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3. For the past 50 years?
4. Tell us more about the hole in which you have resided. What are the dimensions of the hole? Is it comfortable? Do you get Netflix? Can we join you there?
5. But, seriously, how have you spent the past several decades of life? Please choose from the following:
(a) Under the misapprehension that Y2K would soon bring about the end of the world, I have been in a bunker sealed off entirely from the outside world for three decades, but I just ran out of shelf-stable beans and had to emerge. Very sad news about O.J., my favorite football star, whom I’m sure we all remember fondly exclusively for football!
(b) I was cryogenically frozen in a lab accident, but nobody realized what had happened until last year, when they were conducting a long-overdue deep clean of the facility. I sort of wish they’d just left me in there, but I’m excited that jeans fashion came back around to exactly where it was when I got put in the vat!
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(c) I gave up reading the news for my New Year’s resolution in 1979 and I’ve stuck to it ever since. I just finished reading all of Proust and I go on so many walks in nature. Want to see my blood pressure?
(d) I was, until recently, a bird, due to a complicated curse that we don’t need to get into right now. But I just found true love and turned back! This case is my first reintroduction to the world of humans!
(e) I can’t say … I really can’t say. Well … but no! No, I mustn’t. No, I simply can’t. You must not ask me! Don’t ask!
(f) I am a secret agent and I have been embedded in this country under special instructions to absorb no news and tell no one of my mission. Oh — oops.
(g) Other.
6. You seriously don’t have a strong opinion about Donald Trump? What has been your source of news? Select all that apply:
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(a) Whenever they update “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” I make guesses based on the new verses.
(b) Ocean Spray bottle caps.
(c) The normal way: The FBI beams it directly into my brain and I learn all that I need.
(d) My mother-in-law’s Facebook, but only the comments on the posts, not the posts themselves.
(e) The pigeons tell me.
(f) Town crier.
8. You seriously don’t have any preconceived notions about Donald Trump?
(a) No, but now that I see him, I don’t like his looks.
(b) No, but now that I see him there with his eyes shut looking so peaceful, I LOVE HIM and must protect him at all costs.
(c) No, I do! I just thought it would stress you out if I said I didn’t. This was fun for me.
9. If you do have preconceived notions about Donald Trump, can you set them aside to serve as a juror?
(a) I thought I wasn’t allowed to get rid of preconceived notions in this country any longer.
(b) Sure I can, ever since I got the “Clockwork Orange” treatment! This trial should be fine as long as nobody plays any Beethoven.
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Well, Donald Trump’s first criminal trial is beginning and they’re picking a jury. We know the 42 questions potential jurors in the former president’s trial in Manhattan were asked. They made sense. They included: “Which of the following print publications, cable and/or network programs, or online media, such as websites, blogs, or social media platforms do you visit, read, or watch?” “Do you have any feelings or opinions about how Mr. Trump is being treated in this case?”
But I was haunted by question 34: “Do you have any strong opinions or firmly held beliefs about former President Donald Trump, or the fact that he is a current candidate for president that would interfere with your ability to be a fair and impartial juror?” That second clause is doing a lot of work, but I’m wondering about the first clause. Is it possible to find someone who does not? I have even more questions for anyone with a positive answer to this question. Indeed, I have more questions, in general. They go something like this.
1. Wait, you don’t have any strong opinions or firmly held beliefs about Donald Trump?
2. Have you been living in a hole for the past 20 years?
3. For the past 50 years?
4. Tell us more about the hole in which you have resided. What are the dimensions of the hole? Is it comfortable? Do you get Netflix? Can we join you there?
5. But, seriously, how have you spent the past several decades of life? Please choose from the following:
(a) Under the misapprehension that Y2K would soon bring about the end of the world, I have been in a bunker sealed off entirely from the outside world for three decades, but I just ran out of shelf-stable beans and had to emerge. Very sad news about O.J., my favorite football star, whom I’m sure we all remember fondly exclusively for football!
(b) I was cryogenically frozen in a lab accident, but nobody realized what had happened until last year, when they were conducting a long-overdue deep clean of the facility. I sort of wish they’d just left me in there, but I’m excited that jeans fashion came back around to exactly where it was when I got put in the vat!
(c) I gave up reading the news for my New Year’s resolution in 1979 and I’ve stuck to it ever since. I just finished reading all of Proust and I go on so many walks in nature. Want to see my blood pressure?
(d) I was, until recently, a bird, due to a complicated curse that we don’t need to get into right now. But I just found true love and turned back! This case is my first reintroduction to the world of humans!
(e) I can’t say … I really can’t say. Well … but no! No, I mustn’t. No, I simply can’t. You must not ask me! Don’t ask!
(f) I am a secret agent and I have been embedded in this country under special instructions to absorb no news and tell no one of my mission. Oh — oops.
(g) Other.
6. You seriously don’t have a strong opinion about Donald Trump? What has been your source of news? Select all that apply:
(a) Whenever they update “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” I make guesses based on the new verses.
(b) Ocean Spray bottle caps.
(c) The normal way: The FBI beams it directly into my brain and I learn all that I need.
(d) My mother-in-law’s Facebook, but only the comments on the posts, not the posts themselves.
(e) The pigeons tell me.
(f) Town crier.
8. You seriously don’t have any preconceived notions about Donald Trump?
(a) No, but now that I see him, I don’t like his looks.
(b) No, but now that I see him there with his eyes shut looking so peaceful, I LOVE HIM and must protect him at all costs.
(c) No, I do! I just thought it would stress you out if I said I didn’t. This was fun for me.
9. If you do have preconceived notions about Donald Trump, can you set them aside to serve as a juror?
(a) I thought I wasn’t allowed to get rid of preconceived notions in this country any longer.
(b) Sure I can, ever since I got the “Clockwork Orange” treatment! This trial should be fine as long as nobody plays any Beethoven.
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