In my time as a psychotherapist, I was always amazed at how constant, small demands made by one partner on the other ended up producing anger and bitterness and killing the relationship. These demands were often driven by an individual's hidden, unconscious script of how their partner "should" act.
Often, this sounds like the following: "You should know what I want." "You should know what I'm thinking." "You should do it this way." "Don't do that!"
Oops, now I've done it. I've given away the "one word that kills relationships."
Yes, it's the should word that drives your expectations of how you believe things are supposed to be.
In cognitive behavioral therapy lingo, having a rigid set of "shoulds" is a cognitive distortion or thinking error. As I've told many a client, "Don't should all over yourself." And, in some cases, that can be amended to "Don't should all over others."
What would your life be like if you changed your expectations, lowered them, or even stopped letting them determine how you reacted? Behind expectations there may be lurking a rigid “should” belief or rule about the way things are supposed to be.
And, yet, “shoulds” often make life more difficult, causing us to harshly judge others—not to mention ourselves. By letting go of rigid expectations, you can be more flexible, adaptable, and accepting of what’s out of your control. Even though certain beliefs may have been part of your family system and how you grew up, you can choose to live differently.
To do this is to unlock the jail cell in which you and others are being held prisoner. By using mindfulness, you can become more aware of the shoulds and move away from their harmful effects. Here's an effective and easy practice that can get you started.
The shoulds you have learned over a lifetime will take time to transform. Be kind to yourself and your practice. The good news? Each time you notice and let go of an expectation, you are freeing yourself and others by being more accepting and open. This practice, which is excerpted from my new book Simply Mindful Resilience, can be used whenever you are too hard on yourself, react negatively too quickly, or need an emotional chilling.
References
Donald Altman. Simply Mindful Resilience: 101 Mindful Ways to Build Resilience. 2023.
The One Word That Kills Relationships
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01.01.2024
In my time as a psychotherapist, I was always amazed at how constant, small demands made by one partner on the other ended up producing anger and bitterness and killing the relationship. These demands were often driven by an individual's hidden, unconscious script of how their partner "should" act.
Often, this sounds like the following: "You should know what I want." "You should know what I'm thinking." "You should do it this way." "Don't do that!"
Oops, now I've done it. I've given away the "one word that kills relationships."
Yes, it's the should word that........
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