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Trump Wine: This wine was made in 1472 by the original inventor of wine right before he died, so it is extra rare, even rarer than an 1869 Château Lafite-Rothschild, although if you want some of that instead, it is that. Indeed, pretend that is what we said it was initially. We can’t bear to part with it. This wine is so wonderful! (We will, though, for the right price.)
Hotel: Full of spies and, conveniently for the spies, classified documents. Pretty close to the lago and not far from the mar!
Box o’ Docs: We have lots of these exciting mystery boxes. Some contain really important, interesting papers, whereas others are duds. So you’d better buy several in the hopes of getting something cool, such as a list of our intelligence assets or a chocolate frog. We have as many boxes of these as you have dollars!
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Rudy Giuliani’s Soul in a Small Glass Bottle: Unclear how this got into the properties, but someone found it among the papers next to an empty bottle of hair dye, and we aren’t going to ask questions.
One of Those Cursed Red Christmas Trees From Melania’s White House Decor: I was not looking at this, and when I looked back, it had moved! Please buy this; I am scared of it.
Hat: Big, red with white letters.
Ties: Also red. Worn by a celebrity!
Assorted Golf Shirts: These all technically do have letters on them, too, but the letters are very easy to remove. They include a P and a T, a great start if you want a shirt that says “pterodactyl” and cannot spell.
Lindsey Graham’s Integrity: This also comes in Mitch McConnell and Tim Scott, if those flavors are more appealing.
The Republican National Committee: We are in the process of stripping this for parts anyway, but if you can see a use for it, we’d be happy to part with it!
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Trump University Diplomas: We will make them say anything! They are also absorbent if that’s helpful for any reason.
Highway: Trump once adopted a highway, and the highway is grown up enough to strike out on its own, he feels. If you would like to be the new place this highway goes for Thanksgiving for stilted conversation, he’d be willing to part with it.
Rights to Miss USA Competition: We don’t technically still have these, but we will accept money for them anyway! Just give us money! We can say we got confused! We really need money.
Presidential Futures: Listen, we aren’t saying that Trump is definitely going to be the next president, but we don’t hate our odds. Have you ever thought, “I’d sure like to have a president owe me so much money that the only way he could ever hope to repay was to hold me as far above the law as possible”? Well, I am not saying that your largesse right now could have that effect, because I think technically that might be against the law to promise. But after just two easy payments of $232 million … who can say?! Just think about it, is all!
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Donald Trump needs money, and he needs it quickly! Everyone keeps saying no to his requests to borrow on the grounds that they want to see their money again and that giving money to Trump has historically been like sending it to sail off the flat side of the Earth.
So if you’ve ever been interested in buying a Trump property, now is the time! Act now — before the state of New York does — and add any of the following exciting investments to your portfolio today!
Tower: Lightly used, escalator included! If you love brass fixtures, you are going to love this place. Free brass letters convey but don’t need to. (Say you run a RUM store or a store that sells TP? If you sell turnips, talk to us — we can figure something out.)
Beautiful Golf Course: This one comes with a battlefield monument. Currently, it claims to have been the site of the “River of Blood,” but this is entirely fictional, and you can easily replace it with a plaque commemorating a favorite imaginary event of your choosing.
Plane: Unfortunately, this is a Boeing, because our luck is not holding. But just because a brand falls on hard times, that doesn’t mean that it has been out to swindle you all along with no regard for the trail of broken lives it leaves in its wake. It does in some cases, but not always!
Trump Wine: This wine was made in 1472 by the original inventor of wine right before he died, so it is extra rare, even rarer than an 1869 Château Lafite-Rothschild, although if you want some of that instead, it is that. Indeed, pretend that is what we said it was initially. We can’t bear to part with it. This wine is so wonderful! (We will, though, for the right price.)
Hotel: Full of spies and, conveniently for the spies, classified documents. Pretty close to the lago and not far from the mar!
Box o’ Docs: We have lots of these exciting mystery boxes. Some contain really important, interesting papers, whereas others are duds. So you’d better buy several in the hopes of getting something cool, such as a list of our intelligence assets or a chocolate frog. We have as many boxes of these as you have dollars!
Rudy Giuliani’s Soul in a Small Glass Bottle: Unclear how this got into the properties, but someone found it among the papers next to an empty bottle of hair dye, and we aren’t going to ask questions.
One of Those Cursed Red Christmas Trees From Melania’s White House Decor: I was not looking at this, and when I looked back, it had moved! Please buy this; I am scared of it.
Hat: Big, red with white letters.
Ties: Also red. Worn by a celebrity!
Assorted Golf Shirts: These all technically do have letters on them, too, but the letters are very easy to remove. They include a P and a T, a great start if you want a shirt that says “pterodactyl” and cannot spell.
Lindsey Graham’s Integrity: This also comes in Mitch McConnell and Tim Scott, if those flavors are more appealing.
The Republican National Committee: We are in the process of stripping this for parts anyway, but if you can see a use for it, we’d be happy to part with it!
Trump University Diplomas: We will make them say anything! They are also absorbent if that’s helpful for any reason.
Highway: Trump once adopted a highway, and the highway is grown up enough to strike out on its own, he feels. If you would like to be the new place this highway goes for Thanksgiving for stilted conversation, he’d be willing to part with it.
Rights to Miss USA Competition: We don’t technically still have these, but we will accept money for them anyway! Just give us money! We can say we got confused! We really need money.
Presidential Futures: Listen, we aren’t saying that Trump is definitely going to be the next president, but we don’t hate our odds. Have you ever thought, “I’d sure like to have a president owe me so much money that the only way he could ever hope to repay was to hold me as far above the law as possible”? Well, I am not saying that your largesse right now could have that effect, because I think technically that might be against the law to promise. But after just two easy payments of $232 million … who can say?! Just think about it, is all!
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