Need help navigating the Republican primaries? Get text updates from Karen Tumulty.ArrowRight
Over the course of the trial, the jurors will be picked up at a series of undisclosed locations and then driven to the court and brought in through the underground garage. They were instructed, Orden reported, not to “tell anyone, including family, that they are serving on this case.”
Advertisement
***
Follow this authorAlexandra Petri's opinionsFollow
DAY 1: You are waiting at the designated meeting spot with Kim, Thunderbolt and Striker.
“Mike reporting for duty,” you say. You immediately regret having chosen the fake name Mike, but in fairness, when you picked it, you did not realize that Thunderbolt or Striker would be options. You thought it was just regular names, a misapprehension Kim seemed to share.
“How’s it going ... Mike?” Thunderbolt asks.
“Bad,” you say. “My wife and boss are very confused, and I don’t think I picked much of a cover story at all. How are you, Thunderbolt?”
“Thunderbolt’s fine,” Thunderbolt says.
DAY 2: “Where do you go every day?” your wife asks.
You shrug. “I just go to hang out with Thunderbolt, Kim and Striker. My peers. Mine, and other people’s.”
“I think you should go to work instead,” your wife says.
DAY 3: “Why aren’t you at work?” your boss asks over the phone.
Advertisement
“I absolutely can’t be at work,” you say. “That being said, I cannot tell you what I’m doing. But after I am done doing it, I would sure like to come back to work.”
“Oh,” your boss says. “Well, you can’t. You’re fired.”
“No!” you say. “I am doing something important for the country.”
“Are you doing jury duty?”
You shrug mysteriously.
DAY 5: You wait at the pickup spot with Kim, Thunderbolt and Striker. There is a new person today. He introduces himself as Howard Johnson, which he says is just his real name.
When your ride arrives, he excuses himself. “Bye!” he says. “I’m going to watch all the Oscar-contender movies in theaters and have a long lunch! But I told everyone at work that I can’t come in because I’m on the Trump jury.”
“What a good idea,” Kim says. “We should all be doing that instead!”
Advertisement
“Everyone at work was so grateful for what I was doing for the country,” Howard says. “One man even offered me a giant briefcase full of money. And I took it! I said, ‘I will be sure to let this influence me,’ and I winked at him.”
“Thunderbolt thinks that was a bad idea,” Thunderbolt says.
“He does say he has my home address,” Howard Johnson says, “so, be sure you settle on a good verdict, or I might have to move.”
DAY 10: You are all waiting at the spot. “I have an announcement,” Striker says. “I don’t want to be Striker anymore. I want to be Gale Force Wind.”
“Oh,” you say, “if that’s the case, I want to be Thundermike.” Instantly you regret saying this.
“Okay, Thundermike,” says Gale Force Wind.
“Actually,” you say. “Never mind, Gale Force Wind. I will just be Mike.”
“Yeah,” Gale Force Wind says. “Actually, Striker is fine. I’m used to Striker now.”
Advertisement
“It’s bittersweet to think that we’ll never get to know who we really are,” Kim says.
“Thunderbolt thinks we’re learning the most important things we can know about another person,” Thunderbolt says: “How that person rules in a defamation trial of former president Donald Trump.”
“I would still like to know your names,” says Kim.
DAY 17: This morning, while you wait to get picked up, Striker and Kim try the 36 questions to Fall in love. It works. They are in love now.
Striker sobs on your shoulder as he processes his dilemma. “We don’t know each other’s names,” he says. “We don’t know anything about each other. How are we ever going to find one another again?”
DAY 31: The trial is at an end. You show up at work. “Hi,” you say. “The defamation trial of Donald Trump is over and, unrelatedly, I am now back at work and have no more conflicts.”
Advertisement
“Great,” your boss says. “You are still fired, though.”
“Good to have you home, Dave,” your wife says that night.
“It’s Mike,” you say. Then you remember: You’re just Dave now. “For a while, it was Thundermike,” you mumble.
“Huh?” your wife says.
“Nothing.”
