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The Tower of Babel: It was no Trump Tower.
Abraham: Abram had a very old wife. Much too old! Much too old. Embarrassing for Abram, the age of this woman. And she wanted to have children, which, disgusting. But Abram said, “Why not!” And God said, “Sure.” And they had a son. Fine for them, I guess. God said, “Sacrifice me the son!” And Abraham said, “Sure.” That’s loyalty, folks. We love to see loyalty.
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Jacob’s Dream: Jacob did lay his head upon something hard and uncomfortable like unto a stone, and Jacob did say, “Wow! I love MyPillow!”
Joseph’s Coat: Joseph got a coat from his father. Very ostentatious! Maybe too ostentatious. And he had dreams. Sleepy Joe, we call him. Bundles of grain bowing down and fat cows coming up out of the river, I mean, what the hell is this guy talking about? Some call them nightmares, like the American Dream has become.
The Plagues of Egypt: Plagues, folks! Ten of them! Hail, locusts, frogs, darkness, death of the firstborn, pestilence, lice, flies, boils, and, of course, the bloodbath, folks. The water turned to blood, and it was a bloodbath for the whole country. A metaphor for the auto industry, of course.
Numbers: [The book of Numbers is mostly preserved, except none of them are accurate any longer, according to the New York attorney general.]
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King Solomon Splits the Baby: Two women, folks! Arguing over a baby. And King Solomon said, “I have an idea! Let’s cut the baby in half!” Shall we do it, folks? Let’s cut one in half. Who has a baby?
Jesus’ Ministry: There was a man named Jesus. Satan offered him a lot of real estate one time, which also happened to Donald Trump, but Jesus wasn’t smart enough to make the deal. Unlike Donald Trump, he got along well with tax collectors, owned no Manhattan property and was born in a barn. “Suffer the little children,” he said. “Suffer the little children.” But he meant it the opposite way.
The Wedding at Cana: Jesus went to a wedding, and they ran out of wine, but there was water. And he did touch the water and nothing happened to it, but he charged $10.99 for it anyway because it was Water Touched By God.
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The Beatitudes: Blessed are the poor, but I think the rich are more blessed. Even more blessed to be rich. The poor, they say the poor will inherit the earth. Maybe! The poor had better have good lawyers. Blessed are the meek? Mm, I don’t think so. I’ve never heard of them. I don’t think they can be all that blessed. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. No, thank you. No mercy. Who wrote this? This is no good.
The Golden Rule: Love your neighbor as yourself.
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“Happy Holy Week!" former president Donald Trump wrote this week on Truth Social. “Let’s Make America Pray Again. As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless the USA Bible.” The God Bless the USA Bible costs $59.99.
I recently got a peek inside, and some things seemed a little different. You would think that a book in which all the parts about loving your neighbor as yourself had been removed and all the “not’s” omitted from the Ten Commandments would be cheaper than a regular Bible, but that shows what I know. Here are just a few classic stories in their improved Trump Bible retelling!
The Creation: In the beginning, God created Mar-a-Lago. And then God said, “Let there be Light,” so that people could look at Mar-a-Lago and admire it. And then God said, “No, that Light is too much. Do not pay the lighting guy.” And then God created lots of other places, plants and birds and lots of things like that, and lots of real estate, but God ruined it by filling up with animals. Some call them people. But we don’t, do we? Not everyone is people.
Cain and Abel: And Cain did smite Abel, very peacefully and very patriotically, and God said, “We like this Cain fellow, don’t we, folks! We like the ones who don’t get smote, don’t we.” And Abel’s blood cried out from the earth, from wherever. Very weak, we hate to see it. And God said, “Let’s have Cain sing at my rally.” And God was so happy about Cain, he said, “Get me more guys like this guy! Cain is from central casting.” And he promised to pardon him the first chance he got.
The Tower of Babel: It was no Trump Tower.
Abraham: Abram had a very old wife. Much too old! Much too old. Embarrassing for Abram, the age of this woman. And she wanted to have children, which, disgusting. But Abram said, “Why not!” And God said, “Sure.” And they had a son. Fine for them, I guess. God said, “Sacrifice me the son!” And Abraham said, “Sure.” That’s loyalty, folks. We love to see loyalty.
Jacob’s Dream: Jacob did lay his head upon something hard and uncomfortable like unto a stone, and Jacob did say, “Wow! I love MyPillow!”
Joseph’s Coat: Joseph got a coat from his father. Very ostentatious! Maybe too ostentatious. And he had dreams. Sleepy Joe, we call him. Bundles of grain bowing down and fat cows coming up out of the river, I mean, what the hell is this guy talking about? Some call them nightmares, like the American Dream has become.
The Plagues of Egypt: Plagues, folks! Ten of them! Hail, locusts, frogs, darkness, death of the firstborn, pestilence, lice, flies, boils, and, of course, the bloodbath, folks. The water turned to blood, and it was a bloodbath for the whole country. A metaphor for the auto industry, of course.
Numbers: [The book of Numbers is mostly preserved, except none of them are accurate any longer, according to the New York attorney general.]
King Solomon Splits the Baby: Two women, folks! Arguing over a baby. And King Solomon said, “I have an idea! Let’s cut the baby in half!” Shall we do it, folks? Let’s cut one in half. Who has a baby?
Jesus’ Ministry: There was a man named Jesus. Satan offered him a lot of real estate one time, which also happened to Donald Trump, but Jesus wasn’t smart enough to make the deal. Unlike Donald Trump, he got along well with tax collectors, owned no Manhattan property and was born in a barn. “Suffer the little children,” he said. “Suffer the little children.” But he meant it the opposite way.
The Wedding at Cana: Jesus went to a wedding, and they ran out of wine, but there was water. And he did touch the water and nothing happened to it, but he charged $10.99 for it anyway because it was Water Touched By God.
The Beatitudes: Blessed are the poor, but I think the rich are more blessed. Even more blessed to be rich. The poor, they say the poor will inherit the earth. Maybe! The poor had better have good lawyers. Blessed are the meek? Mm, I don’t think so. I’ve never heard of them. I don’t think they can be all that blessed. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. No, thank you. No mercy. Who wrote this? This is no good.
The Golden Rule: Love your neighbor as yourself.
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