmo doesn’t know what to do. Elmo wishes he could help. But it is all so heavy, and Elmo is not strong enough, even with the metal rods holding his arms up. Maybe Elmo is experiencing this despair.
COUNT VON COUNT: One! One despair!
BERT: When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. Friedrich Nietzsche.
BIG BIRD: Nietzsche? How do you spell Nietzsche?
COUNT VON COUNT: One, two, three, four, five! Five consonants in a row. Ah-ah-ah!
ELMO: Wait! Wait! Elmo wants to understand! If Elmo gazes into the abyss, then the abyss gazes also into Elmo? So maybe the abyss can see Elmo?
BERT: I guess.
ELMO: Hello, abyss! Everybody say hello to the abyss! Hello, abyss!
ABYSS: Hello.
ELMO: Abyss, are you sad, too?
ABYSS: Om-nom-nom! I am full of existential despair.
ELMO: Elmo thought he was alone! Big Bird, are you gazing into the abyss?
BIG BIRD: Oh, yes.
ELMO: Ernie, are you gazing into the abyss?
ERNIE: I am, and so is Rubber Ducky.
ELMO: And if the whole internet is gazing into the abyss, except Chance the Rapper, who said he was doing well, then — Elmo is not alone after all! Even the abyss is not alone! You can gaze into the abyss with me! We can all gaze into the abyss together.
BIG BIRD: Hooray!
BERT: But Elmo, we’re all still gazing into the abyss.
ELMO: Yes. But Elmo has to start somewhere.
They stare into the abyss together. The lemonade does more presses. We fade out except for the letters, “BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER O!”
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