DAY 32: You arrive at the pickup spot, on autopilot. It’s strange. So many mornings here with Kim, Thunderbolt and Striker. You stand there with your hands in your pockets. Nobody comes. You watch some newspaper blow down the sidewalk.
DAY 33: You arrive at the pickup spot one more time. After a few minutes, Thunderbolt joins you.
“Couldn’t help yourself,” Thunderbolt says. “Could you, Mike?”
“No,” you say. “I couldn’t.”
“It’s just not the same without evidence to evaluate in the company of your peers,” Thunderbolt says. “Thunderbolt’s day feels hollow without it. I think Thunderbolt became the mask and forgot that there was another way to live.”
Advertisement
Howard Johnson walks over. “Hey, Mike, Thunderbolt,” Howard Johnson says. “Everybody’s late today.”
“Oh,” you say. “No, the trial’s over, actually.”
“Oh, jeez,” Howard Johnson says. “For real?” He looks nervous. He pulls out his phone and googles the verdict. “Yikes,” he says. “I have to make a bunch of calls. And also move, probably.”
“I’m sorry,” you say. “How were the Oscar contenders?”
But Howard Johnson is too distracted to answer. He rushes off, skidding a little on the icy sidewalk.
“Well,” you say to Thunderbolt, “I guess I’ll see you.”
“As long as the former president keeps making all this necessary for people to perform their civic duty,” Thunderbolt says, “Thunderbolt will be around.”
You nod at each other. “So will Mike.”
Share Comments
More from Opinions
HAND CURATED
- Opinion|A Trump dictatorship is increasingly inevitable. We should stop pretending.November 30, 2023Opinion|A Trump dictatorship is increasingly inevitable. We should stop pretending.November 30, 2023
- Opinion|Snow days help make childhood magical. Now they’re melting away.January 16, 2024Opinion|Snow days help make childhood magical. Now they’re melting away.January 16, 2024
- Opinion|After a near-tragedy, Boeing needs to straighten up and fly rightJanuary 12, 2024Opinion|After a near-tragedy, Boeing needs to straighten up and fly rightJanuary 12, 2024
View 3 more stories
Loading...
Donald Trump is on civil trial for defamation in New York City as we speak, and thanks to the many threats Trump and his supporters have made, the jurors are reportedly experiencing their own ordeal.
Politico journalist Erica Orden tweeted that Judge Lewis A. Kaplan “explains to prospective jurors that this will be an anonymous jury, meaning no one including the parties, their lawyers, reporters or even the judge will know their real names. He also suggests they speak to each other using names other than their real ones.”
Over the course of the trial, the jurors will be picked up at a series of undisclosed locations and then driven to the court and brought in through the underground garage. They were instructed, Orden reported, not to “tell anyone, including family, that they are serving on this case.”
***
DAY 1: You are waiting at the designated meeting spot with Kim, Thunderbolt and Striker.
“Mike reporting for duty,” you say. You immediately regret having chosen the fake name Mike, but in fairness, when you picked it, you did not realize that Thunderbolt or Striker would be options. You thought it was just regular names, a misapprehension Kim seemed to share.
“How’s it going ... Mike?” Thunderbolt asks.
“Bad,” you say. “My wife and boss are very confused, and I don’t think I picked much of a cover story at all. How are you, Thunderbolt?”
“Thunderbolt’s fine,” Thunderbolt says.
DAY 2: “Where do you go every day?” your wife asks.
You shrug. “I just go to hang out with Thunderbolt, Kim and Striker. My peers. Mine, and other people’s.”
“I think you should go to work instead,” your wife says.
DAY 3: “Why aren’t you at work?” your boss asks over the phone.
“I absolutely can’t be at work,” you say. “That being said, I cannot tell you what I’m doing. But after I am done doing it, I would sure like to come back to work.”
“Oh,” your boss says. “Well, you can’t. You’re fired.”
“No!” you say. “I am doing something important for the country.”
“Are you doing jury duty?”
You shrug mysteriously.
DAY 5: You wait at the pickup spot with Kim, Thunderbolt and Striker. There is a new person today. He introduces himself as Howard Johnson, which he says is just his real name.
When your ride arrives, he excuses himself. “Bye!” he says. “I’m going to watch all the Oscar-contender movies in theaters and have a long lunch! But I told everyone at work that I can’t come in because I’m on the Trump jury.”
“What a good idea,” Kim says. “We should all be doing that instead!”
“Everyone at work was so grateful for what I was doing for the country,” Howard says. “One man even offered me a giant briefcase full of money. And I took it! I said, ‘I will be sure to let this influence me,’ and I winked at him.”
“Thunderbolt thinks that was a bad idea,” Thunderbolt says.
“He does say he has my home address,” Howard Johnson says, “so, be sure you settle on a good verdict, or I might have to move.”
DAY 10: You are all waiting at the spot. “I have an announcement,” Striker says. “I don’t want to be Striker anymore. I want to be Gale Force Wind.”
“Oh,” you say, “if that’s the case, I want to be Thundermike.” Instantly you regret saying this.
“Okay, Thundermike,” says Gale Force Wind.
“Actually,” you say. “Never mind, Gale Force Wind. I will just be Mike.”
“Yeah,” Gale Force Wind says. “Actually, Striker is fine. I’m used to Striker now.”
“It’s bittersweet to think that we’ll never get to know who we really are,” Kim says.
“Thunderbolt thinks we’re learning the most important things we can know about another person,” Thunderbolt says: “How that person rules in a defamation trial of former president Donald Trump.”
“I would still like to know your names,” says Kim.
DAY 17: This morning, while you wait to get picked up, Striker and Kim try the 36 questions to Fall in love. It works. They are in love now.
Striker sobs on your shoulder as he processes his dilemma. “We don’t know each other’s names,” he says. “We don’t know anything about each other. How are we ever going to find one another again?”
DAY 31: The trial is at an end. You show up at work. “Hi,” you say. “The defamation trial of Donald Trump is over and, unrelatedly, I am now back at work and have no more conflicts.”
“Great,” your boss says. “You are still fired, though.”
“Good to have you home, Dave,” your wife says that night.
“It’s Mike,” you say. Then you remember: You’re just Dave now. “For a while, it was Thundermike,” you mumble.
“Huh?” your wife says.
“Nothing.”
DAY 32: You arrive at the pickup spot, on autopilot. It’s strange. So many mornings here with Kim, Thunderbolt and Striker. You stand there with your hands in your pockets. Nobody comes. You watch some newspaper blow down the sidewalk.
DAY 33: You arrive at the pickup spot one more time. After a few minutes, Thunderbolt joins you.
“Couldn’t help yourself,” Thunderbolt says. “Could you, Mike?”
“No,” you say. “I couldn’t.”
“It’s just not the same without evidence to evaluate in the company of your peers,” Thunderbolt says. “Thunderbolt’s day feels hollow without it. I think Thunderbolt became the mask and forgot that there was another way to live.”
Howard Johnson walks over. “Hey, Mike, Thunderbolt,” Howard Johnson says. “Everybody’s late today.”
“Oh,” you say. “No, the trial’s over, actually.”
“Oh, jeez,” Howard Johnson says. “For real?” He looks nervous. He pulls out his phone and googles the verdict. “Yikes,” he says. “I have to make a bunch of calls. And also move, probably.”
“I’m sorry,” you say. “How were the Oscar contenders?”
But Howard Johnson is too distracted to answer. He rushes off, skidding a little on the icy sidewalk.
“Well,” you say to Thunderbolt, “I guess I’ll see you.”
“As long as the former president keeps making all this necessary for people to perform their civic duty,” Thunderbolt says, “Thunderbolt will be around.”
You nod at each other. “So will Mike.”
login
who are we?
contact us
qosheapp
Toi Staff
Gideon Levy
Belen Fernandez
Andrew Mitrovica
Mort Laitner
Rami G Khouri
Ali Fathollah-Nejad
Nikkei Editorial
visit website
